Hello everyone.
For about six years now, I have dealt with severe depression. I have done some self harming, but I stopped after a few months of doing so. I feel as if I do not belong on this Earth. I feel way too different from everyone else to be happy. This place… these people- I have no faith in this planet doing well at all. Why should I be here?
I cry often for no reason; I feel as if sometimes I am losing my mind. The mental anguish I feel is indescribable. I am currently in college and will be graduating next year. My GPA is ok, nothing spectacular. I’m currently on medication for depression/anxiety, and I smoke marijuana as well to help with this.
I have speculated suicide many times. Often when I go out all I see is myself dead. Jumping infront of a train, off of a bridge, etc. I have been looking heavily into the helium method to end all of this. I have a feeling I will not end my life and just continue to go through with this life. Everyone says it gets better, but does it really?
My family is what holds me back from taking myself out of this world. I love them too much and do not want to break their hearts. I just wish they knew how I felt. It’s almost like torture for me to be alive. I cannot hurt them. They are all that I have. I have lost many friends, and my relationships… I’ve been used and taken for granted. I feel as if I am very empathetic toward people, but no one else returns such empathy. My heart aches.
9 comments
There is happiness in the world. Sometimes you can’t see it, but it is there. Having goals and achieving one tiny thing at a time helps me. Reaching out to people helps me, even if I can’t always be sure if they will reach back. Sometimes I feel I’ve been rejected, but all I needed to do was reach out once more. Reach out to new people, old friends.
Just wrote about this in some other thread, but for me I need to have both new acquaintances as well as old friends… even if those relationships may be a bit broken. Don’t get stuck in harmful relationships. Broaden your perspectives, don’t get scared of new people based on old experiences.
It’s okay to withdraw for a while and just concentrate on yourself… Sometimes people suffocate me. But then you have to reach out – not to one, but many people, gradually. Even if it’s scary. I’m very shy, but I take some chances, one by one… I don’t expect too much from new people. But when they reciprocate, it’s awesome.
First of all you have to concentrate on taking care of yourself, but you can still get to know new people, they don’t have to know everything yet. Old friends may understand if you really tell them how you feel. You don’t have to be all alone. Some people have turned against me but some have taken me back after I’ve just decided to get over the idea that they must hate me forever…
I am able to relate to about everything you just said. Based on personal experiences I’d recommend that you tell your family or whoever is closest to you about you feel. It’s important they know and at the same time also won’t make it all that is to you, but accept the fact that this is how you feel from time to time. At least for me it meant that I stopped distancing myself from the people I cared about – because at some point I didn’t have the energy to fake a smile no more. Laying off the weed will help you calm your mind and have less ups and downs too – even though it might not feel that way at first.
I wish you the best, and I believe that many people here are feeling the exact same way you do.
I agree with, I can relate to everything you’ve said, and I wish i could help you, step out of the screen and give you a big hug! but it does have to come from you i echo imheretoo (although its easier to say than do), tell someone anyone..if you can’t speak write it in a letter. Its the first step. I always lost my voice with friends so the person I told was a doctor. It wasn’t a miracle answer but it was one more step…
Same
I’m sorry you are feeling the way you do inside, but it sounds as if you have a lot of positive in your life to balance the negative if you can figure out how. You spoke of your love for your family and although you feel your GPA is “nothing spectacular,” graduating college is a huge deal for anybody. You are still very young and have a lot to look forward to in life, even if it may not seem that way at the moment.
You stated that you wish your family knew how you felt. I will tell you that several years ago, I opened up to everyone in my life about my suicidal feelings and severe depression (they were completely unaware) after believing for many years that I never would. It didn’t make everything perfect, but I feel it has helped. You may discover that revealing your feelings to your loved ones will lift a weight off of your spirit and provide a feeling that you no longer have to endure this alone. I wish you the best.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)
Yeah, definitely share your feelings with someone trustworthy, but make sure you do it in a way that’s comfortable for you. Letter, phone call, face-to-face, whatever rocks your boat. Writing helps to sort it out if you want to make sure not to say anything you might regret later. Maybe rehearse in your head if you have to. Or just go unprepared if that’s your thing.
