Death by chance.
She had always thought her life was perfect up until perfect became too much. She had a beautiful family and made friends so easily, she was good at school work and got guys easily, she thought life would always be this easy, sounds great right? Well that’s what she told people. Little did she know life was deceiving her the whole time, her life that she thought was perfect wasn’t as good as she thought, infact She got bullied every year of her primary school life, changed friendship groups every year, never had a true bestfriend until year 7. She didn’t have such a beautiful family she had a dysfunctional family who never cared enough about her, always ignored her and took her for advantage. Her brother she got closest too got cancer when she was in grade three, of course it was hard she was more mature then other kids her age so she understood what was going on, but wasn’t old enough to process it properly. He got taken to the hospital so she stayed with her nan for two weeks. She started fighting with her nan more than anything so she had to pretty much hitch hike and stay at different friends houses for months until her parents came back, but only one parent came back, Her dad. Her dad was in no mental state to look after her and her mother was up in Melbourne so she got forced into independence and fought for herself, she felt as if she had been abandoned as if no body cared, why did nobody notice her? Nobody ever gave her attention unless she was doing the wrong thing, that’s when things starting going wrong. She started thinking differently, more negatively, everday she would say to herself “do I have to get cancer to be noticed? Do I have to die just to be appreciated?” She started re thinking her perfect life and she realised she had been deceived, her life had been nothing close to perfect, she was just to dumb to realise what was happening. While all this was happening she had to go to school she had to deal with all this pain by herself, she had already had many close people to her die, her aunty, pa albert, pa alan, she couldn’t have another especially her brother, loosing her aunty she visited all the time and played tricks on her uncle completely ruined her, this too? Why did bad things keep happening? What ever happened to the good in life? She met this girl in the hospital and saw her everytime she visited ryan, Her name was Jordy, The girls became so close they were like sisters. Jordy the year after died of cancer. As you can imagine that destroyed her, she didn’t leave her room for two weeks just staring at the wall. She continued to get bullied by a girl, getting called fat and pathetic, before school everyday she would be so scared to go, she started faking several sickies to get out of school, she felt so unloved by everyone she started gaining this horrible habit to lie and made up things to get attention. She would always feel guilty afterwards but continue to lie to cover up the first one. She tried going to several teachers about the bullying, they told her to get over it, “you’ll be fine” they said “just ignore it” they said. That’s the day she decided she hated all teachers and if they pissed her off the smallest bit she would make their lives hell. At the start of year seven she was to scared to argue with teachers, she did everything anyone asked, she couldn’t deal with people being annoyed at her she was too gutless to stick up for herself, she let people run all over her until she met erin, that’s when she got the courage to stick up for her self. she Would get death threats everyday from Girls, some she didn’t even know. She would date guy after guy anyone who asked her because she was so scared to hurt them, so scared they would hurt her after the incident in grade six with her ex who bashed her because she said no to sex, after that she did want any guy wanted her to do. During the middle of year 7 she kept thinking negatively and her mood dropped slowly over time, The feeling of being scared every morning for no reason came back to the point she was constantly scared from morning til she goes to sleep. At the end of year 7 it got really hard, Her grades dropped from being an A grade student to about a C, she started self harming, She remembered what the people had said about her in primary school and she starved herself, she never told anyone she wasn’t eating, she lost 10 kilos. She started going to the bathrooms every now and then crying and self harming. By the start of year 8 that’s when things got crazy. she started seeing a hooded figure that would convince her to jump infront of cars, jump off bridges all that sort of thing, by the middle of year eight she had tried commiting suicide 7 times, cutting the vain, 3 overdoes, jumping off a bridge, hanging herself and bleach. Things go to crazy she went to a phych ward for a week and a half, she came back with double ways to kill herself, feeling worse then she had ever before and feeling like a complete phycopath. She then started hullicinating seeing bugs everywhere, water and blood on the roads. She started hearing things at night, having nightmares and would stop breathing during the night, everytime she walked home from school she felt like people were watching her. So many adults or professionals left because they thought she was too hard to help so she lost trust in everyone, she never opened up to people and got scared with people cause everyone fucked her over. Her brother smoked and she hated it so much she chucked out all his lighters but now she does it? Now shes turned to weed and alocohol for happiness, but