Hiding. I don’t want to go to the movies with you. I don’t want to celebrate anyone’s birthday. No, I don’t want to visit with you. Please don’t come by. Please don’t ask to make plans with me. Please don’t call. I have nothing left to give any of you. I cannot be a friend at the moment. I’m exhausted by all of you. You remind me of who I was. Who I am presently not. I know you want to see me smile. I know you want to hear me laugh. I know you want me to be happy. But I am unmoved by these sentiments.
I can’t keep up with you. I can’t focus on what you are saying. Don’t ask me questions you don’t want to hear the answers to. I’m fine. I’m alive. That’s what you want.
I know if I ask for help you will come, with baffled expressions & words of concern. You will stay. You will watch me cry. You will tell me to get “help”. I will go through the motions. I will summon the courage to make phone calls to therapists, doctors & support groups. I’ll make appointments for intakes & evaluations. I will sit in waiting rooms full of sick, sad & crazy people. The florescent lights feeling the circles under my eyes. I will be pleasant, I will be cautious in what I tell the therapist. I know it’s a dance. I know I cannot tell the truth. Not really. I’ll sit with the doctor. Older. Graying. Skeptical. He’ll tell me “well you don’t LOOK depressed”. My mouth will fumble for words.
I’ll tell you I’m doing better. And you’ll believe me.
And then you’ll ask me to go to a fucking movie.
1 comment
i feel like this a lot, too. when you’re walking aimlessly in circles and everything is pointless. but that’s what depression is. To quote someone i admire, “It’s running on knees. It’s an earworm hum. It’s a vampiric curse. It’s tying shoelaces with with fingers cut off at the first knuckle. It’s the constant smell of burning but the flames and smoke are nowhere to be found.
It’s the power to see sadness in a sunbeam.”
people care about you. please hold on for them. just because you haven’t found help that made any difference yet, it doesn’t mean you won’t in the future.
eventually i usually feel the urge to crawl out of isolation. sometimes i wish there were just a sign or something to give ppl — like, “no, i’m not okay. I think I will be later, but I can never predict the future” or “i’m trying, you know i’m trying, please don’t blame me if i fail”