Well I wouldnt say I am sad or overwhelmed with grief. I would say I am hollow. Nothing interests me. I used to have this sweet addiction where I would just buy sweets whenever I can, I used to have 3+ teaspoons of sugar in my coffee/tea. Not even sweets interest me anymore. I used to love life, it doesnt interest me anymore. I used to love being awake and now I cant stand it. I used to love computer games and now they bore me. I am hollow. Holding on to nothing hoping something would come oug of it.
I’m seen from a window high in the sky, when i dive into this scene that i live through frame by frame, each isolated, but in each i can see feel and hear any and everything, i can hear fingers plucking guitar strings, how the grease from them stick to the strings and pluck them off-tempo as fingers release pressure. I get lost in a pink haze of stage smoke while i’m hypnotized by voices and sounds. To look then into the past and remember that constantly I get the reflex of eating with my elbow up, It hit me whilst i ate something in the kitchen, it was night, and the house quiet, and i think everyone else sleeping, why this arm up, i kept eating but i saw it from the reflection at the window, as it looked back at me awkwardly, it was pathetic. The thoughts then start to race, and they’re too many, fast and fleeting then come and disappear but leave behind a sour taste, i tried to write these things later but most was lost. As these raced through my mind I tried to process everything, but words kept losing their significance to nothingness, and their meaning captured to only sound leave, this because i fell into the pitfall of trying to reduce these thoughts to the tiniest possible set of words that would encompass all the meaning there was to be had there, so as to record the most of it, but it wasn’t possible. I get these oftentimes, gargantuan pictures that enclose all of my memories and affections in adhesive tape, it’s hard to keep focus, i feel an over-stimulation of the senses and numbing of various functions, first mood, a dry grumpiness and general unwillingness to chat or interact, then the motor lethargy, speech numbing and then ceasing, then i lose grip on my senses, until lastly all there is is a speck of sight that flickers as would a dying lamp or something. Then i try to calm myself when I realize something isn’t right, I try to breath slowly, to inhale for a few seconds, then stop, then exhale and inhale trying to focus on counting these seconds, despite this my heart starts racing, and i feel increasingly anxious, for a fraction of a second weary and worried, paranoid maybe, I feel that i’m being observed and WHAT?? what was that? did it come from inside my head? I am hearing voices ? was it my thoughts? A thought screaming so loud, am I insane? After i got a grip on myself I came to record these things, I’m trying to recall something I didn’t get to hold onto but i feel it’s important. It’s a go back maybe, it feels like a voice of reason escaping from this eerie vortex of thoughts, its telling go back, back what back in or back out or what, what is this, what’s going on, i’m healed, I’m a different person now, I don’t want any of this anymore. I recorded all of these things and now it seems like wasted time, like all I produced was something of a hook to fish me in for sloppy seconds of a mind rape. maybe there was something in it worth holding on to, some memory I should never have forgotten, maybe something worth the pain it is going to fetch it. So it’s just this, all I could record, and it’s all useless and meaningless, time that I wasted, writing as fast I could with blank eyes and aching cold hands, I couldn’t save everything but what i did save feels wrong. Except something about eating with my arm up, it comes from some trauma, perhaps ATL, writing on chalkboards was the same, I feel demons ticking and fiddling with skeletal hands, puppetteering me still after all these years like the clueless muppet that I am, locked in this danse macabre. They still enthrall me from these past traumas, I saw thus far before my grip on this trance loosened and I fell into that pace of time and things that I’m accustomed to. I’m alone. And need help…
Yesterday I was at the condo unit of my friend with some blockmates. We decided to hang out there. They have 3 doubled deck. I lay down on the top bed near the window. I tried opening the window but they were mad at me. Maybe they know that I might jump out of the window. They know how crazy and mad I am. But I told them I wouldn’t jump. Not yet. And they let me open it but they were guarding me. I opened it and took my feet out. I looked down. I was very tempted to jump. It’s like I can be free once I jumped out. It’s like I can get out from this sick world. It was just for a little while because they were getting mad. Later, I opened it again. They were holding on my feet. I told them I wouldn’t jump. But I know deep inside me I want to. I want to be free. I want to get out. But they were holding on to me so maybe not yet… maybe the tight grip of their hands can be my reason for living… maybe…
For a time there, I was wondering what I should do.
