Few things about me. My name is Kiriakos. i am 32 years old. I am from Greece. I have to say that i have been diagnosed with Depression symptoms.
I am a very sensitive guy and probably overprotected by my family from my early years. I have friends but as from a gf i was very lonely since my early years. I was bullied mostly mentally at school every single day, i had problems my family to understand me and during the age of 16 had agoraphobia (i manage to pass it alone after 3 years). i was ugly as a young child and this let to feel unsecure, i scared having girls around me and also afraid to flert. After many years i decided in my 25 to make 2 surgeries to change my appearance. Even though the success i couldnt feel it (i was looking in the mirror and wasnt sure if i am handsome even though others thought i was). My family was sad. i was also. i started online dating because from there i had the courage and i was like another person. During all these at age of 26 i had a nice relationship for 1 year with a younger girl. Then, at age 27i did my biggest mistake. i decided to leave for a Msc in Holland. i had to break up and i believed that i was ready for my new adventure. I wasnt. i had high expectations. The master was too difficult and i struggle to find myself in the process with lots of pressure and anxiety to finish. I did finish but i lost myself.
That was the 1st time i felt old and couldnt stand me in the mirror. it is being 5 years from then and i see myself useless ( i dont like what i studied and i cannot work with it and dont know what I want to do), except from 6 night stands all these years I am single and I don’t love myself. I try all this time. i Figured out that i am scared to live and enjoy life. I am afraid of being old with wriggles etc cause then i will be again ugly i won’t love me at all and then why to live? My family and friends became tired of my situation. i struggle to work and I lost all my energy. i lost also my intention to live.. i found out that all these years was my fault I was scared. My fault i didn’t try. There were girls i didn’t gave them attention and also I didn’t know how to flirt or i was looking insecure or saying the wrong things. It is like i was in a protective cage and i just wake up 32 and feel scared. Where is the young kiriakos? How years passed like this? Why i lost the gift of living? Even why I didn’t weak up earlier..
I lost moments, memories and things to remember. I watch all others with love happiness etc.. I saw from friends to know to enjoy this life and to live it to the fullest and I said to myself why to live? Doctor said that this wake up I am scared off, is that i was always protected and now I have to live on my own and I don’t want to lose this protection. That is probably lazy to try. That this sadness is something I know and gives me security. That is all in my mind and no one can help me if I don’t want to act. I agree with all. I was a dreamer i was studying in high school and university and I have to Msc, I don’t think i am so lazy, i just thought i am too old and lost my purpose. I feel child that want to live other things and have responsibilities of adult. i tried hard to bypass all these things in my brain. Maybe after all these years i was tired and i lost hope… My biggest fear is age. Which I cannot do anything cause this is life. This is what happens to everyone. Is just everyone else has found comfort, has experiences as younger and can handle future much better. As for me I am now mostly thinking for a suicide. But I am to weak to do it and I don’t want to hurt my family and friends. I know that if I die I will take them with me and I cannot kill 3 people. Then I have to struggle all my life with me which is a nightmare.. so fced up!
I am sorry for the big letter..i am just looking for help.. Thank you for your time.
4 comments
hi, spartan_82.or would you prefer to be called kiriakos?if that’s your real name the site doesn’t recommend you use it, though.anyway, i do feel the sadness in your story and can relate, especially regarding the fact that a person, no matter what age, may feel ill-prepared to live in the real world, to get out of one’s comfort zone and face being an adult.a person can feel scared and like a new-born with no freaking idea how to put their life together.that’s how i feel, too.i know i’m already an adult, but i feel like a lost child.
i congratulate you on overcoming stress and anxiety to finish your mscw.man, that is no easy feat.i commend you and belive that you should be proud of what you have accomplished.although, i do understand that even if you have achieved those things, it all feels useless because you’ve lost yourself in the process.it’s also quite a steep price to pay, i guess that’s why we’re here.we don’t understand how we ended up in such a sad, empty place after working our hardest for years.
what i’m trying to say is that i read your post and can relate to the fears you have and i just wanted you to know you are not alone and that i’m here on the site, if you want to share more…hugs.
*msc
ur a greek god dont be afraidddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
Spartan_82, it’s true that you haven’t really given life a fair shot yet. But, given your struggles with self worth, and the negative experiences that reinforced that, please do not judge yourself too harshly. It’s hard to be vulnerable and put ourselves out there when we’ve had many bad experiences in the past. It can be overwhelming and terrifying. As soonerthecosmos said, be proud of yourself for getting your MSc. However fragile you feel, that is a big accomplishment, and you may have more strength than you give yourself credit for.
You may *feel* old, but remember that feelings do not always accurately reflect reality. The truth is that you’re still young, and you still have plenty of time think about what you want in life, and work on a step-by-step plan to achieve it. You might benefit from talking to a counselor or therapist of some sort; they can help you make a plan, and they can help you identify things you might be doing to (inadvertently) sabotage yourself.
All the best to you : )