Well, I’m still here.
The last time I tried to do this it was so easy to get away and to be alone for hours, with no chance of anyone checking on me.
Woke up this morning, I didn’t eat because I didn’t want to. Nothing tastes right anymore. Had a shower, the warmth of the water felt nice. I forgot myself in the heat. I’d wait until she left, get the belt and go. Only she wanted me to go with her to visit relatives. After a shouting match she apologized to me and left.
Excellent, I’d been set back by half an hour, but that was okay, it was still do-able. So I wasted no time, I put the music on, got into that kneeling position, put the belt around my neck and leaned forward. It was the most irritating sensation. I won’t lie, it hurt. It felt like my eyes were going to pop out and my nose got really itchy like I wanted to sneeze. I began counting the seconds in my head slowly. Got to about 5, nearly 6, when I heard someone at the front door. My arms were starting to get heavy, so I thought I’d ignore it, only it was my dad calling my name. For some reason he’s taken the next 4 day off of work because he’s been too stressed recently. I forced myself back up and pulled the belt undone. My arms and legs felt tingly, like pins and needles and I’d burst blood vessels in both of my eyes.
I could have risked it and let myself black out, but no doubt if I didn’t answer him, he’d come upstairs to check on me and chat. Then he would’ve pulled me down, and it’d be another month in the funny farm for me.
It’s not his fault he’s such a good father.
Anyway, today just wasn’t my day. Maybe I’ll do it tonight when everyone’s asleep. Or maybe I’ll wait until they’re all back in work and I’m in the clear.
3 comments
So… someone was interested in you just the other day and now your dad interrupted you. Sounds like something is trying to tell you to give it a bit more time before ending it? (sorry, that was the first thing i could think of when reading this). Other than that i feel for you about the belt thing, i remember it felt awful when i tried and i had a headache for something like 2 days (and extra neck pain for a week, i always have neck pain). Be careful tho, you don’t want to have a short period of time while trying hanging… if you are found in time you might end up with brain damage… so be careful about it.
Call it a destiny, but when I tried to kill my self someone just kept on interrupting my perfect plan and even when u forcefully tried to do it, it only backfired even more horribly.
Also, why would you go, leave your parents love and backstab your father with his dreams of you?
Look, I know my parents love me, they are wonderful people, and they don’t deserve to be hurt in any way possible.
But ever since I’ve been suicidal they have gotten worse. My mum has developed this awful anxiety and she’s borderline agoraphobic now, in that she refuses to leave the house unless it’s really necessary, and even then she’ll insist we come home within 5 minutes.
My dad won’t admit that he’s struggling but like I said above he’s taking random amounts of time off of his job, this is a man who loves his job, hadn’t missed a day of work since I was born, clearly it’s stressing him out to breaking point.
I know they worry about me, and I hate that I can’t do anything. They panic every time I leave the house. I can’t keep putting them through this torture day after day. They’re falling apart.
I know that when I die, it’s blow a hole in their world, but if I stay nothing will change. They’ll never let me leave the house, they’ll appoint themselves my 24 hour carers and lose everything they once loved, including my siblings who they’re pushing away in favour of me.
My mum sleeps so terribly because she stays up all night to keep checking I’m alive.