I feel like I’m all alone, and unable to meaningfully relate to others. I go to work, quiet and shy. I just can’t make jokes and get along like everyone else. I drag myself through life with little to no motivation.
Its like I have this abundance of emotion I can’t get out. I’m only 21 years old but I feel like I’m wasting away. I can’t say I really wanna die, or kill myself. I just wish I were never born. Just fade out of everyone’s memories and life.
I hate to talk to people because I’m afraid of judgement, or not explaining myself right. Mostly I feel like why should anyone else care about how I feel? My burdens, my problem. Thing is I don’t even know what my problem is…. Or why I feel this way. So disconnected.
I guess I’m doing this just to see if anyone feels like I do… Just hopeless, lost, and alone.
5 comments
I feel exactly like you.
I feel like that a lot. Some days I am just asking what is the point in trying, so I don’t. The overwhelming emotions are the worst for me. I don’t know how to let them out and I can’t find a reason for my feelings to matter. I tell myself that they don’t and neither do I. And then it is just me feeling bad about other people who have to deal with me. I and not worth anyone else’s time or effort. They will just give up on me eventually anyway. Right? But actually a lot of people do care more than you think they do. They want to help. They want you to be a part of their happy memories. You are not a burden or useless. You are worth it. Fading out of people’s lives won’t make them forget you forever, they will only miss you and think they did something wrong. Being quiet and shy means that you know more about people. You observe more and can see things about others easily. Try looking for hope in other people. Use their jokes and happiness and tell yourself that you want what they have. You want to feel like you aren’t a burden. Like you are needed and definitely not alone. That is motivation to bring yourself out of your comfort zone. I hope you can find a way to let your emotions out and push through this difficult time. Just remember that the lost aren’t gone forever. They have to be found at some point. You will make it through. <3
I emphasize with you. Read restrictingheart’s post.
That’s how I feel. I’m dreading going back to work tomorrow. I’m a total outsider, despite working there 2 years – hardly anyone beyond my department remembers my name (probably because I rarely say more than a single sentence to anyone.) The other day, apparently someone responded to my name by saying ‘oh, that guy who looks like he’s always on drugs’. I wish I was on drugs, rather than just being sleep deprived and anxious the whole time.
Maybe look for people you feel you can relate to? There must be plenty of quiet, shy people out there, but they’re all too busy keeping their heads down to find each other.
Also, counselling could help if you think there are deeper issues behind it. Talking to someone non-judgemental in a safe space could give you a chance to work out why you feel like you do.
I dunno if this is your problem, but my whole life I have been censoring myself because I was scared of what would happen if I was not nice to people. So I became very good at being nice. And polite. It didn’t help me at all. Sure, a lot of people really liked me. The problem is, none of them knew me. So no matter how much they tried to be kind to me, none of it made an impression, because the person they were trying to be kind to did not exist. That person was an act designed to avoid confrontation and rejection.
So in public I am this pushover, who will never make a fuss. In private, I am this bitter person who wants to die and is so lonely and feels misunderstood. Who doesn’t give a fuck about all the people being kind to me, because it isn’t me they’re being kind to.
If I were to psychoanalyse myself I guess my parents had some bad rows when I was growing up, which left a mark on me. Maybe.
I have been being dishonest for so many years, because I didn’t want confrontation or conflict or disagreement. I stupidly thought that dishonesty oiled the wheels of relationships, so to speak.
Now I am trying to speak my mind. Sometimes I have little to say. So I just say that. It feels scary and I may hurt some people’s feelings in the process. I just hope that honesty will finally allow me to have real relationships.
P.S. My fear of conflict, of rejecting people, of saying ‘no’ has also ruined my romantic relationships, I think. I have stayed with people I didn’t love enough for way too long, causing undue suffering for them and myself.
Maybe this is not your problem, maybe it is.