So tonight is the night, I guess. I’ve tried everything and just ended up screwing things up even more… So this is the note I’m leaving behind (besides the small snippets about how much I love certain family members, I’m keeping those private). One of my best friends is going to recieve this after I call my ex to tell him I love him, right before I slash my wrists. Please don’t leave any comments like “You should add this,” or “This one line is dumb.” This is honestly what I feel, and I want to keep it that way.
Here’s my note:
I’m so sorry, but I knew this day would come.
These last couple months have been a struggle. I’ll admit it isn’t my lowest low, but right now, everything is falling apart, and yet the fact that everything is going to change makes it so much worse.
I knew I would never make it to college, even in middle school. It has never been an idea that I believed in. I just wouldn’t live to see the day.
My best friends… I miss looking at them and thinking that I could trust them, that they cared at all. I still love them to death. But I understood, all the times I was told mean jokes and you said you were kidding. All the times I went for hugs and you shied away. All the times that I spoke and you didn’t want to be rude and admit you didn’t care.
I miss you, Michael. You weren’t my breaking point, but you pushed me so hard that when everything else started adding up, I did break. But don’t get me wrong; I love you. I love you more than anyone I have ever loved.
I’m going to miss… the sunlight coming in through my window at twilight. God, I’m going to miss that. I’m going to miss the fact that my room was a safe haven, because it’s not going to be one anymore… instead, I hope it’ll at least be a reminder. I’m going to miss my universes; my characters, my worlds, my writing. I’m going to miss the feeling of water, warm and freezing cold and blistering hot, over my skin. I’m going to miss the sound of the piano twinkling away in the background.
Other than all this… I tried. I really did try to see any other physical thing, besides people, that I would miss. I tried nature. I tried art. I even tried chocolate. But nothing can pull me back to even the shallowest sense of happiness.
I’m really sorry I couldn’t figure out another way. I never did. I tried, so many times. I never found- never saw- a way out.
I just wish I had been able to see the spring.
(Thank you all for reading this… It really means a lot. And for all of you who care, my name was Christine.)
8 comments
I’m not far from this point. I hope you find peace Christine.
Hey Christine 🙂 Your masterpiece of a letter really tugged on my heart strings because i also feel like that but i really do hope you get to plenty more springs because its not your time to leave this earth just yet ?. I know it gets rough first hand experience i just feel like a failure at this stage of my life but im gonna keep on going and i really hope you do too. i believe that every member in the suicide project should help one another out during our darkest times so we can see the symbolic springs in our lives :D!
If you’re going to do it, make sure you don’t halfass it and make your life worse by inflicting a non-fatal wound.
^^^
I ponder what it’d be like if my parents died or close family members were killed just so my life would pick up in pace for awhile. I am fifteen and on so many meds I puke from being overwhelmed. I see life in black and white. Live or Die. I literally have no idea what fun means. I want to die just to die. I don’t even care what’s on the other side!!
Why am I still alive and sane after all this? Because I think that I might miss something greater waiting for me. Maybe I am the victim of an infamous serial killer, and my death is what gets him caught. Maybe the love of my life transfers to my school tomorrow and we fall In love and liver happily ever after. Maybe she dies and her blood splashes all over me and I get to be in a newspaper after killing several hundred people after going insanely mad. Whatever it might be, I don’t care. If I miss it, NOTHING will have changed. The boredom, sadness, anger, all of it will have been for nothing. I haven’t changed anything. Who says I won’t be reincarnated into a life just as painfully depressing and boring for the sin I have committed.
And seriously? Suicide. So your family and friends are just “things” to distract you too? Their despair and sadness don’t matter? Maybe one of your siblings kills themselves because of YOU. or a parent, your ex boyfriend perhaps? How bout your friends? You seem to be painfully oblivious that everyone has their own struggles too. I was abused, I do drugs, I’m failing school, I hate everyone and everything, I consider murder and suicide daily.
Yet… I have yet to put death into action, have gotten myself counseling, am taking meds, am in drug therapy, trying to cope with anxiety, and looking up towards the future.
I am fifteen, are you really gonna be beat so easily..? Maybe I’ll give up with you.
hmu with your number, we’ll kill ourselves at the same time if you so wish.
I hope you find solace somehow. I hope I find solace also. One thing I’ve learned thoroughly is that no matter how much indulgence I try to throw at the problem, it helps short term but solves nothing long term. Hah I tried chocolate too. I’ve tried everything. You name it I tried it.
Christine, I’ve never been one to openly encourage suicide. I ask that you reconsider. Dig deep. No, dig deeper. You’re stronger than this. You have something nobody else has — your story. Like your writings it doesn’t end here. Your character may look like she’s stuck in the denouement, however the story is building to it’s climax. Keep. Fighting. On. Christine.
Us writers are a suicidal lot, aren’t we? I hope you find your peace, Christine.