Maybe this is my suicide note, maybe it’s not. I don’t know yet. I’m tired of feeling like there isn’t enough for me. I feel like I’m an accidental extra. I’m somebody’s mistake that they didn’t feel like taking care of. Almost 19 years ago two stupid idiot drug addicted teens decided they wanted a baby. 19 years later here I am wishing they hadn’t.
I will admit that right now there are a lot of things for me to be happy about.. but I think I’m too far gone. Too apathetic to them. It’s not enough. I try so hard to hold on to them. I remind myself daily that I have them but it’s not enough.
There is a long list of reasons why I feel like I want to die so often. A list ranging from abuse to social issues. In the short run, I just feel tired. I don’t feel like I was born with enough spirit or energy to keep doing this. Or maybe I was born with all spirit and energy in the world only I had it drained from me.
I feel rage. I feel a lot of it. I feel like there is someone to blame. I could blame my step mom for repeatedly forgetting about me when she was ordering pizza or my dad doing the same thing when he’d bring home fast food for everyone. I could blame them again for not getting me anything on Christmas when one of my brothers got an XBoxOne. I could blame my mom for being an alcoholic, for abusing me and yanking my hair out. I could blame her for getting me thrown in foster care and tossed around between family members. I could blame all my family members for thinking they know whats right for me when they’re not even sure whats right for themselves.
I can’t stand parents. I can’t stand family members. I can’t stand people who think they’re ready to raise a person when they’re still smoking dope in a back room. “Don’t do drugs.” They said. “People who do drugs are bad.” Now how am I supposed to act when I find out my favorite aunt just did a line of CRACK with my mom in the other room.
How am I supposed to treat my dad when I find out he only recently just stopped smoking coke. Or whatever the fuck it is.
I don’t want to live. I don’t know how.
3 comments
Well first get them arrested cause they r doing drugs… 2nd there are always ups and down in life. 3rd think positive not negative. 4th think of happy moments u have and am sure everybody has happy moments in their life. 5th never blame yourself. Dont try to degrade yourself. 6th u have alot to live up, u might have a gf or your friends who care for u. U might not see at the moment but there is always who will support u and care about. If u have a God and a religion then in every religion its said that its a sin to suicide. U might have a hard life right now but after the marraige it will become easy coz there will be a person with u to help u, love you and care for u. Everyone is beautiful (: hope i helped. If u want to contact me u can contact me on facebook… its email is dashing_98dj@hotmail.com
I appreciate the time, Salman, but I’ve been told all that before. I know there are ups and downs, and I experience them. I know people care but I can’t help it. I can’t not feel like I don’t have that help or deserve that help.
And sorry for my bad english.