I have a handle of vodka, antidepressants, and a razor.
I haven’t properly slept in a little over a week. I’ve probably slept about 4 hours the most.
When I do sleep, I get these nightmares of the same thing. When i’m awake, I see the creature everywhere I go. The voices in my head won’t shut up.
I just want to be free. Is that too much to ask? I feel like a zombie half time. Sleep is my enemy. My mind is hazardous.
I’m tired of crying, i’m tired of sleepless nights, i’m tired of being being tired. I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore.
23 comments
Rock on dude! I have schizophrenia too and I have learned to embrace the voices. They provide clarity and truth and comfort me.
They don’t comfort me, they tell me god awful things and tell me to hurt myself and others. So I hurt myself so they aren’t so mean. I hate them. Because of it, I lash out at everyone. I am a female 16 year old and people blame my lash outs on PMS and whatnot. Pfft. If only they new what the fuck goes on in my head. But it’s nice to know you’ve come to terms with it. I wish I was strong enough to do that.
Sleeping is pretty hard for me as well.
I have my own certain rituals i do before bed to try and get sleeping to work as much as i can, otherwise i just try to tire myself physically as much as possible so i’ll just get as close as i can to passing out.
If the voices in your head won’t shut up, just shut them up with loud music. Or anything else you can.
If it’s that bad, you should probably try therapy or treatment, to figure out why it’s like this.
If sleep is your main problem, there’s a lot of things you could probably try to get to sleep better.
Sleeping with headphones and music, TV on, excersize before bed…
When you manage to get a bit of sleep, you might feel a bit better too, and then you might have a bit less nightmares later.
Oh trust me. I’ve tried quite a few things to help me sleep, but nothing works. Sleep has always been hard for me, I have had the same nightmare since I was 8. It’s just now, it’s getting worse. It feels so much more intense. And when i’m awake, the creature from my dream is every I turn.
I never tried sleeping pills, so i don’t know if i can recommend that.
I don’t know what else might be a good suggestion.
How come you have the exact same nightmare for so long?
Ever tried to figure this out?
I always get weird night terrors but they’re.. not always exactly the same each time.
When i tire myself out completely i don’t get them as often.
Have you ever tried to convince yourself or tell yourself you’re not afraid of your nightmare?
I know it sounds silly, but, i tried that once when i kept getting annoying night-terror sort of nightmares and the results were pretty funny.
The brain works in really weird ways
My ex-psychologist said it was developing schizophrenia, and they said that I can take medication, but I have to be put in a psych ward for a few months, but my mom and I decided against it. I’m not suppose to be left alone because that’s when it gets worse, and here I am. Home alone.
If it’s schizophrenia it might be more difficult than what i said..
Why did you two decide against it? They might manage to help you out.
They probably have to keep you in psych ward to keep a close eye on how it’s effecting you and if the meds are really helping?
But i don’t know much about these things, sorry.
Can’t you use anything to distract you from it?
There has to be some way to at least keep it under control even if you’re alone at the moment
I get high a lot. It may sound stupid, but whenever I smoked weed, nothing bothered me..not my mind, my depression, sleep seemed easy..I decided against it because sometimes the meds can make you go a little out there. Sleeping pills never helped. They made me sleep longer, therefore my nightmares seemed to go on forever. So that’s a big no no.
It doesn’t sound stupid. I never tried that either so i wouldn’t know, but i hear many people who smoke that say similar things about these effects it has.
If it’s legal in your country and it doesn’t cause any harm i guess that could help for a little while.
But schizophrenia might be really difficult to deal with alone without treatment.
It is. I go through these psychosis episodes and have these like freak outs where i’ll start screaming, crying, i’ll hurt myself, and what not and not remember a single thing, or I’ll hit someone and not remember. It’s caused a lot of problems in my life. With both friends and family. I hate it.
You mentioned an ex-psychologist?
You’re not seeing that psychologist anymore?
Why not? It didn’t help you out or at least helped a bit?
I have no right to tell you what to do, but, if you’re suffering this badly, shouldn’t you reconsider trying to get help in psych ward?
Or at least try to get back to therapy ? Maybe a new psychologist even, if this one didn’t help so much.
It just sounds terrible to try and deal with it like this alone.
If there’s a chance they might be able to help you maybe you should try and think about it again
I’ve gone through several different therapists since I was 8. It was never helpful. They always made me feel worse. I hated being observed like I was a disease.
