I’m the reason why my parents may get a divorce soon.. the only thing that’s holding this family together is my soon to be seven year old brother. Listen, I’m not overreacting or anything when I say this, my family hates me. Because I’m pretty sure that most families don’t call their daughters/sons: tramps, sl*ts, wh**es, and other things like that…
When I was in the eighth grade I was put into an actual public school; I thought everything would turn out alright. I thought everything would go the way I wanted it to. I was wrong. Not even a month of school had passed before every girl in my grade began to dislike me; that didn’t bother me. What bothered me was that I had no one, absolutely no one, to talk to, to waste my time with whilst we were all outside. I’d look like the.. the odd one out of everyone outside- I’d just wait by myself.
Sometime in October this guy, who is now my boyfriend, told me that he liked me. I responded different even though I had a huge crush on him. During the weekend I was able to ask him if he was serious and he said that he was serious. So we’ve been going out ever since the 5th of October up to this point and hopefully further.
Everything wasn’t all peachy-keen during that time. Near the middle of October I became depressed. Why? I had no friends, my family was still yelling at me and calling me names. One night while I was home, I got mad at my sister and, because I’m currently trying to reduce how much I swear, I told her to go jump in a hole. My parents overheard and thought I said “Go die in a hole”, so they told me to go kill myself… My parents expect so much from me. I try my hardest, I really do.. In school I’m only getting a 2.9 GPA. I never eat because I had this phobia of people judging me on how I eat and what I eat.
Not only did that happen but my boyfriend had apparently been caught sending nudes to his ex-girlfriend that attends our school.. What did I do? I beat the girl up. Why? I was too afraid to put my foot down and ask what had really happened. I guess I’m too afraid that if I try and ask he’ll leave me.
During those two whole months of October and November I became depressed…. I locked myself in my room, refused to eat anything unless I was to the point my stomach felt like holes were being burnt into it. I even made suicide notes because I was planning on overdosing on pills near the middle of November. My oldest sister, who is now seventeen, tried to kill herself and got caught cutting. My older sister got caught cutting herself too.
Then, one night, after I had my door broken from my oldest sister.. she came into my room and ripped out part of my hair and punched me. My fucking dad just watched from the doorway. My mom seemed to be the only one who cared because after what seemed like five minutes, my mother came stomping through my broken door and pushed my oldest sister off of me and began to yell at my dad. Later that night my sister came back in to find me curled up in my closet. She threw my shoes at me and left as she yelled “You’re a little b*tch, why don’t you go kill youself! You’re the reason mom and dad are getting a divorce!”
After she left, I crawled onto my bed, grabbed the knife from in the mattress and began to cut myself. That wasn’t the first time I had done it.. instead of doing that normal little cuts I did on the upper arm area, I raised my pajama pant leg and did it on my ankle… After I cried for nearly twenty minutes I decided to carve a word into my leg…. that word is still there to this day. Am I proud of what I put on myself? No. I wrote ***** on my leg, all because I let what my sister said to me get to my head.
If you’re reading this and you may be someone who is struggling right now… things will get better. I promise you that. Yes, things have gotten somewhat better for me since the beginning of the school year. I’ve stopped cutting and I try to eat what I can. I swear that everything will get better eventually- even if it may take a couple months.
You’re important to a lot of people, you know that. A bunch of people love you… they’d miss you soooo much if something were to happen to you. Okay? I love you so much <3 Everything will get better.
It will.