For a time there, I’ve been thinking about my future.
For a time there, I’ve thought about moving forward
For a time there, I started looking towards a different tomorrow.
But, that wasn’t it.
I let myself believe that it could be better.
I let myself believe that I would change.
Maybe because I’m weak.
and I’m wracked with crippling fear.
But I finally figured it out.
Right now, I’m only holding on to one thing.
When it finally breaks,
I already figured out what to do.
What I want to do.
It’s not today
I finally figured out why I want this to end.
I’ve been putting it off the suicidal thoughts or attempts. I just wake up and live everyday. Hoping, waiting.. For what I know will never come. I relive every possible discussion, decision or thoughts or reasons that I had in my mind that led me to this point. Hope and support that ppl of sp bring. I just live and don’t like it. I try and forget, but I don’t. The memories are trapped inside me of a life with someone that will never happen again. I try and do what support suggests, ask myself if theres any hope. And I know there isnt. Doesnt matter if i pray, or do good deeds or anything. I want to do it out of spite. But I can’t, I can’t wish other ppl harm. I just think about myself and choices and words i said to bring me here. But I want to not live forever anymore. I want to die. I don’t want drugs, i tried some.. I skipped xmas that made me feel awful too. I’ve been praying for death. I can’t be helped, or saved or whatever. I can’t keep holding on to nothing. I can’t keep living like a sad person for much longer.
You are a day ahead in New Zealand, so today is the 9th there, it is your birthday. I already said happy birthday to you earlier, but what would be more fitting than a birthday post on SP, where we met almost two years ago. You have been my dearest and longest friend, my little brother. “Back then I was a lonesome rogue who stumbled across a little fox in the snow, wounded with nowhere to go.” There isn’t anything I can say here that I haven’t said to you before, or vice versa. Despite different aliases from time to time, we’ve moved on from this place a while ago, but here is to old times sake.
You are one of the closest people to my heart and I’ve been so lucky enough to have in my life. Your soul is kind, your heart soft. You are the most trustworthy, upstanding friend. Your heart is pure. You always crack me up with your no bullshit, say whatever is on your mind attitude. Thank you for being you.
Thank you for being there thick and thin, thank you for standing by my side. I will always be here for you. One can’t help but hold back tears thinking of all that we’ve been through. It hasn’t been easy for neither of us, it has been hell. Thank you for holding on.
Hope you manage to get out into the sun today and take a breath of fresh air. Have some soup for fuck’s sake. Ugh.
Happy Birthday, Tom.
All my love, Fox
Cutting myself feels very weird. I don’t do it often, but days like today remind me of what it feels like. and I’m sorry for everyone here who does it on a regular basis. You’re strong for holding on.
Sometimes I wonder if there really is an alternate universe, or another life, or a life in a life. And whatever might happen when you’re dead and your feet are no longer touching the ground.
What do you feel after you die? What do you see? Is everything pitch black, you with no thoughts whatsoever, you literally just gone? Are you really going to be up there, with a God who just so promised to have plans for you? Plans for your life? Or is there another life, where, once you’re dead, you live again. Live another life. Reborn. Forget your past life and just move forward. Start new.
Sometimes I wonder if a new-born baby, a toddler, or a five-year old child just strolling by the streets of Manila could have been someone I knew in the past. Someone I met, who died sometime.
I think that’s what comforts me the most when thinking of death itself. To start fresh. To start new. To be a completely different person, maybe with a better life compared to what you have now, and to be given a second chance, you know? I’d love that.
I read what a few people wrote on my previous post, which definitely was comforting, and everything you said made me think. And those thoughts led to this.
