yeah

Yeah it doesnt really help to have people posting saying only I can solve my problems. NO offense, but I know that. Im trying to express pain. Do you have ptsd from being sexually abused, do you know the myriad number of symptoms? mine was so bad i ended up on the street. my flesh is battered and worn from years of trauma. i want off disability, out of this cold and triggering hellhole where i live right now in new england, no bus on the weekends, last two cars i had more or less blew up, old and worthless after a few short months, money is a bastard. i never did drugs to cope. im tired of living close to my abuser. i feel moving will end me up on the street more alone than ever. i constantly wonder why my life had to be destroyed when others have so much more. i have nothing. i have constant anxiety, i hear voices, im exhausted by god and all this pain. i had a single month of freedom in another country and would kill to go back there, i feel trapped in hell, i understand nothing, the devil is hammering me. this condition is unbearable. i just want to die most of the time. if this new aprn cant help me on the tenth i think i am going to end it b/c i cant bear life anymore, cant bear it being all my fault, cant bear feeling god is just going to blame me if i die like they all did and throw me into hell. i need quiet and safety to heal, not an endless nightmare. all i have is anxiety about appointments, transportation, just getting food right now is hell, the cold weather is awful, its all just fucking hell. he took my priest, my cat, he left me with voices, he left me to rot, he left with the unbearable scourge of incest. all i have is an internet connection he left me trapped. he left me alone to deal with everything and i do not think i am going to make it to 43. if i have to hear my fathers voice one more time i will go insane stop screaming punch through a wall and kill somebody. id rather myself. i want some peace. the abuse of children by their own, fuck you for telling me your shit. do you know it, have you lived it, let this battered flesh heal, so bad i just want to lay in the snow and die, id rather be a dog than a human anymore, they treated me like hell, it never ends, never wlll