If I were to describe myself in one word it would be just that: weak. I hate myself so much I can’t stand to look in the mirror everyday. I hate myself for allowing all of these awful things to happen to me. If I would have just listened to my gut instinct and walked away from a lot of situations (including meeting you), I wouldn’t be in this position right now. I hate you and more importantly, I hate myself for not staying away from you. You have completely wrecked every part of my life and I know that it gives you an immense sense of satisfaction and I couldn’t resent that more. I wish I could get away from it; unfortunately, I can’t. I can’t undo all of the damage that’s been done. I will never be alright again and the only answer is to die.
You took away the one thing that meant the world to me and more importantly, you destroyed the last shred of self dignity or confidence that I had left. I wish that I believed in Karma but I don’t. I don’t have faith in anything anymore. You may not have been the start of all of this but you certainly are the end of it. I suppose I just can’t deal with the fact that I will never be able to forgive myself for not making better choices. If I weren’t so fucking weak and pathetic and desperate, I would have never allowed you to come into my life. You are nothing more than a poison and a curse.
I may be able to let go of hating you for all of the despicable things you did and said to me but I will never forgive myself for allowing it to go on for so long. I can’t look at myself knowing that I didn’t have the strength or integrity to stand up for myself. You aren’t worth the immense amount of rage I feel toward myself on a daily basis. I can separate myself from you but I can’t get away from myself. I have to look at my ugly and repulsive reflection everyday and deal with the fact that I could have prevented all of this. You are nothing but a lying, cheating and abusive asshole; I only wish that I would have been stronger and smarter than to have ever fallen for your lies.
This has been a fifteen year decision in the making and I’m sure it gives you a tremendous sense of pride to know that the “all-important-you” are the straw that finally broke the camel’s back.
Congratulations. I guess I’ll see you in Hell.
4 comments
i subscribe to the ideology that only the strongest among us can admit that they are weak, or have weaknesses…. those that are truly weak could never fully admit this, not to others, not even to themselves….purely BECAUSE they’re weak, or a coward….in most instances both…..i believe it takes strength to confess our weakness, even just to one other person, and here you are, proclaiming it to the world…..i think you may have more strength than you may know…. maybe i only beleive this for selfish reasons…..i happen to be a weak coward too…..
……and secondly, it seems you have been made stronger by learning from you mistakes…..ok that was corny…..but i bet next time round you wont let any asshole make you feel less than
fuck, i rly feel the anger behind your words. christ, that’s intense. heartbreak is. listen, dont kill yourself because of any person. at least wait until it’s a decision you yourself make.
I couldnt have said it any better