I had a hysterectomy at 23. I want a child more than anything. I have paid THOUSANDS of dollars to find a “birthmother” who will place her child with us. We haven’t been chosen.
My husband can’t stand to see me hurt. We are moving in 6 months and will have to give up our home study. He won’t go through it again. Which means this is the end. I don’t get another chance.
Ten years ago I paid $10,000.00 to be a part of an agency. We were matched with a baby girl then we got transferred. I couldn’t stand to move on. I just packed everything away and tried to forget. Then I turned 39. I realized I HAD to try again.
I have given everything… I work to fund this. His money goes to everything else. I don’t spend any of my money so that I can save to pay for adoption. I make $13,000.00 a year and over the last 2– I have saved $13,000.00 I have spent $12,000.00 so far on adoption related expenses. None of which are refundable.
I can’t stand this anymore. Every time I turn around there are people throwing their babies in trashcans, aborting, and abusing their own. Women who do not want their kids screaming at them. I have a safe home, loving, kind. I have a M.A. degree, my hubby has a PHD, we have our heads on straight for the most part (funny statement right? considering I am thinking about killing myself to get out of this pain) and do TONS of charity work. I am not a freak, or weirdo. I do my best in life to be kind and compassionate. I don’t do drugs, get into physical altercations, I do have a couple of tattoos but is that really that bad? I do my best to pray to GOD and follow the teachings of our positive governing rulers, and have a spiritual life. We really are who we say we are. WHY? WHY haven’t we been chosen?
Is it because I am overweight? Is it because I didn’t drop $20,000.00 for a white baby? I chose the $7,000.00 option for the black baby? The parents that get chosen are thin, have money and don’t seem desperate. But. I am desperate. I want a little girl so badly. I have her room ready. All her clothes for the 1st 2 years. The bed, cradle, toys, books, dress up clothes, markers, crayons, everything.
My heart and soul are breaking. I can’t take this anymore another Christmas without a baby. If I tell anyone they will say I am not fit to be a mother because of this. I am on anti-depressants which kicks me out of many international programs. The irony is that this is the reason I am breaking and I am on the pills. I can’t hope anymore. It hurts too much.
Hubby says just stop. Don’t open yourself to thinking about it anymore. Move on. IT seems that no one wants to listen to me whine about wanting a baby girl. He won’t take a baby that has special needs. One that the birth mother wants visits. He doesn’t feel as broken as I do. No one cares about my empty arms. My friends only want happy news. They don’t know what to say when they ask me and I respond with “no news yet”. Adoption culture has gone from hurting the Birth Mother to hurting the Adoptee to hurting the Adoptive parents. Abortions are easier for all involved. Women and Girls who choose to parent are prevalent now and there is obvious cultural expectation that the adoptive families should PAY & PAy & Pay & pay..
I worry that reincarnation isn’t real and I won’t get another chance to have a baby. I worry I will go to hell and be tortured for eternity for killing myself. I hope that there is no life after death. I can just stop. I don’t have to feel. I don’t have to care. I don’t have to act like I am ok.
15 comments
it sounds really difficult for you, really, the only thing i can offer you is that somewhere out there there is a child perfect for you and your hubby and youll get her, remember shes waiting for you just like you are for her, dont give up yet xx
I don’t know what you are feeling because I never wanted kids and now at 52 I’m well past that. What you’re going through is horrible and unjust. I cannot imagine how awful it is to want a child so badly and so many people have unwanted pregnancies, etc.
I’m sure you have already considered the option of fostering?
Thank you E and Three.moons I was just about to delete my post. Thinking I was alone here too.
I have considered fostering.
I was demoralized at a party once. This woman I barely know said.” I WOULD NEVER… (yes yelling) do a private adoption. Our son came to us via DCFS and there isn’t a thing wrong with him. Why would you pay to PANDER to those women (meaning birth mothers)? You pay to put yourself on display and for them to JUDGE you. They get to decide who parents your child–(snicker) she can’t even keep herself from getting knocked up… and then YOU have to pay for their medical care, apartments, food and anything else they can get you for.”
