So 2 nights ago, I had to get some thoughts out of my head. I started an email; but intended just to erase it, but instead I sent it to myself. I was writing my comments to 2 men. One I have known for years, “TX”, but recently re-connected. He is someone I can call and talk to about anything. But he is also selfish and arrogant. The other man I just met last week on line. He sounded like the answer to my prayers. He was very attracted to me and from everything I could see, was on the “up and up”. We “skyped” almost constantly and I saw what I need to see to prove to myself he wasn’t a fake. As you can probably assume, I haven’t heard from “CR” for 3 days. I wonder what happened, was he in an accident?, or did he decide I wasn’t good enough?. TX actually had the nerve to say if I satisfied him sexually, he would “try” to be faithful. And he said it like I should be grateful. My comments to CR was just “what the hell???” He was so perfect for me, but again, I didn’t know what he saw in me. An overweight, old, single mom of 2 teenagers, struggling to make ends meet. He was good looking, successful, and had everything going for him. I read the email yesterday morning – I didn’t know how bad I was feeling, until I read the last line of the email. It was to TX – I wrote “I wish you would just hold me and let me cry till I die”.
About 10 years ago, I took a bunch of pills. I ended up waking up and going to the ER. My family acted disgusted; everyone but my mom. 2 years ago, my brother who I was always close to, shot himself in the chest. A couple months after my suicide attempt, I promised God and my mom that I would never do it again. I will keep my promise, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to be dead. I pray that God lead me to an open door that will lead me to the love I desire; and the love that will last a life time; with no bargaining, and no insecurities. Will I ever find that door?
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This is interesting. I did something similar recently, as sort of a creative writing exercise. I wrote myself a message from a separate account that I rarely use and sent it to my primary account, via delayed email, a few days later. It had exactly the effect I hoped it would – it was almost like getting an email from a stranger.
I know this isn’t what you did, but your own email DID give you some insight into your feelings.
If you’re so inclined, consider giving it a try. Write yourself an email – a supportive, loving email, reminding yourself that you don’t NEED those men (or any men). You deserve loyal, mature, loving companionship (romantic or otherwise) and you can find that. Love yourself first and foremost. Learn to be your own strongest advocate. Think of what you would say to a close friend who was hurting, and say that to yourself. be your own best friend.
For what it’s worth, you’re not alone in this. I have mastered none of these things — my low self image inevitably ruins my friendships (or potential friendships). Maybe this can be the year we turn things around.