I tell myself everyday when i wake up that things will get better. I was told that this is therapeutic… can they be anymore wrong? I cry everyday until my face becomes numb. Constantly being told that i should suck it up and also telling myself that i don’t need any professional help. They say everything works out on it’s own terms , but it feels as if my life is slowly spiraling downwards. This is Hell in my opinion. Feeling as if there is nothing i can do to change it. I’m stuck in the same sorry cycle. I told myself that i can’t allow myself to feel; putting a fake smile on for the world to see just to show them that nothing is wrong with me, but deep inside i’m a ticking time-bomb. When the feelings rush back from being ignored i tell myself that it will be over soon… it will, but will it really? I’m not afraid of death anymore. It feels welcomed in my presence. Seems that it will be the only peace i have… What do i do? Do i keep trying? Do i keep cutting to suppress the urge? There is nothing to hang onto anymore.
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6 comments
I’m sorry and I know how you feel.
Firstly, don’t cut anymore. As a former cutter, I can tell you that it is both an addiction and we tend to put it in overly poetic terms in our depressed states. It releases endorphins, which is why people cut. Essentially, the brain has to focus on the most immediate alert in the body, so the cutting takes it away from th mental anguish, allowing the brain to deal with the new cut/threat. Find other activities that can release in the same way. Masturbation is an equivalent. Yes, I just typed that on the SP boards, but it’s true.
Secondly, the people telling you that you don’t need help are wrong. If it’s gotten to this point, you need to talk to someone. It sounds like pretty severe depression to me. Not to mention, medications may help alleviate the chemical imbalance. It sounds chemical from your description.
Thirdly, suppressing your feelings will only make them pop up in a wobbly, wibbly mess. They WILL find a way out, and until then, it will only put this anxious pressure on top of you that will start to churn suicidal inside. I go out to a field, scream at the top of my bloody lungs about all of the things that bother me, and then I feel better.
You will get better, this is not a downward spiral. This is a downward movement, but it can go back up again. Get some help, or find someone to talk to that is willing to listen, someone that you trust. I will press the medication angle again. I think it would do wonders for you . It did for me, for a long time.
Hope it gets better. Sincerely. Cheers.
I’ve tried medication but i have trouble keeping up with it. Every time i feel that i am better i stop taking it and i don’t feel that i need it. I know it’s my fault. I don’t like seeing the same doctor and telling her how i feel whenever i need the medication because it’s the same each time.
I am so very guilty of this. I would start feeling better, and I would tell myself, “You don’t need it anymore, you are cured!”
The truth is that you have to be waned off of it as the resulting crash can cause major suicidal thoughts. A friend bought me a Batman pill tin, and for some reason it made it so much better to take my pills. I also made a schedule for myself of when I needed to take it. I am a little bit of a forgetful git sometimes.
It isn’t your fault, it’s the depression. Try again, start writing a schedule for yourself. When you start to feel better, leave sticky notes around to remind you that you need the meds to continue feeling better. I did that. It helps, and it reminds me that meds are nothing to be ashamed of…Well, because I had the Batman tin. Batman is never wrong.
Try again. I a certain the doctor will understand. It’s more common amongst depressed patients than you think. You can do this. Meds got me out of bed quite a while back. They made me feel worthwhile again. It’s so worth it, believe me.
Thanks, i guess i can try again. It couldn’t hurt… I felt the same while i was taking the medication as well. I learned that they were only temporary but it’s worth it.
keep trying bud bud..shift ur lifestyle. become more active. write out ur emotions like ur doing now. keep reaching out. keep coming back to people who support and celebrate your goals and future. these tidbits of wisdom are free i wont charge you like the self help charlatans out there (;