sometimes drugs cant even give you happiness when they change your bestfriend to an abusive person. She does no work at school has no confidence and feels suicidal every night, she found three different ways to self harm when cutting was working anymore. by near the end of year eight she had attempted 12 times, been to triage 7 times. Her mum wasn’t an abusive parent but has abused her when she got angry enough and her dad just watched it all happen, her mums nearly about to walk out and her dad never sticks up for her, just sits and watches. Everytime she tells them how she feels they say don’t be ridiculous. Every single time. Shes had people pick on her for self harm and suicide attempts, shes never shown anyone her arm because she feels ashamed. She has medication to take now, but she skips days of it because she doesn’t think she deserves to get better. The amount of rumours that have been spread are ridiculous. nobody deserves to feel like this. She helps everyone and anyone who needs it, but never talks about herself because she hates annoying people. but after all that, things are slowly getting better for her, slowly, but surely. Life gets better for everyone, everyone deserves happiness sooner or later. Well that’s what she hoped, she hoped everything would go back to normal and she would be happy again, she wouldn’t feel so down about herself, maybe just maybe she could love herself for once but she had hoped too much. Instead of things getting better everything came crashing down on her at once. They say a suicidal girl should never fall inlove, but she took the chance and it was the biggest mistake. That boy tossed her around, cheated on her, lied to her, dumped her because of his “mental stability” saying he couldn’t be romantically involved but two days later was tuning another girl, he would use personal stuff against her, he made her believe she was worthless, then moved on to her best friend and kissing her, best friends weren’t meant to do that, all the guys she’s ever had a thing with have gotten over her in two days or gone to one of her friends was she really not important enough, why did no one care about her? She asked herself the same question every day. She’s been fighting with her parents more, doubting herself more. She’s been losing friends and feeling as if no one wants to do anything with her, she’s always stuck at her house by herself, nobody cares until it’s too late. Her family never noticed her until they knew they were going to lose her, she goes to a psychiatrist and talks about how much pain she hides and how her whole life is filled with anger, she has so much anger towards her family and people who have pushed her around. So much anger for people who have made her feel like this, the people slowly ruining her life. She wants to run away from it all, but where to? She attempted suicide once again but didn’t succeed, she wants nothing but to succeed but cant help but be too gutless to do it. She wants nothing but for these feelings to go away, but sadness is addictive, to addictive. She’s got the news she’s going to the physch ward again, not sure what to do, she goes home crying feeling as if she has no one to talk to no one who will listen so she turns to her only friend the blade. She cut more times and deeper than she ever has before it scared her, but she’s used to self medicating herself, she stitches herself and covers them all up. She started getting better again at this stage, but of course something had to happen to ruin it, she made a huge mistake trusting a guy with pictures of her body, He sent them around and made her feel absolutely horrible, they called her up called her munted a slut bagged out her nudes it was horrible, she lost her best friend because now her bestfriend Eloise is dating him and probably having sex with him.
She gets herself involved with the wrong people, drugs sex, etc. Her parents are disappointed in her and as much as they say theyre not they just wish their daughter could be like how she used to be.
She hates herself for who she’s become how she behaves or how she treats people but she can’t help it, there’e this feeling inside her that triggers everything and she goes insane.
She’s become so angry her parents become scared of her but she can’t stop it, she turns all her pain and suffering into anger because it’s easier to deal with but it makes her a horrible person and she ends up feeling worse in the end, over time the anger got worse, mre and more holes in walls, the temptation of hitting people, smashing glasses, smashing a present her brother bought her when she was sick, breaking phones, throwing things and trashing rooms. She can’t control anything anymore, the hallucinations, the bad dreams of being tortured or killing people that feel so real, she had a dream about killing someone still to this day she has to convince herself she didn’t kill anyone. Nobody understands how bad of a person she really is, how much she hates herself, how much she wants to die and the worst part is she has no one to talk to. She will tell everyone she’s fine because its easier to lie thats what she’s good at its easier to explain that she’s fine then how she really feels, people understand and deal better with I’m fine then whats really going on inside her head. If she could just click her fingers and everything would be over she would do it no questions asked ,no regrets. The only thing stopping her from death is the fear of the pain, but once she picks up the courage that’s it it’s all over.
I just feel so empty. So lost, like there’s nothing left for me here.