— She gave me the local number. I decided not to call. I decided to stop by the local DCFS office. The gal behind the glass said, “I don’t know anything about adoption. I don’t know what our programs are and I don’t know who to ask.”
My hubby looked at me and said, “This isn’t for us. It shouldn’t be this hard.”
We started reading their information on the wall looking for a pamphlet or something. We started to leave. The gal started yelling, “Hay! Come here… try this number.”
I called. The woman called me back and left a voice mail telling me she didn’t know who to send me to and that she wasn’t the right person. I looked for the other number. I had thrown it away.
I started thinking about the fact that I couldn’t spend 6-12 months with a child only to hand her back to her Mom. I decided that fate had saved me the trouble. It was a sign.
Now we are moving. It doesn’t matter. We can’t start the process again. It is just too late. It’s too much.
I am sorry its been so hard. Sorry for you and all the unwanted kids that you would be a great mom for that you cant have due to red tape. It should be easier. Kids needs home and there are families that want kids. sigh…should be that simple. I hope you find a way somehow.
Thank you “whispers”. I have said for many years what we need in this US of A is to have a national adoption law. All people waiting go into one data base through vetting, background checks, fingerprinting, home study, first interview, second interview, video, private companies can handle this (with fed limits on what they can charge) and a state agency can monitor it. One set of fees and one structure. If you move you have one portion to re-do (a home-study in which they inspect your new home) but all else is transferable.
Everyone plays by the same rules. Like e-harmony you get matched with a child, birth mother, birth family etc. Then there is no question as to safety because all birth mothers are given the same platform to interact with. They can go to their dr. walk in clinic, planned parenthood, er, school nurse and ALL the numbers are the same. They all get the same information. Like 911 there wouldn’t be a question. If you think of adoption it would be the adoption hotline. No worries about which agency to choose. Which state to give birth in. Each Birth Mom would get the same medical and psychological care regardless of wealth of the adopting family. The Birth Mom would be able to apply for a kit of maternity clothes (available to all women who are expecting so they aren’t singled out),
Women who are in their 8th month would be allowed to choose a family so that they can talk and bond. The reason for this timing would be so that she could be secure in her plain, who she has chosen and who has chosen her. The adoptive family would have done all their online, cpr, in person classes and be ready to parent. She wouldn’t have to worry. Their credentials would be viewable to her. They would have a year to complete the process a waiting time similar to normal times now. The lottery of views to birthmothers would use those who have been waiting the longest in the system first. That way they have the chance to be chosen first. Although Birth Mothers wouldn’t necessarily know how long someone has been in the system (as not to taint their reputation IE “something must be wrong with them”) An algorithmic formula would be easier to understand once the 5 year anniversary passed for the site.
Open adoption shouldn’t be mandatory as closed shouldn’t be BUT all types and everything in-between. The e-harmony style site would only allow each family to see the accounts for each level of comfort they have for drug use, special needs, race, gender, age, religious beliefs and etc. They would have to mutually choose to see one another.
The Birth Mother could put in all of her family medical information into the data base so that the adoptive family could access it while at Dr. visits. (so many questions ask about family history– not knowing leaves a HUGE gap in care for kids) She could also update it as she finds out information in the future. Dr’s could have this as a national resource so that the kids don’t have gaps in information. Birth Father could do the same.
The site could also facilitate in reunions when both are ready if they choose not to remain in contact. If they choose photos, video, texts, letters etc. it could be a data base so that no matter what happens those special communications are safe.
What I have mulled over isn’t perfect but it is better than what we have now. IMHO.
This is sad because you are so right, there are babies and children out there in need of a stable home with loving parents. I can see why it must be demoralising for you, but don’t be, keep trying, remember, if and when you do succeed, you’ll be giving a child a good home and a chance in life, such a good thing to do. So again keep trying.
