Not sure..

Every Tuesday I sit in a therapy office and get told that as long as I take my medicine and think of all the positives I will be, “okay.” Dr. Herr looked at me one day and asked me something I’ve never really thought about before and it completely shattered me..”when were you last happy, when have you felt ‘normal’?”…The last time I woke up and wasn’t terrified to get out of bed and wasn’t so nervous about life tumbling down around me that I had a panic attack, was when I was locked up in a Psych ward. I tried to drown myself in my bath tub. I swallowed a lot of water and started fading in and out but my natural instincts kicked in much to my dismay and made me puke water every where. Of course this earned me a wonderful stay in the hospital. I wasn’t scared of dying, I was scared of living in this world where things seemed to continually crash down around me no matter what I tried to do to make things better. I liked being there, because the minute I was locked in that room I knew nothing could get to me and that the only things that could be in my space, in my little world were the things I wanted to allow in. I cried when I had to leave, because it was the only place I have ever felt safe and secure. I was thrown back to the ravenous wolf that we call “life.” I know one day I won’t be here, and that thought makes each breath hurt a little bit less…maybe I can find a new world…I think then I would feel normal…