This is my first and only intended post to the site and I wanted to recognise that there is some encouraging words displayed and some wonderful people who take the time to care for anonymous persons they don’t peen know.
Sadly I am not a person that deserves that care. I have a loving family, wonderful wife and beautiful baby girl! All of whom I adore and love without question. I am not a good person though and don’t deserve their love. By sticking around I a making life harder for everyone and drawing out the painful inevitable process, my choice is my last feeling of control.
Born an illegitimate child I wish my mother, who I never knew, had aborted me. A father that put me in to care because he feared he would kill me, I wish he had. At 6 years of age I went ‘on holiday’ and never went back. Do not feel pity for me. I ended up with a loving family, who cared for me, gave me education and discipline and loved me. I was one of the lucky ones.
Whilst in care I was abused by my peers, the older boys in care with me, made me feel worthless and ashamed, I only recognised this as abuse recently, having never had the issue addressed, again, I am one of the lucky ones who escaped the care system so please don’t offer pity.
So I feel my time has come. Others are seeing to it that I cannot spend Christmas at home with my little girl who will be 5months old at that point. I can’t even go home to put the Christmas tree up for her let alone miss out on seeing her getting excited looking at the lights and shiny baubles etc. she’d is to young to understand about Santa etc so that’s a blessing in some ways. But there is still the pain I am causing everyone. This way I have control of how much more pain is applied to my wonderful family and I can make it stop.
Its time to be brave. It’s time to do what I have to do.
To my Darling wonderful and ever loving wife
I am sorry I failed you, let you down and devastated our world. I am sorry I cannot be the husband you wanted me to be and father to our beautiful daughter like I had hoped I could be. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I love you so much I have to let you go so you can move on and hopefully find happiness with someone who truly deserves your love and will love you better than I ever did. I do love you, I always will.
To to my beautiful baby girl
Hopefully you will never read this, you will never really know me or remember me. I am sorry I am not around to be the father you need and deserve, sorry for being such a waste of space, sorry because you deserve so much better. You melt my heart every time I see you, every smile you give me, ever little cuddle we share, I adore you and it breaks my heart to think I am leaving you but at the same time it breaks my heart to ink you have to know I am your father and what a let down I am. I’m sorry my precious angel. I will always love you.
To to my wonderful parents
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for giving me everything only for me to throw it all away and spoil everything. I’m not worthy to be called your son and I am sorry for the pain I am about to inflict upon you with my actions but I feel I have no other choices left. Please don’t mourn me, be proud of what you did for a sad, lost and lonely little boy, I am so grateful. I’m sorry that I will pass a sad, lost and lonely man. I will always love you.
To to my wonderful brother and his wife
Thank you for all the help and support since we shared our trauma with you, I’m sorry I am failing and can’t take anymore. I’m sorry that I am too weak to carry on, the pain is too much to bear. Please don’t blame yourself for any of my actions from here on in, it isn’t your fault. I should never have been born and should never have been allowed to take another persons place in a loving home. I’m sorry.
To my other friends, family and colleagues
Please understand that sometimes the only option available is the one I am taking. I have choices of how to do it and have chosen my method however beyond that my life has no meaning. I have failed everyone and it’s time to take the rubbish out so to speak. Thank you for all your help, love and support. Please carry on helping my wife and our wonderful little girl, I know you will all offer guidance for her. Thank you.
Goodbye everyone, my time is now.
Jesus take me as I am, I can come no other way
9 comments
I dont have anything clever to say but don’t leave!! We all need you!! Dont go!!!
I think all of us deserve care. We are all unique yet we are all human. Everyone deserves compassion. It seems as though you have been through some trials and tribulations. That’s a nice way of saying that you’ve been through heck. You’re struggling… I see that. The very system that was designed to take care of you has created some harm for you. Being away from your daughter must be extremely difficult to go through.
At the same time, you wrote, “It’s time to be brave.”
Your words are correct… although perhaps in a different context than you meant them. Sometimes being brave means overcoming the heck we’ve been through and moving forward. It means identifying what has happened (which you’ve done) and figuring out the best way out. Yes; that care system failed you. But there are probably other systems that could help you. Have you recently met with a psychiatrist or a therapist? Have you discussed with someone what rights you have to see your daughter? Have you thought about what wanted to do in life? It can be difficult… but difficult doesn’t mean impossible.
