I feel bad right now.. I keep doing bad things, but suddenly sometimes I get a moment of clear mind, I feel guilty from what I’ve done. But later on when my mind is hazy, I’ll start doing those bad things again.. The hell is wrong with my brain. I don’t want to do it yet here I am. I hate my own self. I hate my own indecisiveness. I gradually become worsen, am I not? I need to maintain my good side for the sake of my family and friends, while in an other side, I practically became darker and darker. T-T how should I put this. I don’t know any longer of my own self.
Sorry for ranting.. I just need to write this, even though I don’t like what I’ve wrote.
3 comments
You need to see your GP. Without giving much detail, you could be bipolar, but regardless of illness, you should talk with a professional.
During mania, its not uncommon for someone with bipolar to engage in risky behaviour, spend all your money without concern for bills or rent, gamble, drink, do drugs, cheat on your partner, get into fights, get arrested. For years I wasn’t diagnosed and I would do all this and more. I was so happy, confident, energetic, I could take on the world. I would start numerous tasks and finish none. I was motivated and so sure of my life. Then a day, a week or a few weeks later I would crash hard. I hated myself, my life, I wanted death. I planned that if I didn’t feel better within a certain time period then I would end my life. I had anxiety, I was nervous, I couldn’t leave the house.
I’m medicated, but I’m not 100%. This is a lifetime illness. I’ll never be cured, but I can be stabalised enough that I can carry out a semi normal life. I can hold a job and keep friends.
Definitely get to your Dr when you can. It will do you a world of good.
Hi, Mick9999 thank you for responding. It means a lot.
btw.. I’m not intended to see any doctor ( I hate doctors ).. I still believe I could get a grip of myself, maybe. It just happened that sometimes I disappoints my own self.
You can relate so easily!!! That’s what I’ve been done. The peak and the valley of joy and despair is so intense. Sometimes even in my happiest state, if my brain goes stupid, it recalls an empty eyes of mine.
What I hate the most now is that.. I starts to speak sentences with different meanings. (example.. I like this person, but I don’t want him to go near me because I’m afraid I’d hurt him. instead of saying that I like him, I shoo him away). Since I hate my own self, I began to built a defense mechanism to other people so they won’t reach the real me. They only see the good things of me… They attracted to it, and I became afraid, and again I’ll step back and make some distance. And in the end I am the one who regret it. *sigh*
Sometimes it’s scary to have people that get closer and becomes too attached to me. I don’t feel comfortable with them. But sometimes I just lonely and want their presence. aaahhhhhh don’t mind me bubbling all this shit.
I’ll see you around.
No worries, glad I can show you you’re not alone.
Sounds like bipolar. I hate hurting people, but it happens. I get all angry and frustrated and start an argument over the smallest things or I build up this delusion in my head that they are cheating on me and I confront them. There’s more but I don’t want to scare you from connecting with people.
I made a decision to be alone for a while and tried to get my head right and figure out who I was again. I did really well. I had a routine of work and exercise and was feeling and looking pretty good.
I hated being alone sometimes and would text a mate, I would never call or go out to meet anyone. I wanted to stop the ongoing battle inside my head and stop abusing people. It was the best thing for me. I learnt who my real friends were and after I started treatment I was getting better and more confident and a lot more stable.
I always felt that I was beyond help and no one could stop or help what my head was putting me through. I still have thoughts of delusion, I still cycled from low to high, but the extremes are gone and the psychosis is gone too. I don’t hear or see things anymore. I’m trying to keep my posts short but sometimes a lot needs to be said. I’m not sure if you can message privately on here, but send an email if you need a chat or support.
I wish you would see your Dr. I’m coming to terms that suicidal thoughts and manic highs are no longer a part of my life. Its scary but its also refreshing to know that I was unwell when I acted the way I did before treatment.
All I can do is ask that you go. I hope that you really consider it. You sound quite young, I lived like this for many years and wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Look after yourself.