running on fumes

I don’t really know how to start… this is the first time I talk with someone other than myself or my dog about my thought. I don’t really have anyone around me I am comfortable talking with. I feel as a complete disappointment both to myself and to my family. I guess to give a little bit of background I’m 25, live somewhere in Canada. I cant even remember the first time I thought about dying… looking back things seem to have been going down hill since I was 16. I can’t really remember the happy times, I can’t remember having fun, just being empty. About 3 years ago, at the time I was still in college, I had an accident, a gentleman was busy texting and didn’t notice the red light. I took some damage, spent a few months in bed and that worsened my condition(depression, indifference at life, call it as you will). While in college I was fairly involved with extra curricular activities, and I did enjoy the student life. It offered me something to focus on, an escape from being with myself to much I guess. After I recovered, I dropped out of school and went on a trip, hoping the break from my environment would help, and for a while it did. I came back after 9 months, found a job and started paying off my credit card, got a car etc. I was more or less functional. I made a new group of friends, started a mini side business, organizing parties here and there with a DJ friend. Than this summer I had another car accident, this time it was my fault, I got sick in the car and crashed into the safety barrels trying to get off of the highway. My car was totaled, ended up with a huge expenses(around 10,000$ in fees) and lost my job. more than that my parents, decided around the same time to announce they were getting a divorce after 18 years together(for my mom this is the 2nd divorce, I was raised by my adoptive dad). My mom has to take care of my little sister(she’s only 11) and than, what other energy she has left now goes towards the divorce. At least they are parting on good terms. first time around both me and her were left with scars. I cant count on my biological dad, i’m not even sure if he’s still alive at this point. Last time we saw each other things ended badly… and even if I would still be in contact with him he would never help me out of the kindness of his heart. I’d be indebted to him and the favors he asks are generally illegal. Any way to get back to my point I am lost. I don’t want to go to a doctor(i can’t afford it and I don’t trust them, I’ve had some bad experiences in the past with privacy), I have no one around me I can talk to. My best friend died of cancer in 2011, and after her passing i never allowed myself to get to confine in anyone. I’ve tried pretty much everything I could think of to escape or distract myself but I’ve had no luck. I sleep maybe 20h a week the rest of the time i either play games or read. I am to on edge to be around people yet being alone isn’t helping either. I guess I am just rambling at this point… but it’s hard to put everything that I went trough, everything I think of, in words, especially when more than half my life has been full of mistakes and stupid choices. I’ve tried once or twice to keep a diary but it was more effort and energy than what I have to spare… Any way I guess I am just reaching my breaking point.