Though again, I’m still contemplating. There’s still a band out there who saved me in more ways than possible, and I’m learning to enjoy what I have at the moment, even if there’s something twisted in my family and group of friends outside the internet.
I still have my internet friends, the people who support the same people I do, and although we’re barely in contact after what my parents have taken from me, we definitely are still in contact, and I’m thankful for every single second spent talking to them, whether it’s about this band or not. They don’t know about what I’ve been going through and I’d like to keep it that way. I feel loved when I’m with them since they don’t judge me at all for whatever I’ve been through, and I guess that’s all I really wanted, you know? To feel loved, since knowing you’re loved doesn’t move the same extent.
And these boys in One Direction? I feel loved. After everything they’ve done for me.
And from my last post–I get that I can still listen to them. Even when they’re gone. Listen to them when I’m upset or angry or just flat out happy. Because I do listen to them. That’s all I’ve been doing at the moment. But it doesn’t move past the comfort of just knowing they’re still doing it, their dream of making music, of entertaining crowds and crowds of people.
This is why the alternate universe thoughts make me feel safer.
I’d rather just die-with no thoughts, everything pitch black. Or with a God, looking down at them, letting them live their dreams, and watching them fade away without feeling just a void of emptiness, of sadness. Or in a new life, where I’m born again, as a child, with thoughts running freely and a wide imagination. Where I don’t care so much about the little things. And I wouldn’t even know what a ‘One Direction’ would be, and would have no interest in them or whatever drama, happiness or sadness revolved around them.
I’d rather die knowing that the actual people who make me feel loved won’t even know I was gone. The boys still wouldn’t know I existed, my friends would think I’m just MIA. My family, I know they could care less. My circle of friends outside the internet would move on. I’ll be okay, won’t I? I don’t know.
That worthless feeling the knowing that its true. I can’t help but to feel so dumb for holding on to hope I should have went through with it. I should have known that it was too good to be true. Now I’m past depressed and I’m filled with so much hate I cant fucking deal with myself.. They say live life with no regrets but it still living life that I regret ????
After two attempts at my life in the matter of two weeks me and my husband went to the doctors go more medicine and some new ones he’s holding on to them because it’s easy to overdose on them I’m mad but I understand I guess he loves me and I love him I don’t know why I’m so addiment about killing myself
”…1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink
Throw ’em back, till I lose count
I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier.
I’m gonna live like tomorrow doesn’t exist
Like it doesn’t exist.
I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry.
I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier.
But I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes.
Keep my glass full until morning light, ’cause I’m just holding on for tonight.
Help me, I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes.
Keep my glass full until morning light, ’cause I’m just holding on for tonight,
On for tonight.
Sun is up, I’m a mess.
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this.
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame…”
ever heard your LIFE sung to you ?? crazy shit I swear…sums it up tho.
I have been in mental anguish , agony for far too long. I don’t care you’re age or gender or even locale. I just want someone to talk about anything and everything. Maybe , we could help each other. I’ve been holding on for 7 years.
Email foxtrotz at aol
it’s not a good start I know, but I’m on the edge. and I try and try to hold on even when I want to let go.
But, I’m torn. I’m so…torn between letting go and holding on. I’m holding on for the love that burns me whole, for the woman that held me anchored to this earth for almost six years. the more I try and show her my twisted heart the more I push her away into another’s arms. and my heart bleeds. it just makes it all the more harder to keep the promise I made her, to be there for her when see needed me alive and well.
I’m so afraid to loose her, for I won’t have any reason to be alive then.
ever feel like you’re losing everything? you watch from a distance, but even from another perspective, you can’t manage to make sense of what’s happening.
so you choose just one thing to hold onto. it doesn’t really matter what it is, but you make it mean everything, because you need something to stay. you need this one thing for the world to revolve around because if the world doesn’t have an axis then what the fuck. you’re too scared to let go, you might fall and you have no idea where you will land.
but happens when you start to doubt that one thing? when you’re not even really doubting but you know for a fact that it’s just a safety net, that it’s false, and stupid …?
