Ramblings

“If only there was a way I would not see another day.   A year has gone without these thoughts in my mind, but now that peace is all behind.  Another sleepless night beneath an indifferent sky convinces me that I should die.”

What a pathetic excuse is this gallows poetry.  It’s typical of me.  A useless narcissistic ploy to call attention to myself by some second grade rhymes.

The truly exceptional people in this world don’t need to call attention to themselves.  It’s only an arrogant fool who needs to compensate for his inferiority by saying, “Look at me!  Look at me!  See how clever I am!”   I’m definitely the fool.

I’ve faked everything in my life.  I graduated from college with an “A” average, and I graduated from law school with honors.  I’ve been a trial lawyer for over twenty years.  I’ll be married next year to the same woman for thirty years.  One daughter has graduated from college and has a good job.  Another daughter is an honor student in her sophomore year.  Everyone thinks I’m clever and smart, but I know it’s not true.  My children have thrived despite me.

From the outside looking in all the world thinks I’ve got my shit together.  Last year I was hospitalized with severe depression, and for a time thereafter things turned around.  Now I’m falling back into my old ways.   I have suicidal thoughts more and more frequently.

My death would devastate my family, and that’s the only thing that frankly keeps me from killing myself.  But is having to make that trade-off any way to live?  I’ll become more miserable to be around, and my death will be a release for my family.  Already my wife and people at my office have noticed I’m irritable.  That’s a sure sign of my depression coming back.