Just now getting the chance to read your comments and they were very very beneficial to my circumstances, I feel that I need to do it for some reason. I guess to prove a point that just resulted in me throwing up in two of my classes. This website has been a safety net for me since I first found it, even though I just started posting on it. Ive been up here for a while, just lurking in the shadows but it feels like I actuallly have a voice and people take the time to listen to what I have to say. Even though the odds of us all meeting are very much slim, I consider you my family. You take the time to reach out to each other and to try understanding what the person next to you is going through. If only people in the real world were actually like this instead of just through an computer screen or phone screen. I love you all.
- I actually want to leave my entire life story here, so for the ones who care:
The first of February, 2001, i was born. People were happy. People said they loved me and how adorable i was.
I actually was a happy kid and it seemed to go all good ways with my life. Untill..
…We moved to another city. I have a very dry skin and i talked a little different from the kids there. Nobody wanted to come near me; they thought my skin condition could kill them or so. I know it sounds pathetic, but as a 7 year old, and a new one, its pretty damn fucked to see nobody dares to touch you.
So eventually people noticed they could touch me, which was nice, but they still didn’t really seem to like me. But oh well i had some people to talk to. Untill one girl started joking about my skin again. Since my skin was so dry, i left skinflakes and scratched alot. So she scratched her arms, making a scratching sound and sang: Let it snow! Ghh ghh! LET IT SNOWW!
That kept going for a while. But then, all of a sudden.. Older kids started picking on me too.. They would chase me and scream: SLUT! SLUT! SLUT! All together and nobody seemed to care about me, not even the teachers.
When I went to middle school, i felt like i could start all over again.. So i did. I tried my best to be liked. And i guess i kinda was.. So i felt safe to become me a little more again.. Which i shouldnt have done! They started hating me again. I got bullied again. And the fact that i am bisexual, doesnt really help. It went on for two more years, and then i had to change schools ( this is something in our school system)
Once i started at that other school, i decided to start all over again, but stay how they wanted me this time. I was pretty happy at this point: i had my two best friends with me too. Until…
…one of them started to reveal who she really was.. This is a complicated thing.. So let me say it short and as clear as possible: she is a kinda girl who needs 100% of your attention. Like she is a queen or so. And then i got a boyfriend.. The guy ive liked for almost 2 years! I was so happy! Untill she started ruining it.. She wanted me to hang out with her everythime she felt like it. She couldnt stand me being friends with other people too, so she turned in into an evil *****. ( i dont call people names that fast, but she has done so much to me) she randomly started to punch me as i walked by.. She wrote my name and phone number everywhere throughout school.. “Text this whore” “This slut fucks for free” “she’ll send nudes because she is soooo desperate for attention”. I decided to ignore her. I’m not really hurt by what she does. I’m just so incredibely angry at her. So she is a *****. I know. But there was a second best friend.. I really trusted her. I really felt safe with her.. But i found out that today.. She stooped as low as ***** #1… That did hurt.. Now i have nobody anymore. Except one girl and my boyfriend.
This was kinda it.. All i wanted to say. Thanks for reading it..
It seems like for so many people, relationships or family is what keeps them alive or gives their life meaning. I’m kind of the opposite, though. In my adult life I’ve never gotten much benefit from close relationships. Eventually I tend to feel trapped, or burdened by their expectations. And because I’m so hypersensitive, the inevitable squabbles and conflicts can be excruciating for me. So I get very little of the good and all of the bad.
At the same time, I’m not immune to loneliness, as much as I wish I could just go live in an abandoned cave for the rest of my life. So it’s always going to be an exhausting balancing act between making friends and keeping everyone at a safe emotional distance. And then wondering what the point of it all is.
I see my therapist on Friday, and I haven’t done anything I was supposed to do over the last few weeks before our appointment. It was all anxiety-related stuff, and I haven’t even given it a second thought. I’ve been too preoccupied with the building anxiety over the voices and Bree instead.
I think it’s safe to say the weird mood I’ve been in for over a month has completely and utterly dropped. I can’t even remember what it was, but something made me snap the other day and I’ve felt awful since. Or maybe I’ve just slipped into the depression-side of this hyperactive episode – I did that last week. I was fine all day, and that night and for the next two days I went to overdose multiple times before falling right back into the ridiculous mood again. I don’t know.
