I need to find an outlet. I’m not sure what, but I need to. Every day I wake up and wonder why my life suddenly feels like a nightmare. After ending an emotionally and physically abusive relationship of four years, I have had my ups and downs. During our relationship, he could make me feel amazing and he could make me feel horrible. He would either tell me I was beautiful, or tell me he wished I was pretty, like the girl in his class, that I had a more toned body, instead of being so skinny, that I had bigger boobs, that my lips were different. He would tell me that maybe he wouldn’t sext other girls or be all over them, ask to have sex with them, if only I sent him naked pictures. Regrettably, I had done everything he asked. I changed myself, his comments of how much of a *****, slut, or **** I was, making me feel like I had something to prove. I exercised non stop, I changed my clothes, I tried to change who I was, do what he wanted. But it didn’t help anything. Cue his continual sexting with girls, his continual verbal abuse towards me, his choking me, his telling me that he wouldn’t have made a hole in his wall, if I had just not made him mad. There were good times too. He would tell me he didn’t mean it, that I was his reason for living, that I was the most amazing thing in the world. I was confused. If I were so great at times, I guess there were other times I was so horrible too. During this past summer, he became more physical, one time resulting in his arrest, when he dragged me by my hair in the city. Everyone told me, police included, that he was a danger to me. Yet, I felt so badly about myself, that I felt like I may have deserved it. Maybe if I didn’t get him so mad, he wouldn’t have done it. Can’t everyone see that it’s all my fault? I kept replaying this in my head, even more confused when he spent the following months being the man I always wanted him to be: romantic, sweet, caring. But it wasn’t enough. I thought of how my life would go, and I wanted to scream. Yet, no matter how much I knew he was bad for me, I wanted to stay. Because deep down all I kept thinking, I’m lucky I even have him, because there’s something wrong with me.
I’m not sure what happened, if I had finally snapped, but when a sweet, considerate guy from my class was finally nice to me, finally showed me what I needed in a time when I was weak, I regrettably gave in. I’m not proud of it. I’ve never liked cheating, it was against everything that I stood for. But at the time, I felt like I needed someone to save me when I couldn’t save myself. It was like a movie, and maybe he would fix it, make it all go away, make me feel like a person again. Immediately after, I broke up with my now ex boyfriend. I knew it was the right thing to do, but I still felt sad. I felt ashamed, guilty, and like I was a bad person. His friends would look at me, glares in their eyes, and all I could think was, wow, I am a slut. I really am, and I hated myself.
Recently, my ex and I had talked again. He convinced me that he changed, that he was the only one for me. Yet, last night, he proved once again that he is and never has been the person I wanted him to be. But rather, he is someone who knows how to make me feel like I’m nothing. After almost committing suicide because of how bad I’ve been feeling, I told him that I couldn’t talk to him anymore. He wasn’t very happy about that, and told me once again that I would never be loved by anyone by him. He made me feel worthless. He hung up on me, and I had stared at the phone, wondering in disbelief why it seemed like he was the one in power again, when I had called him to tell him I was done speaking with him. I lashed out, I lost myself. I embarrassingly tried to call him multiple times. I believed that I was worth nothing. I believed him when he said no one would ever or could ever care about someone like me like he could. When even he wouldn’t answer, I sat back and thought, I really am worth nothing. True, I had my family and I’m sure others who loved me, but it’s so hard to think about that when you don’t love yourself. I choked myself, wanting to hurt myself even more, but knowing all at the same time that it wasn’t the right answer.
I’ve gone to counseling multiple times, but I still can’t get this image out of my head that everyone must see that there’s something wrong with me. I’m sure they don’t. In my classes, outside of classes, I am the epitome of confidence and happiness…at least that’s how I appear to everyone else. But inside, I feel like I’m never good enough, and that secretly, everyone knows it. Every rejection is a confirmation of what a failure I am. It’s a confirmation that I am worth nothing, and that I never will. I heard that during these moments, you’re supposed to distract yourself, read a book, write in a journal. But the thing is, I have no energy left. I use all of it in front of people, an act. And when I’m alone in my room, I collapse. I become who I really am, which is a depressed person who doesn’t understand herself, who feels as if she is incapable of being loved, incapable of being a person that people appreciate, incapable of being of value.