I told my wife that last week I was deeply depressed, and we processed by feelings. If I had told her that I was severely depressed that would have had undesirable and unintended consequences. This morning I told her that I felt better which in some self-delusional sense is true. But I also told her that I thought of suicide, and it’s as if she was shocked. Last year I had a major depressive episode and had acute suicidal ideations. I told her that I expected that I would suffer with suicidal thoughts at least for the foreseeable future and maybe even for the rest of my life.
At some point we all get tired of these thoughts. If we don’t find a way of toughing them out, either we commit suicide or seek help. I, for one, am tired of these thoughts. I’m tired that I travel up and down these emotional peaks and valleys. The last time I felt this way I described it as being on a steady downward curve with occasional and periodic upward shifts. Over time the upward shifts became fewer and fewer and the valleys were deeper. It took longer to climb out of them.
For over a year, I didn’t have those feelings. Now they’re coming back to haunt me. How do we know that we’re feeling good or bad or whether we merely think we’re feeling good or bad?
1 comment
I think I can empathize with what you’re going through, Palmer123. I suspect that these lengthy depressive episodes change the way our brains function, and make us more prone to depressive episodes in the future. As you described, a steady downward curve which lasts longer and becomes more and more difficult to re-route as time goes on. This doesn’t mean there is no hope for you, or that it’s not worth trying, just that it will take some effort, dedication, and patience.
Do you plan to talk to a doctor or seek some kind of treatment? Or are you going to try to slog through it on your own?