So where to start-almost 60 yrs old, would be considered successful by most, I guess. But I feel it’s all a lie. I’m not as good as people think I am at my job- if I do something praiseworthy it’s more by accident than skill. Most of my life has been like that. I’m really not that good at anything! I have a family, very proud of my son, but I think everyone else in the family just looks at me as a paycheck. Every day I stress about letting them down somehow, or disappointing them, which according to my wife I do on regular basis anyway, and it’s gotten to the point where I just can’t stand facing the new day. My thought is that by ending my life I could give them the insurance money and they wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore, plus I would be free of the stress that is probably killing me already. It’s impossible to be happy about anything because I’m always waiting for the bad news to hit. Can’t talk to anyone anywhere, so here it is. Thanks.
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I’ve said this before, The statistics: The category with the highest “successful” suicide rate is, white men 50+ years old. Probably the reasons are what you’ve stated in your message. Ya, the teens get all the press and lots of attempts, but us old farts get the number one slot because when the job has to get done, we do it and do it right…no screwing around, no whining and crying about it. Boom..done-ski. Yeah!!
I think you’re exactly correct when you say “it’s all a lie.” The money, the house, the cars, the paycheck is an empty illusion. So, there ya go. Start with that basic truth. Google, investigate, meditate, check out zen, life illusion, quantum physics, holographic universe..Good luck. Hang it. Figure it out.
It’s all about doing the job right the first time. I guess I wasn’t completely clear in my post; the lie is me. I would love to be happy about what I’ve given to the family, but I feel they always want more, not thinking about what I have to go through to get them everything. They just don’t seem to care. I keep telling myself that I don’t care what others think. But I’m kidding myself and I know it. I figured if I get to go to heaven I will be free of the worry and fear and stress. If I don’t get to heaven then I will have screwed something else up, but at least it would be the last time.
Well, you..are not the lie. If you believe there’s a heaven and hell then perhaps you also believe in a God…Source…Infinite Universe….or whatever you want to call Him. This power created you and He cannot create a lie. That’s impossible. He creates only truth. So, you’re not the lie. The lie is believing in a man made society and self-made ego that would make you, your family, and everyone be ungrateful and have grievances toward each other. There’s the lie. The ego is a deep dark hole and you could pour the earth, sun, moon and stars into it and it would never never be enough. Don’t believe in this lie. I know it sucks to have spent 40 years slaving away, day in-day out working like a slave then to find out it’s all a lie, fantasy, illusion. But it’s never too late to grab this lie and squeeze the truth out of it. Hang in..Rock on!
Im sorry u feel that way. You make me want to go and thank my father who is about 60. I think I am going to do that right now, and you – don’t you give up, your family loves you more than you’ll ever know.
Every morning I wake up and ask myself “will today be the day I die?” Knowing that, having that feeling, is like having a winning lottery ticket in my pocket- I can pull it out at any time and stop the hurt and the worry and the stress. That’s probably the main thing that gets me through each day, knowing that if it gets too bad, it will be the final day. This has been going on for over a year, just waiting and anticipating.
rea3366, I replied to another of your posts but from this one I get a better picture of you. I’m at the same point in life, and am realizing that everything I “earned” and “deserved” ultimately has not made me happy. I’m going radical- selling everything, downsizing, getting into a much smaller house in a cheaper town, then I’m retiring. Then I’m going to do whatever the hell I feel like, without answering to anybody. Have you considered something like this? Ruts are just that- ruts. Like rats on an exercise wheel. Maybe a big change of scenery or routine will help you too. Good luck.