I tell myself everyday when i wake up that things will get better. I was told that this is therapeutic… can they be anymore wrong? I cry everyday until my face becomes numb. Constantly being told that i should suck it up and also telling myself that i don’t need any professional help. They say everything works out on it’s own terms , but it feels as if my life is slowly spiraling downwards. This is Hell in my opinion. Feeling as if there is nothing i can do to change it. I’m stuck in the same sorry cycle. I told myself that i can’t allow myself to feel; putting a fake smile on for the world to see just to show them that nothing is wrong with me, but deep inside i’m a ticking time-bomb. When the feelings rush back from being ignored i tell myself that it will be over soon… it will, but will it really? I’m not afraid of death anymore. It feels welcomed in my presence. Seems that it will be the only peace i have… What do i do? Do i keep trying? Do i keep cutting to suppress the urge? There is nothing to hang onto anymore.
If it’s 2 am and you find yourself in a world of complete despair, please don’t turn to strangers on the internet for help, like I once did.
Please climb into bed with me and I will hold you until the demons sleep. If it’s Monday morning and you are too sad to move, I won’t force you. School can wait, work can wait.
I will go buy us ice cream and we will watch your favorite TV shows and I will remind you of your importance. If you feel as if you have no purpose, I will remind you that you were created entirely with love and every pain you feel, I feel too.
When you’re sure you can’t go on anymore, I will tell you that when I was 15, I once searched for peace and happiness. I once wished I had a different life, and the ability to hold on was unbelievably difficult, but five years later, when you were placed in my arms in the delivery room, I realized that you were why I had been holding on. Without realizing it, you saved me. Do you know how amazing that is?
So if you ever feel like you have to search for peace and happiness and you can’t seem to find it, come to me. I will listen. I will understand, and I will encourage you to rise each morning. Beautiful, I refuse to be unaware of your suffering, and just like you saved me, I’ll save you..
I’m not sure where to begin, other than to say my life has completely spiraled out of control. And I am beginning to feel too weak to bear this on my own. I have a child and I am trying to keep it together for her, but when u have feelings of despair it is so so hard. Right now I am in therapy and will be seeing my doctor soon to possibly prescribe me for anti depressants. I am taking steps in all the right directions to try and get better. I just don’t know if this is even working. My daughters father, whom I have known for 10 years and consider him to be the love of my life, has pushed me to the side and is now trying to be with someone else. And even better, I feel as if he is rubbing it in my face. Maybe this is my karma, because I treated him bad last year when we went thru a rough patch. But he is the only man I will ever want and without him I feel like I am withering into nothing. I cry every day, I am so depressed it feels like I am drowining in my sorrows. But I don’t want to end things, I’m trying to stay here. My daughter loves me and I love her. Its just the pain…it hurts so bad.
The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won’t let go of your life; your memories, your attachments. They burn ’em all away. But they’re not punishing you, he said. They’re freeing your soul. […] If you’re frightened of dying and holding on, you’ll see devils tearing your life away. But if you’ve made your peace then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the Earth
im at this point where I just want to end it all.
the only bad thing is, i’m trying so hold to hang on.
most people say, well if you had time to write this, then you aren’t going to do this.
I want to so bad but I don’t want to.
I want to die so I don’t have to deal with these people anymore
so I don’t have to feel sad anymore
but I can’t wait for the day I leave for my grandparents house.
that’s the only reason i’m holding on.
I just wany yhis pain to end.
I don’t WANT to die, but that’s the only way I know how to make it all go away.
I’m sorry I can’t save you. I’m sorry I’m not smart enough. Not great enough. Not rich enough.
I’m sorry for being stupid enough to keep fighting a dying battle.
But you are my reason, and I’m sorry I keep holding on to that reason. I’m sorry I cannot forget you.
I’m sorry I couldnt save you.