Numb and indifferent

Its been a week since I’ve quit my job. My family is struggling to survive as is and yet here I am, at home for the past three days. I haven’t gone out and I haven’t even changed clothes. I feel like I’m wasting the data on my phone but I’m sure it will be cut sometime in the next few days anyway.

I managed to make everyone that mattered at work hate me. I guess partially it was my fault, partially it was Eva’s fault. She came out of nowhere a month ago and befriended my two good friends as well as took my week-long yet year-crushed boyfriend away. I messed up and acted like I didn’t care, which backfired and well now no one cares about me. I couldn’t help it, I had to quit that place.

I’m a twenty year old girl who doesn’t speak with her former high-school friends mostly because they all left the state to pursue a higher education. The only two friends I have feel more virtual than real now, I sometimes wonder if they in fact aren’t real. I wish I’d gone off to school, but I know that if I’d done so, we would have lost what little we had.

Speaking of which, this small studio apartment isn’t much, but it’s now all that remains. I feel as though I should be frightened about losing it. I know my mom worries and my brother who’s too young to work yet begins to talk about having a job. I know I should get up but I don’t have the strength anymore.

I’m tired of pretending and it shows. I no longer care, I no longer find a rope to hold on to, or a cane to hold myself up with. All that remains is a few blank sheets of paper, a dull pencil, and story that urges to live on even if I don’t. Perhaps I’ll finish writing before I go, perhaps I’ll find a speck of light to ignite this darkness inside me, perhaps there’s hope in this hell. My optimism is almost non – existent. I should hope for the best, yet expect the worst.