Think about it. There are other options.
I really hope you read those comments here before you go. Why do you think you are worthless. What kind of pain are you causing others? Your wife decided to have a child with you, meaning she wanted parts of you to live on in someone else. She would not have done this, if she thought you are worthless and not a good person. Please seek professional help!
Dear FeIlow Traveler,
I have no doubt you are capable of making a huge contribution to the lives and hearts of those whom you love and who love you in return.
Having said that, I will not disrespect your choice to exit this existence on your own terms. I do not intend to play the “guilt” game. It used to make me so angry when someone, attempting to talk me out of making a final exit, would try to “guilt” me into not doing it for the sake of family and friends. In my own head I would be shouting “How could ANYONE want me to live on in this pain????? Do you NOT UNDEWRSTAND that, to me, THEY are being selfish.”
I believe you when you tell your tale of abuses over many decades. I know, first hand, how real, crippling and long lasting that damage is. I only know this because I sought the help of a spiritual director who was also a PHD in psych. He turned me inside and out. He made me realize so many things about myself. Most of all, he helped me acquire the tools I need to stay alive in spite of the chronic depression and pain, the desire to move on to the next level of existence. I now have my own truth. A year ago I was trying to buy gun (no one is more anti NRA than I am) and made several trips to the Golden Gate Bridge. People on this site can attest to my expertise on the Bridge. Now I am spending the winter months in Mexico, still struggling, but expanding my spiritual life and learning to live with my chronic heart issues (5 years ago this very day I had a quad bypass). I will be 60 yrs old in March.
My truth tells me that there is no judgment on the other side. There is a healing for the damaged soul, acceptance of self and a love for those left behind that can never be described, only experienced. And Jesus will accept you as you are. He is the Great Physician.
So, my friend and fellow traveler, look deep inside your soul, see with the eyes of you mind and heart, and look most diligently for the face of love. Seek it in your loved ones and in the mirror. Sit in silence and solitude, listen with the ear of your heart. And if you still cannot find a way to the light we are all holding up for you to see and follow, then be at peace and know you will be missed and that your soul will be celebrated on both sides.
I do not know you, and will not see your face until we meet on the other side, but I will keep you in my heart and never stop loving the beauty of your soul and heart. Grace and peace to you, fellow traveler.
Jay – aka Bayareaguy
Thank you all for your kind words however I have begun my journey. I am grateful for your offerings but cannot convince myself of any other way. Won’t be long now for me to be at peace. Bless you all for your kindness and non judging thoughts. Goodnight
I know I may not be able to convince you to stay around, but you do have something worth living for, a beautiful daughter, and there’s always time to change your mind. It may be your first and only intended post here but if you find you can’t bring yourself to end it, or you don’t succeed, then keep posting here, you will always find people willing to listen, GracesDad, and you do have reasons to live.
GracesDad,
What I find most interesting about your post is your admission that you have a wonderful life with many people you love and who love you in return (in fact, you name and address quite a few of them here). I can only assume that the pain you are feeling stems from other things you do not mention, so please realize that I am writing this without judgment and with the understanding that I do not know your entire story.
I would like to focus on what I feel is most important here: your daughter. Although it sounds as if your biological parents were not exactly a plus to your life, you noted how important it was to be placed with a good family who provided you with love and took great care of you. With that said, I believe it is very important to ask yourself if you truly feel she will be better off never knowing you. Obviously, we know she has a father who loves her – that sounds like a positive to me.
I am not questioning the pain you are feeling, nor am I suggesting that you have not given this decision a tremendous amount of thought. But when someone becomes a parent, their life is essentially no longer about them – it’s about what is best for the child. And while you may truly feel that not being in your daughter’s life is what IS best for her, I just hope you are damn sure.
I ask that you take a good, long look at your daughter one day (or a photo if it is not possible to see her in person) and ask yourself if you are one-hundred percent certain her life will be better without her father.
Of course, at the end of the day, the choice is yours. Best wishes.
L4Y
agree with nias. No matter how dark it is at the moment, you don’t know what is around the corner. And even if it is only for your child. She will need you in her life.
We all hope you will answer us, i cryied, i cry now for your pain, just please be alive