But yeah, I still think it’s important to have casual interactions with people… even if it means putting on a mask of some sort. I think that’s okay. It makes me feel normal. You don’t have to tell everyone.
You can take off the mask for some people, keep it on for others. It’s important to be accepted as you are, but it’s also important to be treated just like anybody else. Ideally you could be treated normally even without the mask – but I don’t trust people to do that. So, I think you need both separately. If you want to feel normal, you can have casual chit-chat with acquaintances who have no idea of your troubles. If you want to feel understood, you can talk with people who know. I think this is also one way to not let your troubles define you. Just be normal, be friendly, meet new people. Share your troubles with a select few.
How much you share with each person is up to you. You can tell everyone everything. Or you can tell a few people a little. Or anything in between. But don’t keep it all inside.
Hi littlewing
Life won’t get better if you don’t make it better for yourself. NOTHING will ever come to you, that is an absolute rule!
There are some users who are suggesting you talk to someone. Don’t talk to someone you value as they will think less of you no matter how nice a friend they are (a natural course of pity that turns you into ‘less’ of a person in their eyes). If you feel you must talk to someone make sure they are someone not involved with your personal life (therapist?). The ONLY exception I can think to this rule is someone who has gone through a similar existence but don’t forget, just like a book, you can’t judge people from face value.
Remember; Only you can deal with your own challenges, no one can solve them nor even aid them other than yourself.
Families should be there to help each other. If your cousin or sister etc were going thru this what would you hope for her to do? Can you talk with your family? I know I’d rather have someone talk to me then suicide after feeling they couldn’t tell me things. You are already hurting so try reaching out and see if it helps. Good luck.
I agree with Lsari. In my experience it is best to get to know new people who know nothing of your troubles. After telling some people I know, I felt I needed to get away from them. I can’t let myself be defined that way.
But still I find it somehow comforting to know that some people know, even if they may think less of me. There can be some rare people who won’t, but that’s an exception. It has been studied that people instinctively tend to blame the victim. It’s not fair, but if you’re worse off for whatever reason, people will think less of you for it. People need to protect themselves, thinking it couldn’t happen to them. It only happens to people worse than them, so they’re safe. It’s a psychological defense.
Sometimes the best course of action is to just keep things as normal as possible. Having casual chit-chat and making new acquaintances really makes me feel better and raises self-confidence as well. You can share yourself and feel connected in other ways. You can share bits and pieces of how you feel, casually.
When it comes to talking about actual problems, some would tell everyone close to them. I’ve told a select few, some were not even very close. Everyone gets a varying degree of depth. It really depends on the person you’re talking to. You can’t make someone understand, so if you think they won’t, you’re probably right. Of the people that I have told any part, I hold those who have stuck by me in high regard.
If you’re already feeling like all your friends have turned against you and you have lost everyone because you’re too negative, sad, withdrawn or whatever reason, it can help to talk to some of them. I consider it a last resort. At that point there is nothing to lose. I’ve been there. It has helped in some cases. In some cases I’ve realised all I would’ve needed to do was forget those thoughts and assume we could still be friends. Trying too hard can have the opposite effect.
Last year I came to a point I started acting pretty hostile against my former friends because I assumed they would not accept me, they would not understand. I don’t recommend that. If you start actively driving people away because you think no one would ever accept you, then you need to talk. Explaining what’s going on is certainly a better option than being super-pissed off at everyone for seemingly no reason.
Everyone’s situation is different. Yeah, no one else can solve your problems. But if other people are part of the problem, perhaps you can solve that part by talking to them. If you’re happier about relationships, it can be easier to concentrate on the other problems.