In the last couple days I’ve been hanging on by a thread, though. I’m terrified of the Angels doing anything else to my family because I won’t listen, so I’m constantly on edge waiting for something to happen because of how ignorant I’ve been over the past week.
My mum knows about why I relapsed now, and no doubt she’ll bring it up to my therapist and psychiatrist because I won’t stop thinking this way. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone at all. Great. This is going to end well.
I just started a new job and I feel like i’m struggling to get on my feet. I’m struggling to find a new therapist and psychiatrist that accepts my new insurance. I’m struggling to just breathe. I just broke up with someone and while it doesn’t feel like the end of the world it still feels awful. I’m feeling all sorts of ways. I feel sad that I feel useless. I feel upset and frustrated that I can’t end violence against trans people or against people of color. I know it’s not all my fault but I’ll stay sad till we’re all safe.
From what was essentially a pretty good week, not including a slight double up of meds, things have really taken a downhill slide today. Woke up thinking about feeling very dark and very quickly progressed into fantasizing about the big leap. Had to catch a train to get dosed at my clinic and was picturing myself kissing the train. Now im home and its still there. Worse than ever. I know it has alot to do with been alone today but I dont want to be near anyone. That would just remind me of my difference to everyone around me. So im blurting this out in the only place I feel safe enough to say it in the hope that it goes away.
Hope everyone is safe.
I still can’t believe what I am doing. Looking for help in the Internet? In the past I’d probably just laugh at such a stupid idea. Instead, I’m here telling you how hopeless my life has become and how hard I’d just like to have a forever rest from everything. I wish I could not live. Who asked me if I wanted to live? I was just born. That’s not fair. Well, anyway, I just want to say hi to everyone. I’ve read many of your posts as I’ve been considering this step for a long time and finally I’m here. I’m impressed by your strength, the ability to go on. I know how hard it is sometimes.
PS. Is this site really completely free (that means I do not have to pay for anything: posting sth or I don’t even know what), safe and anonymous? Sorry for bothering you, that’s probably a stupid question.
Had such a terrible day today. I’m really upset right now. So what do I do, proceed to get trashed. I don’t want to feel anything right now. The day started out just fine and my mood was pretty level as well. Work then kicks my ass and I have to remain calm and collected at work considering I care for people and all. I get on a group I don’t know but that’s really no big deal or so I think. A few hours in anxiety kicks in. My routine is off, I feel as if I have no clue what I’m doing. Then I hear one of my favorite residents is dying. We knew it was coming but I don’t think anyone suspected it would be this soon. She was ok three days ago. I make time to go say my goodbyes, she lies lifeless breathing fast and hard and as I say hello to her, she starts to calm. I tell her I’m with her and hold her hand, she’s not talking anymore but when I speak to her she opens her eyes. Apparently she had barely opened them in two days. I tell her she is safe and that we all love her. I tell her family (who I really didn’t know, because they never visited often) that she is such a sweet lady. They say she always had been. I squeeze her shoulder a little bit. I was about to lose it. I hear someone’s alarm going off and knew it was my chance to get out before I start crying. I hate crying, especially in front of other people and more importantly, especially in front of people I don’t even know. Maybe 15 minutes later a coworker calls to tell me she was gone. I am so sad. Her and I had a special bond. I always sang to her and she lit up. I haven’t really let it sink in yet. But I’m home and I’m gonna get nice and drunk now.
I swear my head feels like the fucking bomb in Enola Gay…
I got buried in over my head in appointments, deadlines and the likes during these last few weeks.
Coupled with that never-ending nostalgia feeling, it gives me sudden sharp pains in my temples.
I was literally one step away from having a complete mental breakdown today. I woke up, and as soon as I noticed the dawning sun on the early morning sky, I started crying… Instantly. I bashed my head against the bed several times until I spent the only bit of energy I had at the moment and just stayed like that for a good 20 minutes, unable to cry anymore, but just clenching my teeth and breathing heavily and rapidly in extreme frustration and dread of the day ahead.
