I have a long list of psychological problems and conditions. I once had passion for life and love, but no more. My level of intelligence, education, similar issues, and past compel me to make comparisons with that popular actor on The Big Bang Theory. The asexuality aspect of it isn’t a result of E.D. or some physical dis-function. I no longer desire any kind of relationship. I always knew I would die alone. Now I can’t imagine it any other way. As is par for the course, I had my share of suicidal thoughts, cutting, and even a real attempts. Bad news for the younger readers; it doesn’t get better. Ever. I don’t have any new plans to sound the final bell, mainly because I am so indifferent about life, that I don’t have the strength to live or die. Nor do I have the will to try and do anything about it. I always figured that a loophole around hurting your family by ending it all would be to wait until about mid 60’s. That way, everything and everyone I ever knew and loved would be gone. Then the transition would be easier. That’s just my philosophy. I have a job, but it serves only to keep me in a position to “medicate”. It’s gotten so bad that I have to medicate at work just to function. I am referring to Mary Jane. I will eventually lose my job and livelihood. I have very few things to look forward to anymore. But Christmas is one of them. Every year I try t make it the best one ever; just in case it is my last one on this Earth. Thanks for reading. Take care all.
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When I was 18 I was in college, healthy and full of motivation.. no drugs.. a childhood friend moved in.. he was a stoner.. about 3 months in I smoked weed.. i lost control of my mind.. i screwed up everything in my life for 13 years after.. i couldn’t quit.. i just self sabotaged myself all these years in every aspect of life… why wouldn’t I quit after the first 10 life altering mistakes?? Nope continued to smoke myself into an oblivion. I am 31 now.. a complete broken mess..with a lifetime regret.. i quit 2 months ago.. but the damage is done..
You need to quit Mary Jane…before it’s too late. That’s what I believe is 1 of the reasons you feel this way.. for some people it doesn’t affect them that bad. For others it ruins them..I was addicted to it.. and ya people say you can’t get addicted or they say it’s not the weed causing your problems, fuck them, it’s only other pot smokers that say that. You can be addicted to anything. So ya.. “quit the dope or it will keep you broke” – Jay z
The first thing that I think of before I blaze up are all the good memories in the early days when it was still fun. The 1st time I got high, it was an epiphany. “So this is what had been missing in my life.” I always believed it was the treatment not the cause. I mean I was suicidal years before my 1st puff. That was 17 years ago.
I see, damaged before your first puff.. sorry you felt that way.. may I ask why you felt suicidAL back then?
At a young age it was very enjoyable… All the friends I blazed with.. raves I went too.. not a care in the world.. and then the problems started coming in. . Hard.. i smoked way too much.. i was addicted. Jesus I smoked with just guy friends most the time.. so lame.. wouldn’t of been so bad if I had a gf to smoke with.. the few I did have didn’t haha. Was a good looking kid with a ton of potential. . Smoked it all away.. YOLO! Cutting eh? Thought only girls did that lol I chain smoke and work disgusting jobs.. slow suicide.. but I always think of what I am going to do.. drive off a cliff.. drown in he ocean.. od
I was never normal to say the least. Hence the whole Sheldon Cooper reference. I can remember even as a kid, I would have to retreat into privacy from time to time when the “feeling” came over me. As a kid full of life, I was able to chase it away in a matter of minutes. When I saw my 1st shrink at age 10, I was immediately diagnosed with clinical depression. The first suicidal thoughts came at 13. Unpopular, bullied, lonely, depressed. I miss elementary school. Junior high sucks. LOL Over the years, I came to realize not having a girlfriend or relationship wasn’t the reason for my depression. Today I realize that I was doomed to this from the word go. The outcome was decided 13.5 billion years ago. Well thanks for hearing my story. Logging off now. Be back later tonight. Take care.
Hi MM, if you pride yourself in your intelligence, then shouldn’t you accept that you’re smart enough to figure out a way to beat depression? That’s not meant as a dig but a challenge.
If we approach this as Sheldon Cooper would: Let’s say depression is a condition that causes a person to operate at decreased efficiency. Do you remember the episode when he was obsessed with figuring out some equation that he had gone days without sleep and was ruining himself? Then Penny points out that sleep deprivation causes a decrease in mental ability. And just like that, he was like “I see your point” and off to bed.
Granted, the things you’ve listed can’t be waved away with a night’s sleep. But maybe you can take a similar, rational approach and figure out what needs to be done to get back on your game?
While I do believe that some of us are programmed to be depressed from the start, that doesn’t mean you can’t overcome the handicap. Just look at Stephen Hawking.
Me, I’m convinced that I’m going to kill myself because I got a crappy mix of genes. But sometimes I use that same thought to fight it. Emotionality may be dictated by genes, but rationality is absolute. Obviously it’s not working for me otherwise I wouldn’t be here. But maybe someone who’s smarter can beat the system.