Slow descent into madness

This is my first post on here I am a 24 year old man that has been struggling with depression since 16 the women that I love moved in with me a few days ago because her dad hit her and threttened to hit her kid we where getting pretty close and I was excited to have the possibility to help raise the kid I had come to thinking of as my own all I have ever wanted was a house a good job and someone to share my life with I was so close I hadn’t even thought about suiside in weeks all of a sudden she told me we are good friends all I have ever wanted was to help her i pay the bills helped her find a job drive her to see her friends and buy her clothes she is my everything I have been contemplating killing my self almost every hour now I held a loaded 45 to my head again today I pulled the trigger but I either forgot to cock it or the tiny part of my mind that is still semi coherent tried to stop me I had been sober for almost a month I started drinking again today I told everyone it was because I got a new job I was celebrating but I didn’t its just to help me get through the days even if I wanted to push past all the terrible things in my life and be happy i have taken so many painkillers and drank so much my body is slowly shutting down and idk how much longer my kidneys and liver will hold out i just don’t see the point in trudging through this life anymore everynight I hope I fall asleep and never wake up but then I always do the lines between my sick twisted dreams and my  conscious self are blurred so much anymore I don’t know what’s real and when I am dreaming I just want this to end I am sick of fighting of trying to be strong for everyone in my life but myself