I don’t know how much more I can hide this… I’ve been having a lot of strange thoughts come and go, mostly at night when it’s quiet… Suicidal thoughts amplified to extreme brutality. As in, I literally get thoughts about stabbing myself in the ears with a shard of glass, or bludgeoning my legs with a sledgehammer until I bleed out… Sometimes, thoughts come to my mind that are of a violent nature… For instance, if I see a person on the street and I happen to look at them for more than a couple of seconds, I simply get a thought that’s something among the lines of ”I hope you burn alive” or ”May a rock fall over your head and cave your skull in.”. I don’t think about killing them, thank fuck I don’t have homicidal thoughts, but still, this is bad enough that I have thoughts that wish death to people I don’t even fucking know… I feel horrible afterwards, and there was even this one time it got so bad that I started whispering to myself in the bus station ”No! No! No! No!” and the nearby people noticed…
I don’t know what the fuck is happening exactly, but to me it seems like depression and stress have already stolen a good portion of my sanity from me… Not sure how much longer I can keep my mind in the safe zone before I start rolling on the pavement in the town square and get locked up in some white room…
Fuck I hope I can get through these last 2 1/2 months…
I was just reading “I Was Here” and they talked about this website. It introduced me to it and honestly: I’m glad.
Safe place to talk? YES PLEASE!
Safe place to talk WITHOUT JUDGEMNT? I wish I found a place like that before now.
Ive read some posts you all have made and I know I belong here, which is sad. It makes me sad that we’re sad. Why is happiness so hard to find? Can’t it be as easy as it used to be? What happened to the world that suicide rates and depression/anxiety rates have increased dramatically? But a slightly more important question I personally should be asking,…what happened to me?
When I’m faced with an uncomfortable challenge in life, I’m always afraid I might fail and I’m usually even more afraid that I might succeed. The only safe option is to not try, so that’s what I often do. That’s why being depressed makes me feel safe, because I know I’m not going to talk myself into taking any risks. And it’s not like I have any life goals or (realistic) dreams that might inspire me to overcome those fears. When I dig holes for myself, I tend to want to stay there.
I fear failure because, well, disappointment and rejection suck. I fear success because when I succeed, people (including myself) tend to raise their expectations and/or give me more responsibilities. That means that when I inevitably have a depressive episode it’s more overwhelming and harder to deal with. I start to see myself as a fraud, or a ticking time bomb, and figure it’s only a matter of time before my emotional instability or lack of some critical skill is exposed in front of everyone.
Wow the last time I posted on here I was 14! I’m now 18 and I can’t really say that things are better. Well since 14 I’ve attempted suicide 2 and cut myself on numerous occasions.
Heres my story I’ve been with my current partner for 14 months and it hasn’t been the greatest at all. He severely bashes me and makes me feel like nothing. He never trusts me and always calls me names I don’t feel loved or safe. I live with him at his parents place with his brother and sister also and they never seem to do anything when they hear me scream. I feel so alone and so trapped, I’ve tried leaving on many occasions but when I try he just beats me more and more and locks me up in our room. I don’t know what to do anymore all I ever think about it killing myself and ending this once and for all. He blames me everytime he hurts me saying that it’s my fault, I’m actually starting to believe it is.
I I just need someone to talk to I’m in it on my own.
I feel so lost inside myself. Everything hurts. My emotions hurt. They’re so intense to the point where it’s hurting me to feel anything. I can’t breathe. I hate it. I’m not in control of myself properly anymore. I have to listen to the voices now. I haven’t been to college all week because they said it’s not safe. I left the house for the first time in days today because it hasn’t been safe. I’m so afraid of everything all of the time. And I hate it. I hate living like this. I hate myself. I can’t cope with it all anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore. No one can help me, and everyone is against me. Im trying for nothing, and I give up. I’m just done.
Make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel something other than this dread right now before I start to tear myself apart from the inside out. I’m begging please on my knees. I’m not in a safe place with my head. That part of me is starting to cover me like a cloak. Soon there will be nothing left again. I’m not ok. I keep on spiraling. All these memories of happiness flooded my brain and all at once turned depressive and negative. I’m eating myself alive.
Dad yells at the girl “get in here *****” and the brown haired girl walks in and looks at her father. “Why are you such a fuck up, why are you still here and why the hell are you not making money?” the brown haired girl is hurt. Does he not see everything she does? She has a job that pays for food and clothes for the blue eyed boy and she keeps him safe and she goes to school and makes straight A’s despite having no time for anything. Shes here only because she has to help her brother. But she looks him in the eyes and says ” i don’t even know why i try, i don’t even know why im here.” and that earns her a slap in the face.
