Grief support, or lack thereof

I went to a grief support group last night. It took me two weeks to find one that would take me. I live in a fairly large city (roughly 2 million), but yet every single place I called told me I didn’t belong there (except one.) I called hospitals, grief support groups, community mental health organizations, counselors (in fairness, they’d take me, at the tune of $90 and up and hour), and every referral service I could find on the internet. I even called suicide prevention, but they did not have any new names of organizations that I had not tried.

I explained the same thing to every organization: my mom is terminal. There is no hope for recovery. She faces a very unpleasant death, which may or may not take long. I can’t deal with it. I need help. I really, really need help. I don’t want to drink. I don’t want to do drugs. I don’t want to medicate the pain away. I want to fucking deal with it and learn to cope.

Here’s a collection of responses. I may not have the quotes 100%, but I’m not exaggerating:

“We can’t help you. She [my mom] isn’t dead yet.”

“Our groups are only for people who have had actual (or real) losses.”

“We don’t offer any kind of support except for those who have already had a death.”

“Why don’t you just find a way to pay for counseling?” (If I had $90 to blow per hour, I fucking would.)

“Well, someone else is going to have to help you.”

I finally lost my temper and told one woman that this is why people commit suicide: because when someone genuinely needs and asks for help, they get this kind of bullshit response.

I told another woman that if she wouldn’t refer me to grief support, could she at least give me some references for depression support. She very coldly replied that “I don’t think that’s going to meet your needs”, to which I replied, “Please don’t make that assumption. I don’t know what will work until I try.” She reluctantly gave me a number for a group I’d already tried. Incidentally, she worked for the most reputable community help organization in my city. I’d love to know who hired her and I sure wish that call had been recorded by her supervisor. A part of me also wishes I’d have told her to go fuck herself.

Anyhow, back to the group that said yes. I didn’t know this until I got there, but it was started as a group for people who had lost someone to suicide. And no – I promise, this isn’t going to turn into anything preachy. I am not judging anyone, ever, and I’m not trying to spread a message here… just trying to tell my story. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts/impulses since I was 11 or 12; I’m now 46. I get it.

It was very, very difficult to hear these people talk. Since my mom told me she was dying, I’ve been so depressed (especially when I could not find help) that I was again suicidal. I didn’t tell anyone there that, but listening to them gave me a new perspective. Again, I’m not passing any kind of judgment on anyone here at all, but this made me rethink what my family would feel if I ended my life.

It was so healing to be accepted by this group. I was worried that I would not be accepted because I wasn’t in the same situation, but they made it clear that I was welcome. I am so, so grateful and I will go back. There are some really wonderful people in this world. I don’t feel so alone any more, and that in and of itself is a huge weight off my shoulders.

I can’t say I feel better about my mom, but I feel – well, cared about and listened to. And since I can’t have my mom get better, that’s the next best thing I could have asked for.

Thanks for listening.