That hell that’s been my head these past 26 years has gotten the best of me.
I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD 3 years ago and even though i thought learning about it would help me, i’m still the
same fucking mess, still failing at everything and the worst is i have learned i can’t do SHIT about it.
And I am tired of this.
I’ve had enough of the stuggle
I’ve had enough of feeling stupid and ridiculed by people i call my friends
Enough of this emotional rollercoaster which has crashed years ago on depression mode
Enough of believing i’m surrounded by caring people until i realize i ****** the relationship up to the point where i just annoy everyone else as much as i hate myself for it.
Enough of living for the approbation of people i’m not worthy of.
Enough of trying harder with it never being good enough for anyone, not even myself
Enough of alienating and losing all the people i have been friend with
Enough of nurturing hope in those aeons people call dreams when i am only capable of failing patheticly.
Enough of the pain, the self-hatred, the lies, betrayals, disappointment and misunderstandings.
But most of all what i am sick of are those pity parties i can’t help throwing for myself.
Despite therapies, meditation, medication, coaching or positive thinking i still can’t help doing this. NOTHING has worked.
Everytime i think i made a step in the right direction, i’m taken 3 steps backwards.
Thanks a lot, Universe.
Seriously, ive been like this for so long and it is clearly NOT getting better, despite everyone saying it is.
I choose to end this.
I don’t care what’s on the other side.
I don’t care if it hurts everyone around me anymore. None of them cares enough to listen to what i’m really saying and then i’m the fucking bad guy because of my innefectiveness.
FUCK. THIS.
Good luck to all of you.
2 comments
wow, i dont remember writing this. wait, wait, im 56 not 26. yo dude, how did you end up with my life? what are you doing with my thoughts and dreams? always knew i was diffrent, knew about the depression since my teens. but learned about my adhd in my thirties, and ptsd in my forties.knowledge is helpful to a point. if you know what it is, and what it does, you can find a way to fight it, to cope with it, to deal with it. yes, i am suffering the same dark night as you right now, and im scared cause i dont really want to die,but i dont know how to live. i too, am tired of crying,hurting, losing, etc, etc… but(yeah, their always seems to be a but), the differance this time is me. i am a beat up,tired old man, with nothing left to lose. i am reading all these posts from you young people and that really hurts. as a parent of two grown kids, one special needs, it really gets me. so, what are we most angry at? in my opinion, the thing we need to be mad at is this thing called depression. instead of taking the anger out on ourselves and others, we need to find a way to fight back and beat this thing.
A.N.,
Your sadness and frustration is clear in this post and I’m sorry you have reached this point. I do hope another option will surface, but whatever happens, I wish you the best.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)