Thank you nias. I long for the hope that I had a the beginning of the process.
FIT, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know how constant disappointments can wear a person down, each loss hitting harder than the last, until you’re chronically empty and unfulfilled.
I wish I had advice, or some knowledge about the adoption process, but I don’t. I wouldn’t even know where to start. It must have been incredibly frustrating to seek out the people who SHOULD be able to point you in the right direction, and find them to be completely unhelpful and ignorant of their own programs and services.
I understand that this has been your dream for a long time, but if you’ve truly decided to lay it to rest, I hope you can find some other way(s) to feel fulfilled. (And, E might be right — it’s not too late, not by a long shot. Maybe set the idea aside for now, and revisit it in 6 months to a year after taking some time to decompress?)
lost. You are so right. Constant disappointments.
Dreams…I think that is why I am struggling. I have to come to terms with laying this to rest. I am clearly struggling. I am not there yet. This is such a hard thing. I have this little voice in the back of my head saying “You shouldn’t have tried again.”, “I told you so.”, “I knew no one would choose us.”
Unfortunately, in 6 months we will have moved. So. Because of current laws we would have to start over. Financially… I don’t think I can justify a 3rd round of paying for fingerprints, agency costs, home-study, etc. I have about $22,000.00 in to it and no baby. If you look at that from strictly a profit and loss assessment this is not a wise decision to move forward again. I need to start aggressively saving for my retirement, nest egg, parent care (inevitably coming), have dentil work done, etc. I have been so single minded in this I haven’t done any of those things. I know it sounds crazy. Because the myth is that all those who adopt already have all of that. The truth is under the current system the adoptive families turn over their books, tax records, medical records and etc. to the agencies and many get to decide how to spend the adoptive families monies. Some even charge on a sliding scale. So. If you have saved they say… you have a tax credit coming just spend what you have and you will get a credit. This is a credit. NOT a reimbursement. You don’t actually get any money. It just helps you to not have to pay the government more… (rolling eyes) like I can say … sorry new baby (that I spent thousands to earn the right to parent) I don’t get to stay home with you because I now have to make money to raise you. HELL no. I would stay home with her even if it means we don’t have as much. I have waited so long to hold her, love her, care for her when she is sick, teach her to ride a bike, and wipe her nose when she cries etc.
Wouldn’t it make more sense if adoptive families spend the thousands for a collage fund or estate trust that the child gets upon their 18th? Instead of paying agencies and lawyers to push paper? Which is EXACTLY what I have been doing.
Do not give up. You will have your baby. I believe you already do.
Imagine yourself having your baby, BELIEVE IN THAT, live as though you have her, and in a way you won’t expect, she will enter your life. This is the belief system I have recently started to try to live by, and it works. It really does. DO NOT GIVE UP on your belief that you HAVE your beloved child already. And she will objectify in your world. Don’t focus on the want, the lack, the frustration. Focus on HAVING. Try it.
Three.moons
I will try it.
i’m sorry for your pain, its very rough feeling to see everyone round you have their own kids then they look at you with that pity eye saying “poor” in their head. now after 5 years of marriage my wife is pregnant & that has changed life’s taste for me, i saw many friends married after i & they got kids but i didnt. i had to find the answer to the same boring question when everyone asks why!! i got sick of that. i’ll pray for you to find your happiness, you deserve it. but please dont ever give up.
For me the term “Mom” is much more than any woman who has her own biological baby. It is much more than that. I am ashamed of being born to this woman whom I call mom. She is dark blot on my life. She is shameless and a shame to the whole motherhood. Her acts are just…………………..
FIT, how are you and your baby girl doing? I’ve been imagining you joyous and fulfilled w/ her in your arms. she’s on her way to you. Know it. xo
You will be a great mother you surely do. How I wished I can have a mum like that coz my parents don’t care at me anyway. How I wished they just get me aborted