I’m very new to this site, I was searching for something a lot darker than this forum, and ended up finding this instead.
I relapsed the other night – hard – in every sense of the word. I began drinking again, I sliced my arms up, watching as the blood from my new wounds uncovered marks I made long ago; when I claimed I was done cutting and everything else the first time.
I hate this, I mean, I really loathe falling back into the same hole I promised I’d never find myself in again! But it’s whatever. I end up dead tomorrow, and nothing else would change. Sure, things around my family would be different, but even they would adjust! Such of that is human nature! The part that angers me the most is that instead of simply killing myself like I want to do, I’m here making a post on a website I found while looking for something else! I know why, too. I’m crying for help, If I wanted to actually kill myself, I’d have done so. Ugh!
I’m not looking for any answers, I’ve been through all of this before. No time in a psychiatric hospital is going to change me, I’ll always be the same suicidal girl I set out to be.
22 comments
I am sorry you are falling back into those habits. You were strong enough to break free once and I hope you can do so again. I am glad you are wanting help tonight instead of committing suicide. Want to talk about what brought you to this point?
My boyfriend did, which is ironic, because he was the reason I turned my life around in the first place.
Do you have any family support? A best friend? Anyone to turn to? You said no to a hospital but have you ever had any counselling or spoke to a dr?
I have spoken to Doctors; I even have an appointment on the 6th with one. I’ve told them how I’ve felt in wonderful detail, and they simply up my medications. One of them even suggested I find faith a higher power! (Sigh)
I do have support from my Grandmother, so I should be grateful for that at the very least. There are times where I slip, and the other night was -just- enough for me to relapse. I have physical issues, too. A disease that keeps me bedridden during the winter and summer while temperatures are typically very bad. My boyfriend wanted me to go out with him yesterday, despite the problems I mentioned. I felt like he was using me to feel better about himself, and not because he loved me. It triggered me so badly.
I guess it’s easy to stumble into a suicide forum if you are looking for dark stuff (specially if it had to do anything the cutting and relapsing). I know you said you aren’t looking for any answers and i don’t have decent ones either, but if there’s something i do know is that purposes rarely last for life if the circumstances affecting them don’t change as well. No matter the determination, if you are pushed hard enough you have the risk of falling down again. It’s fine to be angry, but it’s something that just happens, so i hope you aren’t too hard on yourself because of it.
I guess all one can do is adapt (if you want to), as everyone does in life, which kinda takes away the value of many important things…but like you said such is human nature. Same with the psychiatric hospital thing (which i was almost forced to visit a few days ago)… they can’t change people if they don’t want to change (and even then it’s pretty difficult). Not too long ago, after years of trying (and failing) i realized that i can’t change even if i really try, i can only adapt.
hey sista!! I’m fairly new here as well, and it seems every time I come on i see my thoughts written by someone else’s hand… cRaZy –
Obviously, no words of wisdom here. However, its good you recognize you’re not quite done yet, if you are seeing the doctor and coming here, like you said, you want help. So for now, just focus on that. If you think too far ahead or take too much on at once you’ll freak yourself out and resort to seeking comfort, aka, self medicate, in whichever form is your personal preference…
Good luck with your doctor, just keep in mind that they don’t know everything so if you’re up to it, do some research, learn about the meds you’re on and don’t be afraid to say NO if you don’t agree with what they want you to do. I did not do that, I was under age so my mom literally dropped me off at the hospital, signed all waivers and left me at the mercy of quacks- they had me on all sorts of research meds, studies… i was a human guinea pig – now i refuse to ingest anything that does not at least transport me to some far away land for a couple hours… not cool, i know but i think i did my penance- you know? Now I just wait –
Good luck!
and be proud of yourself for not giving up yet, this isn’t easy, so what if you stumble… who wouldn’t –
That sounds worse than what I’m going through now. Like you said, I easily have a choice in this. I feel a bit better today; like I can actually handle the things in my near future. I’m glad you can relate to me, having someone who can relate is like having a port in a really bad storm. Though I’m sure you already know that.
You have to do what you have to sometimes, I don’t blame you for wanting meds that take you from reality. I’m very curious as to what those medications are, though. Anyway, thanks for replying to me! I appreciate it very much!
who is lady atronach? a character from lore and literature?
An atronach is an elemental being from the Elder Scrolls series of games. Not sure if it is derived from elsewhere.
It’s a reference to the Flame Atronach specifically. =P
Best one…the frost and storm atronachs just aren’t as good in my opinion.
Now don’t start flinging fire at us… 😉
xD Okay, I won’t. =P
*Equips Glass Shield of Fire Abatement just in case Lady Atronach hasn’t taken her meds.
Luckily my Dark Elf blood grants me fire resistance as well. I should be safe. :p
Wait, what am I saying? I am on this site after all… I should make a potion of Weakness to Fire, but all I have are flowers and butterfly wings because I’m a badass warrior and all warriors college t that stuff…really.
*carry
*collect actually
I’m going to toast those buns of yours! XD
on the contrary plz start flinging fire our way. we enjoy a dysfunctional battle
Oh, okay! *Begins throwing a barrage of fireballs*
you throw like a peasant girl lady atronach. im disappointed… *dragonborn accent
*Firebreath Shout!*
Dragonborne used evade…it was super effective! *ladyatronach runs away in fear and defeat*
Oh man.. x)