Something in your life is still keeping you tied to the living. Once you lose all ties, all reason and desire to live, once you hit real rock bottom then ending your life will be easier.
However, let me take something back, ironically hitting ‘rock bottom’ isn’t the incentive one would think it’d be for suicide. When I truly hit that point a couple of times in my life, all I could think of was that I didn’t want my family and friends feeling sorry for me that I died in such tragic and pathetic conditions…it’d hurt them more that they couldn’t do something to help me.
Which is why when I was at that point I pledged to only kill myself when life was going better for me, but not great. At least I’d leave with some dignity intact. But then things kept getting better after I pulled myself out of that hole, that I just stuck around. Still, suicide is on my mind constantly. Of all the reasons I have for killing myself, being poor, older, so forth, the biggest one is loneliness…I mean from not having a significant other (I have friends/family).
I warned myself not to squander my opportunities for relationships but I did it anyways. Sometimes I was too shy to approach girls or ask them out and then when I was dating, I became arrogant, I also ended up dumping them too easily. Anyways, I’m a screw-up in many ways. I’m going to try to improve my life over the next couple of years, give it one last ‘hurray’ before I die and if I’m in much the same place I’m in now, then I think I’ll sadly bring my life to a close.
I feel it’s almost inevitable for me and I don’t really look forward to that idea but I don’t think I have any other choice….I’m also sick of the daily grind of life. All my petty problems-I’d like them to just all go away. For that I’m grateful we’re not immortal beings.
You sound pretty intelligent and full of wisdom.. Thank you for your words. I just am not sure what to say.. I feel like right after things start going “okay” they turn around and go 180x worse… I really don’t feel like typing a lot because I don’t feel like doing much of anything.. I just wish listing the “reasonings” behind this question was quicker.. I guess some short ones would be that I can not for the life of me turn my fucking mind off overload and another being all the night terrors and flashbacks of bull shit from my younger years… I feel like I’m a bad disease and that every time I let someone get to know me somehow it all goes to hell and gets fucked up.. I’ve let a lot of ppl down.. I constantly feel guilty ashamed and embarrassed about my self harm and scars from self harm even though I know no one in public knows about them.. I have no energy for anything anymore. I don’t work I don’t drive I don’t go anywhere.. Maybe if I lay here long enough I can just slowly waste away like my soul is… And I hope to feel every ounce of pain. It’ll be like karma for every hurtful or disappointing thing I’ve done to anyone who’s crossed paths with me in this life of hell
Thanks DR….ya that’s one thing I could be grateful for, my intelligence, at least I am able to figure out my life a little better and try to change it if I can. You’re welcome also.
I’m sorry for the night terrors your experience…I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve had to suffer through. I’m assuming you were abused by people in your life. I realize words won’t help you stop the self-harm, its something that’ll have to come from within you to change.
I have a very high view of women (that I like), it’s partly why I’ve been shy-due to my reverence for them. So it bothers me even more to know that they’ve been harmed by others (men usually) when they were young. Many scumbags get away with it and they shouldn’t…they should be in jail and have their genitals cutoff so they’re never able to pass on their degenerate genes.
But of course the damage has already been done. No you don’t deserve any more pain-you’ve suffered enough already. And if you caused pain to others, it was because of what was done to you. What you should do is ask forgiveness from those you’ve harmed, they will forgive you and care for you even more. You sound like a pretty intelligent and decent person as well.
I think the best thing to do is to try get healing and closure, by seeing a reliable therapist.
In my case there’s very little hurt I’ve caused to others but I’ve been hurt by others. I’ve been made to feel worthless/unworthy of love by my father (I was never physically abused-thankfully, but it was more mental suffering). If you can’t love yourself, then others won’t love you either and they lose interest and leave you. Anyways, it’s just one other reason among a million others I don’t want to live….but I’m trying to change things over the next few years and see if things get better. If not, then I’m going to end it.
I guess we have something in common then because what I mean by “hurt” people is because I have a tendency to “push people away and give them a chance” as I’ve heard.. I guess in someway it’s almost like a form of protection?.. I’m not really sure.
But disappointment wise I just feel like I disgust people. Even though I know no one knows about the self harm I’ve done / do for some odd reason when I am in public these days I always feel like people are looking at me in disgust. I get so nervous my palms get all sweaty my heart races my stomach turns I feel like I can’t breathe.. It all sounds a little “over the top” but I guess that’s just me and another one of my faults. About you mentally suffering because of your father I’m sorry I know that path too while I’m sure there’s some sort of love my father has for me he ultimately chose drugs over me.. I do forgive him even though I know he still does it to this day because I know how It feels to have no one at all and feel like you’re forgotten about so I have a tendency to forgive others too fast and too easily when I know deep down I shouldn’t.. I am not quite sure how I can type so much because I honestly feel nothing inside. Something in me wants to cry but there’s just nothing left…
Oh and yes, there are a lot of sick people out there who get away with disgusting terrible things and I know one of them.. I wish nothing but horrible things for him and while I know that sounds hateful on my part I just want him to walk away someday with a little guilt.. He gets to walk free everyday when he should be locked up in a far away land with no light in his days.. Caged like the disgusting animal he is.. So while I lay here thinking of 10,000 thinks asking maybe of I approached that day differently or if I wore something different maybe things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did.. I live a life in constant fear from it because it controls me. The night terrors and memories control me… But he is free… I live with all these questions some may find stupid but they’re questions I have no answers to and I try do damn hard to search for answers and get nothing out of it but the fact that he won… He stole some of my pride and who I was that day and after all of it I lost the rest of myself through out the years… I’m sorry for going on and on I apologize
6 comments
Something in your life is still keeping you tied to the living. Once you lose all ties, all reason and desire to live, once you hit real rock bottom then ending your life will be easier.