I know I should figure something out, but it never worked out. Now, all I can ever think of doing is just taking my life to make it easier for everyone. So i’m not such a disgrace to my family. So i’m not such a burden to my mother.
Oh, so you’ve seen many then? I’m sorry.
They don’t observe you like a disease – they have to examine how it effects you to know what is the disease that you are suffering from.
It is sometimes weird but i guess it’s a part of the proccess they have to do.
But, if that never helps..
You should really reconsider getting treated at the psych ward.
It would probably be a real annoying thing to get through, but if it does help, it might make you feel much better. It’s better then just resort to dying in my opinion.
But if you really, really hate the idea, maybe you should try and talk to your mother and see what else might be an option.
You’re not a disgrace, you’re just suffering from a sickness. It’s not you that’s causing it.
My mom doesn’t really understand it. She thinks I lie about stuff for attention. I’m the last thing she worries about. So talking to her is out of the picture. And i get really anxious even thinking about going to a psych ward
Ah, i see…
Then maybe someone else in your family that knows about it or can try to help out?
They don’t like me. They can’t stand me so no. And the one person that actually does talk to me, doesn’t know about it. And when he foind out about my selfharm, he was so disappointed.. i don’t have the heart to tell him.
I’m sorry.
I probably won’t be able to come up with any good solution or a proper advice any other than that.
I don’t know much about schizophrenia.
The only things i can probably advise are little temporary solutions that you probably already thought of or do yourself like distractions (music, reading) as much as you can.
But, you shouldn’t hurt yourself, or feel bad about yourself because of what you’re suffering through or what it makes you hear.
You should treat the voices you hear as a background noise you shouldn’t notice. Like when you leave a TV on to just be noise at the background and you don’t really watch or listen to it? Sort of like that.
But if it really is that bad, you might need to get to the hospital, and try meds.. They might help you out, really. It’s too much to go through it like this all alone untreated.
Thank you for trying to help. But they’re too loud to just ignore like that. And music helps a bit, but not as much as it use to. And i’ll think about the hospital thing. But thank you. You’ve helped more than you know.
I know they’re hard to ignore, but if you try and trick your mind in a way or another it might be possible, at least a little. If you hear them, but don’t mind what they say for long, it might work.
Sometimes my mind works against me (even though i can’t ever imagine how hard it would be if i were to actually hear it in a voice) and i just consider whatever bad thought i might have, let it proccess, and then dismiss it.
I really, really hope you find a solution.
And please try to take good care of yourself.
Don’t let these thoughts and voices put you down, and please don’t hurt yourself because of them.
It is not your fault, it’s a sickness that’s causing something in your brain to work in a way that it shouldn’t.
I can’t imagine having something like schizophrenia, but I know it’s dangerous and should be treated with medication and other things, not to mention the pain. If you are able to invoke control over these voices, ie recognize that your brain is conjuring these voices, I’m sure that’s half the battle. Whether it be through distraction or other methods. Perhaps even tricking yourself to find them humorous or like backround noise like a TV you just forgot to shut off oh well have to listen to it for the time being I lost the remote lol something like that.
You know, anyone who has a issue where their brain is conjuring up hallucinations or voices through illness/defect, I think people who can still stay grounded and who can tell the difference are quite admirable to say the least.
Sometimes my mom would tell me that I was scratching myself and dreams, and when I say scratch I mean like to the point to where i’d draw blood. So throughout ny entire childhood, I wasn’t allowed to have long nails. Even now i’ve grown so use to it that i’ll bite my nails so short I draw blood and their in a lot of pain because i’m scared i’ll hurt myself in my sleep again. At least whenever i get the luxury of actually sleeping. In general, it is actually painful, but a lot of people think schizophrenia is a joke, but let me tell you, i’d dare them to stay the night in a pshyc ward filled with them. They’d understand the true meaning of terror. I’m grateful mine’s isn’t as bad as others to the point where they become homicidal.
Off topic, I’m reminded of one of my favorite Star Trek TNG episodes, “frame of mind” if you’re a nerd loser like me its a great episode.
For a long time I was able to ignore it. When I was younger I use to pretend they were my stuff animals talking to me, so when I didn’t want to listen to them I would put them under my bed and start talking loudly to myself. Well, i’m 16 and I try to make the voice sound like a story and come up with a really neat story line then I write a really fucked up story. I think i’m going to start doing that again. It kind of made it easier to deal with them.