Slightly Selfless Suicide

Whenever I talk about suicide with my family or friends, they always say the same things: it’s wrong, it’s selfish, it’s just NOT GOOD. And yeah, I get the part that by doing it, you’d hurt those that love you. But the thing is, when I think about suicide, I think about how the people around me would be better off in some way and how I’d spare them and the people that I might cross paths with in the future. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to be a bad person. And that’s one of the reasons why I want to die. I’m scared that if I live longer, I’d just hurt more people and cause all sorts of negative effects. Sometimes my anger gets the better of me and I end up saying something I shouldn’t have or doing something mean and hurtful. Not even just when I’m angry. Sometimes I get influenced by others and then I’ll find myself teasing people without any thought about how it might affect them (yes, I see even teasing as bad if it’s mean. You’ll never know how much it would hurt.) I just can’t live with myself knowing that I’ve caused someone distress. I don’t want that. But now I’m too broken and weak to shield them from me sometimes. I know that’s not an excuse; everybody has to carry their own weight. But that’s the thing. I have no more strength to carry mine and it’s unfair that others have to suffer the consequence, too.