Like most people here I have reached the end of my rope. My world is crashing around me and I cant hold on anymore. In the past year I have lost everything about myself. I look in the mirror and I don’t even know who the person staring back is. I have gotten so good at pretending that everything is ok and that I don’t cry when I am alone. The thoughts of suicide that use to be few and far in between have now taken a permanent residence in my head.
I saw the signs and yet I ignored them. There is no one to blame but myself and that only keeps justifying my thoughts of ending it all. If I hold on and just run away I am just running away from the fact that I was stupid enough to think that everything I plan can work out.
I chose to give up my family, my dignity, my self respect, my culture and everything that makes up me, all on the hope that the feelings were mutual. (Though I know now that it was all pretend) Now I sit here wanting to die and realizing that I don’t have anything. In less than a year I have lost everything.
Which should make my decision easier? So why cant I face the music, and see that the hope of hurting someone or anybody with my death is just a delusion in my head.
I have wasted my life and taken up valuable oxygen and resources that could have been used on someone worthier than me.
1 comment
Yeah I hear ya. Sometimes logic is hard to digest or confront when dealing with such terribly painful issues and situations outside our comfort zone. You know, the whole ‘finality” thing is just hard to digest logic with that In mind. I personally don’t believe death is final, but I’d be a liar if I said its not a possibility at least. But hey we all die eventually anyway, so we’ll find out inevitably like it or not :o.
You made me laugh a little on the last line, I always say to myself that I am not worthy of the resources on this planet also. Great minds think alike.