Hey, I’m pretty fed up right now.
I never talk about me, I suppose in that sense I’m a bit of a martyr, always trying to please others and sacrificing my own life in the running. Im pretty lonely if honest, I have 3 children, and a partner. But I’m not happy, I have no lust for life.
Ive always been cheeky and outgoing, and flirtatious but straight talking, I’ve never played games with people. I’ve always cared for everyone and I feel like I think differently from others.
It’s like I’m in an alternate world at times, were my views and values in life are completely different to others and I’m struggling to understand myself.
I don’t fit in, I’m not popular. I’m outcast in every social moment. And I don’t know why. I’m not a horrible person.
I cant can’t get into anything, I’ve no passion, ive horrible thoughts daily or jumping in front of a train, but I could never inflict that on my kids but it seems that’s what I want to. What the bloody hell is wrong with me.
I pick on myself all the time, and I’ve found myself now addicted to gambling online, as it gives me a sense of thrill that I obviously seem to be lacking in my life. But how am I going to explain 100’s out of the account, when he’s working hard to set up a new business and we are short on cash.. What kind of person does this?
knowing him he is NOT going to forgive this, so not only am I low in my life, I’ve sunk lower because I need a thrill. What is my life coming to? How do I fix me? i really need to find a way as Im finding everyday even more unbearable to look in a mirror, to smile even when I’m in a world that I just feel like I don’t belong to.
im lost really.
2 comments
There should be a club, The Lost. I don’t know too many who aren’t lost in some way. But that doesn’t help knowing others feel the same. I don’t know what to do either. Hold on …. just hold on
Maybe he will forget. I think it’s understandable if you are the way you describe yourself, to feel a bit trapped or “bored” in your life (as you describe it). The fact that you say yourself you need some thrill confirms it. I’d look into doing something to fill that void, a hobby might help, or even helping your partner with his business.
Not that it matters but i had to mention it, i met someone that described herself the same way that you do (years ago). She did the same thing too: put herself before others and had a pretty different set of morals than most people, didn’t fit, said she was lost, worried about everyone, etc. In her case? she got to a point were she exploded and turned into the complete exact opposite regarding morals (not a good thing). So yeah… keeping your feelings bottled up can do no good.