I hope everybody has safe and good night. And I hope to see you here towmorrow. 🙂
And Im happy to meet everyone on here .
I have never claimed I have OCD. That’s because I know how severe it gets for people. But some things I do are based off fear so bad that they prevent me from doing anything or making decisions–
On Friday I was sent to the E.R. for suicidal thoughts that were persistent. The night before I spent hours trying to find and decide what socks I should wear. I spent an hour (not exaggerating) telling myself that I shouldn’t wear the only pair of socks I found– grey socks.
I just felt it was wrong and would cause problems. I was so anxious during the night about the socks. And what happens? Chaos.
(Urgh my mother is yelling at me now:”You better lie to the counselors and the people and say you have no problems!!!!!!!!!” )
Her voice makes me want to stab my ear.
—Not the point:point is, I won’t go to bed tonight unless I know whether I should wear orange or blue pajamas. I made sure they come from the same company. They are just in different colors. Orange will represent innocence because I’ve hardly worn those pajamas during tough nights so it hasn’t experienced much. Blue ones are fierce and they’ll keep me strong tonight.
My fear for my pajamas is preventing me from sleeping. I need sleep and I can’t.
Not until my decision is made on pajamas.
I don’t expect to make the same mistake like the socks did.
No: this ISN’T a fashion statement.
Its insane and I know it. But in my mind I cannot go to bed without knowing one of them will keep me safe. Its insane.
This will probably turn into a rant or something, oh well.
I’m terrified of everything. The voices won’t leave me alone. They want me to do things, and I know I’m going to end up doing them. They want me to jump from a bridge, or a building, now. They say bad things will happen if I don’t. I don’t want to hear them anymore. They scare me.
I still haven’t saw my doctor, there weren’t any appointments last week. I don’t know when I next see my therapist, and I see my psychiatrist on the 12th (the Angels haven’t been saying she’s much of a threat lately. I think she’s stopping the Other’s brainwashing). I was going to see her earlier because she could’ve booked me in, however, the time might have been inconvenient for my mum. So, on my Mum’s orders, I agreed to wait another month. I haven’t saw her since January. I don’t know how I’m going to cope until I next see someone.
The suicidal thoughts are near constant now, and I’m seriously starting to consider it. I can’t cope with it all anymore. I’m losing even more sleep now. My moods are fluctuating terribly, and they’re so intense. All these voices and figures are driving me mad. I hate it all.
I don’t feel safe anywhere, I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t feel safe when I’m left on my own. The voices keep telling me to hurt myself, and I am. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Did anyone else ever have that (day-)dream by being adopted in an animal family?
I had that strange dream….running away from all of the human pain..finally a group of wolves adopted me. I could hear their thoughts in my mind, and vice versa. Wild animals took care of me. I was allowed to be part of the wolf pack…I was allowed to lean on to those amazing animals during the night, in a cave…safe and warm…and the animals (not just wolves) protected me from men, whenever they tried to get me. I felt warm. I felt safe. Like a little child, growing up again, but feeling the warmth of intelligent animals behaving more social than humans ever can.
Strange dream, ey? Crazy? Psycho? Mad?
Or just…longing for warmth and a family..?
Hugs to all you lonely souls out there ! <3
I’ve been here for a few years now, but on and off. My life’s been a rollercoaster really and I’ve been through all sorts of good and bad things. Eventually I would hit a low point, where I really would feel like there’s nothing left for me. The triggers would be different every time. Things always change and that’s so stressful.
But throughout the years, every time I’ve returned here to share my feelings or read others’ stories; this site has always been here. And it looks the same now as it did on my very first day. And there’s something special to me about that. That font, the black background; it all comes from my memories of being in this horrific dark hopeless place of despair. But if I had ever let that swarm of depression truly consume me, I wouldn’t be here right now to tell the tale.
So although I hate to state the obvious, that I’m only here because once again I’m at my limits and really want to die, I also have this restored sense of hope that maybe I will still be around long enough to leave again and come back a few more times to get to meet more people and just ponder over things I need to think about/sort out in my head.
Thank you for listening. I hope you are all safe tonight.