abnormality

today was a very odd day for me, one of those “subdued excitements” that I don’t recognize and stop before it comes to bite me in the ass. Excitement just leads to catastrophic levels of disappointment for me. I get my hopes up because my mind comes up with these amazing–and yet, impossible–scenarios about what will happen. And they never happen, even the worst of the best! It’s always just flat-out bad shit that happens. Today was primed to go spectacularly in my mind, even though if it had occurred the way it was planned it still probably would have been shitty. But no! It didn’t even go as planned, so I had to come up with a whole bunch of new false scenarios that would occur. I was supposed to be happy and not alone and not feel so fucking left out and sad, and yet here I am in those precise states of existence. I got the overwhelming urge to cut myself, but ended up not doing it in the end. Truly, there is no reason for me not to other than the fear of getting caught with some fresh cuts. I could probably get away with it, but I would rather lower my risks entirely. I just had such high hopes for attempting to be normal. But the way they talked together, it was like they were speaking some other fucking language! I simply couldn’t even attempt to keep up with that conversation. I wanted them gone and eventually, out of their own volition, they left. So relieved and devastated at the same time. Rapidly reoccurring images of me shooting myself popped into my mind, trying to soothe myself with the notion that one day I will not have to put up with all of this bullshit, one day that may be soon if I so choose. I’m at a total loss again. Is it me or is it them that’s so fucked up? How can people like them sound so fucking vile and immoral and be considered “normal” to even some people? How is thinking about suicide not normal under these circumstances? I don’t want to be thinking about any of this on a Friday night, but beating myself up is what I do best.

I feel as though I was not meant to live, or at least that I do not have the mental capacity to keep up with today’s standard of living as society has mapped it out. I don’t understand the freaks, I don’t understand the normals. I can’t really seem to understand anything but death and suicide.