Following on from my first post – http://suicideproject.org/2015/01/i-hate-my-fucking-life/
I am now back in the states, basically homeless (living in a hotel atm). I have a lease that I am supposed to be signing next week, but keep thinking about exiting before then and sending all of my money to my mom, brother and soon to be ex-wife (just writing “ex-wife” causes me to break down). That option sounds more logical as I won’t be needing a lease very soon.
I’ve made my decision – It will be the hood. My main decision now, is whether to let my wife know. Obviously she will think it’s a game or cry for help or whatever, but the main reason I’m considering it is so that she can inform my brother, mother and friends as I’m too much of a chicken shit to let them know. Also, we are headed for imminent divorce. She is in another country so there isn’t really anything that she will be able to accomplish in trying to stop me (also, she is in another country now so it shouldn’t make a difference what I decide to do with my life as I will probably never see her again). But I do want to make sure my friends/family aren’t left wondering what has happened – as painful as it will be for them.
Another option I’ve been thinking of, is to let her know my plans, but not the time/location, etc. – I definitely do not want to be interrupted during this. So instead, I could find someone on this site who can reach out to her to inform her I am gone (I would give the intermediary the time/location, etc.), or just schedule an email to her with my name on this site.
I really just want to get opinions on handle to handle all of this as my decision has already been made.
Thanks.
9 comments
Well. It really won’t matter what you do before hand. They won’t care about all of that. They won’t be spared pain and agony of your death.
I’m sorry you are hurting so much you want to ultimately hurt you more than anything life can do. 🙁 I wish I could convince you not to hurt yourself. Not that you want that but I have to say how I wish you wouldn’t do it. For you.
Thanks for the kind words, but my mind is made up.
I know they won’t be spared of any pain, however I want to make sure everything is taken care of after I’m gone and know I can trust her for that. I want to be the one who explains things to her so maybe she will see it from my point of view, but want to go about it the right way/time as well.
With a lease coming up, maybe that’s an opportunity for good things to start happening? I was homeless for a few years and only got a place a few months ago. While it has its quirks, it’s certainly better than my time in hotels, my car, travel plazas, truck stops, etc. In my own place, it’s easier to look for work, tap resources, and have peace of mind. Maybe it’s a good idea to sign the lease and give yourself a chance. If nothing else, you tried.
If she is in another country, you’re quite free to do what you want/need to do in order to move forward. I hope you think about things and reconsider.
Starting over is not something I’m keen on anymore. I did that when I met the girl of my dreams. Things didn’t work out. Both had our parts in it, but doesn’t matter anymore. And while I agree that for most (even me however many years back), getting a new lease would be a great way to start over – I just don’t want to. I’ve just had too much happen in my life and this is the proverbial straw for me. I just can’t do it. I can’t brush and pick myself up one more time. It’s a different feeling this time. Like I just don’t care anymore. I’m just tired of this life, hard to describe, but other times I have thought about this, there was pain, suffering… Right now, I just want to leave.
At the risk of sounding arrogant, I’m a good looking guy with a great job and would have no problem meeting someone new. That’s just not what I want, I just do not want anyone else. In my eyes, I already met the perfect person for me (even though it didn’t work out; counter-intuitive I know). As you mentioned, I am free to do what I want/need to and this is what I have chosen.
I guess the word that best summarizes where I’m at in this life is – defeated.
I guess my question is: What’s the worst that can happen by signing a lease? It certainly couldn’t hurt. See what happens. If nothing changes, fair enough. But perhaps it’s worth a shot.
Please don’t misunderstand… I respect whatever you decide to do. I’m just providing insight from personal experience. I sincerely wish you the best.
I am very sorry the split with your wife has been so painful, but I truly believe that no one person is worth ending your life over. You stated yourself that you would have no trouble finding someone else; perhaps someone else WOULD be the right person for you. By choosing suicide, I feel you are robbing yourself of a happy life down the road, not to mention the heartache your death would cause your loved ones. Although you may feel that you do not want anyone else, the world is a big place and I believe there is somebody else for you who truly could be the perfect person. In any event, I wish you the best.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)
Hi stuck. I once read a book on the psychology of suicide. The book sucked because it was so blatantly anti-suicide it lost all objectivity, but one thing it said that I agree with is the notion that telling others beforehand makes no sense unless you secretly want to be helped.
Could that be the case here? No matter how faint or ridiculous, is there a part of you that is hoping your wife will take you seriously and say the right thing to help you? If that slim thought appeals to you, then hell give it a shot. It sounds like she is the only person on this planet who can help you, so why not give her the opportunity?
If she ignores you or treats you like crap, well then maybe that would be an indication that she was never the girl of your dreams. Then you can rethink the whole suicide thing, if you feel like it.
Often the girls of our dreams is not the girl of our life. I remember hearing that one on a movie long ago and it kinda got stuck.
I get what you are saying tho, you’ve gone through the whole starting over, giving it another shot, several times and you have your mind settled on this girl… but what if you could find a better one (more suited for you)? i mean, while you still have a good job and are young/good looking those opportunities are not that difficult to come by… and if you ask me your ex was never what you thought she was from reading the other part of your story… been there, it’s a hell standing back out of one of those (i’m still unable almost 2 years later, but i’m not healthy, handsome and don’t have a good job so that complicates it, lol).
I understand wanting to explain and not wanting to be stopped. Here’s a thought, write out your explanations, your last thoughts in individual letters. Pay someone to mail them all on a specific date. I considered doing this at one point. That was the best option I could come up with. Second hand info from an emotional ex is probably not all that helpful. Besides writing the letters can be therapeutic, you could even drop them in the box yourself on the way out.