However, let me take something back, ironically hitting ‘rock bottom’ isn’t the incentive one would think it’d be for suicide. When I truly hit that point a couple of times in my life, all I could think of was that I didn’t want my family and friends feeling sorry for me that I died in such tragic and pathetic conditions…it’d hurt them more that they couldn’t do something to help me.
Which is why when I was at that point I pledged to only kill myself when life was going better for me, but not great. At least I’d leave with some dignity intact. But then things kept getting better after I pulled myself out of that hole, that I just stuck around. Still, suicide is on my mind constantly. Of all the reasons I have for killing myself, being poor, older, so forth, the biggest one is loneliness…I mean from not having a significant other (I have friends/family).
I warned myself not to squander my opportunities for relationships but I did it anyways. Sometimes I was too shy to approach girls or ask them out and then when I was dating, I became arrogant, I also ended up dumping them too easily. Anyways, I’m a screw-up in many ways. I’m going to try to improve my life over the next couple of years, give it one last ‘hurray’ before I die and if I’m in much the same place I’m in now, then I think I’ll sadly bring my life to a close.
I feel it’s almost inevitable for me and I don’t really look forward to that idea but I don’t think I have any other choice….I’m also sick of the daily grind of life. All my petty problems-I’d like them to just all go away. For that I’m grateful we’re not immortal beings.
*hurrah
You sound pretty intelligent and full of wisdom.. Thank you for your words. I just am not sure what to say.. I feel like right after things start going “okay” they turn around and go 180x worse… I really don’t feel like typing a lot because I don’t feel like doing much of anything.. I just wish listing the “reasonings” behind this question was quicker.. I guess some short ones would be that I can not for the life of me turn my fucking mind off overload and another being all the night terrors and flashbacks of bull shit from my younger years… I feel like I’m a bad disease and that every time I let someone get to know me somehow it all goes to hell and gets fucked up.. I’ve let a lot of ppl down.. I constantly feel guilty ashamed and embarrassed about my self harm and scars from self harm even though I know no one in public knows about them.. I have no energy for anything anymore. I don’t work I don’t drive I don’t go anywhere.. Maybe if I lay here long enough I can just slowly waste away like my soul is… And I hope to feel every ounce of pain. It’ll be like karma for every hurtful or disappointing thing I’ve done to anyone who’s crossed paths with me in this life of hell
Thanks DR….ya that’s one thing I could be grateful for, my intelligence, at least I am able to figure out my life a little better and try to change it if I can. You’re welcome also.
I’m sorry for the night terrors your experience…I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve had to suffer through. I’m assuming you were abused by people in your life. I realize words won’t help you stop the self-harm, its something that’ll have to come from within you to change.
I have a very high view of women (that I like), it’s partly why I’ve been shy-due to my reverence for them. So it bothers me even more to know that they’ve been harmed by others (men usually) when they were young. Many scumbags get away with it and they shouldn’t…they should be in jail and have their genitals cutoff so they’re never able to pass on their degenerate genes.
But of course the damage has already been done. No you don’t deserve any more pain-you’ve suffered enough already. And if you caused pain to others, it was because of what was done to you. What you should do is ask forgiveness from those you’ve harmed, they will forgive you and care for you even more. You sound like a pretty intelligent and decent person as well.
I think the best thing to do is to try get healing and closure, by seeing a reliable therapist.
In my case there’s very little hurt I’ve caused to others but I’ve been hurt by others. I’ve been made to feel worthless/unworthy of love by my father (I was never physically abused-thankfully, but it was more mental suffering). If you can’t love yourself, then others won’t love you either and they lose interest and leave you. Anyways, it’s just one other reason among a million others I don’t want to live….but I’m trying to change things over the next few years and see if things get better. If not, then I’m going to end it.
I guess we have something in common then because what I mean by “hurt” people is because I have a tendency to “push people away and give them a chance” as I’ve heard.. I guess in someway it’s almost like a form of protection?.. I’m not really sure.
But disappointment wise I just feel like I disgust people. Even though I know no one knows about the self harm I’ve done / do for some odd reason when I am in public these days I always feel like people are looking at me in disgust. I get so nervous my palms get all sweaty my heart races my stomach turns I feel like I can’t breathe.. It all sounds a little “over the top” but I guess that’s just me and another one of my faults. About you mentally suffering because of your father I’m sorry I know that path too while I’m sure there’s some sort of love my father has for me he ultimately chose drugs over me.. I do forgive him even though I know he still does it to this day because I know how It feels to have no one at all and feel like you’re forgotten about so I have a tendency to forgive others too fast and too easily when I know deep down I shouldn’t.. I am not quite sure how I can type so much because I honestly feel nothing inside. Something in me wants to cry but there’s just nothing left…
Oh and yes, there are a lot of sick people out there who get away with disgusting terrible things and I know one of them.. I wish nothing but horrible things for him and while I know that sounds hateful on my part I just want him to walk away someday with a little guilt.. He gets to walk free everyday when he should be locked up in a far away land with no light in his days.. Caged like the disgusting animal he is.. So while I lay here thinking of 10,000 thinks asking maybe of I approached that day differently or if I wore something different maybe things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did.. I live a life in constant fear from it because it controls me. The night terrors and memories control me… But he is free… I live with all these questions some may find stupid but they’re questions I have no answers to and I try do damn hard to search for answers and get nothing out of it but the fact that he won… He stole some of my pride and who I was that day and after all of it I lost the rest of myself through out the years… I’m sorry for going on and on I apologize