Money. It’s truly evil. Or in some part evil. I’m sitting here thinking to myself that if I had money, just maybe I wouldn’t feel like my only escape is death. I’m trying not to give up but, shit, winter is just dragging my ass down. I can’t escape from this hell I’m lock away in because going outside entitles freezing my ass off… With no car, it’s extremely hard to get anywhere… You would never guess that a vehicle is almost the most important thing, next to a place to live. I’m pretty much poor… Boyfriend can’t get anywhere to work so his mom is trying to support us as best as possible. We are surviving off of welfare and WIC… It’s so depressing, you know? I think I’m more numb now then ever because I know I’m just letting my daughter down. Yes, she is only 4 months but she is growing fast and I feel like I’m missing out… I’m so stressed out about other things, I can’t see to allow myself to enjoy her.
I’ve been trying to exercise. Trying to eat a little healthier. Trying to make myself feel better. Nothing is working. It’s all to exhausting. I have yet to avert to any self-harm but I feel like I’m creeping closer to that point. Especially in the middle of the night, when I wake up and realize I’m still here, and nothing is working itself out. That’s when the numbness seeps in….
2 comments
As a mother you have a big responsibility to take care of someone. How would you feel if your mother just abandoned you for some reason. Wouldn’t you feel unwanted or unloved? You can suicide, but how would you be able to live with yourself in the afterlife? But If I were you, I’d either try to put the baby up for adoption or suck it up and force myself to live for her sake. I feel for you and your situation, though.
Well, thanks so much for your not so kind words. Please don’t tell me your writing to other people on this site with the mind set to encourage people to “Suck it up”, because that’s what you would do… If you’re so obligated to influence people to “Suck it up”, then do answer my question as to why your still on this site?
Secondly, I never contemplated suicide in this post. It was SELF-HARM. And about my daughter, you actually have no idea how I feel with her. Do you have children? Do you not understand the pain caused by feeling like your failing them? If you would actually read the post you would understand that I’m here trying to make myself feel better.. I don’t need you here telling me to “Suck it up”..