I think I should start by noting that I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depression (and psychotic depression) as well as multiple forms of anxiety that include social and general. Yea, my mind is a terrible place. I’ve been to a lot of therapists and taken almost every prescription drug for my disorders and nothing helps and I’m too tired to fight it anymore. I’ve even been experiencing episodes of psychotic depression which is honestly terrifying because I know it’ll get progressively worse. I’ve been hospitalized inpatient 3 times and 1 outpatient stay. As I’ve gotten older my disorders worsen. I attempted suicide for the first time when I was 14 years old, and haven’t attempted again since due to a tiny shred of hope that disappeared and won’t come back. And so, I have devised my suicide date despite conflict on how I will go about it. I want to go peacefully. I’m not strong enough to handle the pain anymore, it’s just too much. I’m self harming every day now because I’m either trying to avoid the pain or feel it. The only relief I’ve had recently was complete disassociation from myself, it was like I didn’t feel anything at all and I was just watching the world around me but I wasn’t a part of it, just an observer. My thoughts are very scrambled so I apologize if I’m all over the place with this post.
It just really sucks you know? When life just isn’t worth it anymore and there is no reason good enough to be alive. But I’d be lying if I said I’m not afraid of life after death, I have my own beliefs of what happens but I always have doubts. But I know that whatever happens, anything would be better than this life. I have no friends, no close family, no motivations, no passions because it all just seems so fucking pointless. My life doesn’t matter. Anyways, I know that I’m not completely alone, that there are others that feel the way I do but no one that I know personally, so it brings me comfort to know that I’m not alone on my thoughts of death and just not wanting to deal with the pain anymore. It’s just pointless and I have no place in this world. I want to be free. The world hates me and I hate myself.
5 comments
The world doesn’t know you.
You’re never too far gone. I’ve been where you are. Helpless, hopeless, lonely, pointless. No one could show me anything new or anything to live for or work towards. I can’t tell you how I survived or got through. We all need to have our own journey and follow our own path to truly be content with life and appreciate what little we do have.
I’ve lived in my car, was kicked out of home, had some difficult periods, but we all do and how we get through is marked on our character. We can hide and suffer or battle through and become stronger in how we cope with what life throws at us. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom or lose it all to really appreciate what we have. I’ve made and lost friends, made huge mistakes, lost a lot, gave up opportunities. It may seem trivial, but I spent years battling an addiction, then battling mental illness. My life was a shambles until I sought treatment and was diagnosed. I was forced into treatment after a suicide attempt, but I found treatment anyway.
Just googled psychotic depression. Yeah its fucked, but there’s hope out there. I’m bipolar and drug induced psychosis, I know what its like to hear voices and see shit that’s not there. I also experience severe paranoid delusions and crippling anxiety and panic attacks.
You need to get to your Dr and get anti psychotic meds as well as antidepressants. I’m on seroquel, mirtazapine and diazepam and the combination is working well. I still have episodes but nothing like before. Try the Dr first, take the meds for a few months. If it doesn’t help just a little, then look back at your initial plan.
Good luck. All the best.
I … I feel like I just somehow read my own words.
I’m sorry you feel the same way I do. All these disorders are prisons.
I replied a while ago, but its waiting moderation.
The world doesn’t know you and by giving up on life, the world never will know you or your potential. You’re scared of what lies beyond death, I used to be, but I don’t think like that anymore because I don’t need to know what awaits until my time is up and not at my hands.
I’m using drugs too often lately, because I am worrying about things that are yet to be reality or I have no control over. I’m disappointed in myself for relapsing and reverting to old habits. I’m not the only one with a mental illness that self medicates.
You had a tiny shred of hope, that’s all you need to keep going. Find a way to get it back.
I hope you don’t freak out, but I’m gonna ask a few personal questions just to get an idea of where your heads at.
Do you mind telling me your age? Do you work or study? Do you live alone?
Hope to chat soon.
Nobody wants to know me, I don’t even know me anymore. It’s like I’m invisible and I’d rather just disappear completely than continue to try and find hope because I just can’t. Nothing works.