I have always been a failure. For most of my life I have been successful at convincing others that I have things together and know where I’m trying to go and what I’m trying to do, but I have never known. Any successes I have had have stemmed purely from luck and circumstance and any situations that I have been deprived of either of these has led to certain failure and a complete inability to function like a human being. And in many of those circumstances where I did get lucky, I was either discovered a fraud or imploded the situation myself out of fear of discovery. This cycle has repeated itself enough that I have finally become exhausted, both unwilling and unable to let it continue any further. I have failed in a way that now ruins any prospects I have of a normal adult life. I am almost 26 years old and still essentially a child. I will never be an adult, largely because of holes I have dug for myself from my own stupidity and lack of any perceivable skills beyond the ability to project a false image of myself. I have essentially ruined any chance I have at living.
I cannot take care of myself. I don’t know how. I was never given those skills nor did I ever have the chance at developing them. I grew up in an insular bubble in the middle of nowhere, essentially sheltered away from any meaningful social interaction beyond individuals whom I have known my entire life and as such not exactly providing me with the ability to navigate unfamiliar social situations. I spent so much time alone due to the isolation of living so far away from anyone that I developed a strong imagination, which has benefitted me in some ways but has also given me the unfortunate ability to lose myself in daydreams rather than acknowledge real consequences of my actions. I see myself ignoring real things for fantasy, almost assuming things will just happen if I keep imagining they will. But they will not, and whatever delusions I keep harboring will only make my situation worse. But I also know they will not stop.
It has gotten to the point where I now realize that I have become a burden on almost everyone around me. My constant failures and constant need of being saved has caused others, who I have pushed away to hide the fact that I am a failure, to constantly have to help me for little in return. I cannot keep doing this. I cannot keep acting as a drain on everyone around me while contributing nothing. I just can’t make others have to deal with fixing my pointless, stupid mistakes. And, at the same time, there is little to no hope of overcoming the fact that I am a complete and utter failure. I am ungrateful, self-centered, delusional, stupid, and a failure. I cannot keep doing this to others.
I have no energy left. I have no sense of momentum or future beyond what I am going to eat for dinner and even that has become a chore. I eat because I need it not because I have the energy to eat and everything has begun tasting like a flavorless mush. I used to get so excited to go run and now it also feels like a chore, a thing I do because I am still alive and not because I enjoy it. I used to enjoy reading books and watching televisions and going out with friends and now each of those things feel like a chore when all I want to do is disappear and not have to live with myself any longer. Social interactions have become impossible as my energy dissipates and deep down I know that I will only end up alone, pushing anyone away to hide my lifelong fraud from anyone who may eventually discover it.
I cannot seek therapy or any kind of medical help, as I cannot pay for it and I refuse to let others continue to pay for me when I am a fucking 25 year old adult who has had multiple chances at not failing and every single time I have done this to myself. There are so many people in the world who have struggled more than I have who have managed it yet I am completely incapable of understanding even the most basic facets of how a person is supposed to live. Everyone around me, everyone I have ever known, has started to become a real adult. I have not grown since the age of 20 and have been treading water because deep down I know I am incapable of further growth. I am a fraud.
12 comments
Join the crowd.
Does that mean I’m a fraud as well? Because I feel the same way.
I don’t even know if I am actually a fraud, only that I feel like one. So I couldn’t make any kind of judgment about another person.
Well then, I guess we’re in this boat together, because I certainly feel how you do!
almost like i wrote this myself… most of it anyway
yep, but there are reasons for this.. what was the cause? did you ever do drugs or binge drink??
No, in fact the deeper I get the less I want to drink because I don’t like drinking alone and the deeper I get the more I want to be alone. I have not had any alcohol in over a month mostly because I have tried my best to not be around people.
I know there are reasons and they are entirely my fault.
U not alone!!
isolation is damaging to a mind and soul.. it ruined me too the past 5 years for i have a job in the oilfield where i drive and by myself alot.. i day dreamed too.. damn I feel the exact same way as you dude.. but weed strayed me to this path cause i was raised in a bustling prosperous city.. dude you need to get out and travel, or relocate before you get too old man!! if you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?
Unfortunately relocation is a huge part of the problem. I relocated, ended up not succeeding at the reason I relocated, and am now stranded with few resources.
Damn. Where did you relocate too? I know you were in a small town.. what was your choice of relocation?
I was thinking of doing some extensive travelling this summer.. was hoping that might help me grow into a better person.. always wanted to visit australia and japan haha