my head hurts. i’m very depressed. i feel that fog descending on me again…
it’s 7:07 pm and i want out of this life. i want to be gone. i know it’s probably wrong of me to feel this way… i must be pretty selfish to even consider it. many people would tell me so… i mean, what about my family, right?? especially my mom… she would be wrecked if i did this to her… i am her ‘rock’, her only support. but, at the same time, i cannot help it. i feel this pull, this urge to go… i want so badly to go… and to be honest, i resent my mom for tethering me to her. i almost wish she didn’t love me, so i wouldn’t be obliged to live for her… i know, i’m horrible… i’m so depressed… and it figures, at a time i feel i really need to cry, i am too numb to shed a tear. they all say “it gets better”… “this too shall pass”… and blah-de-blah… but when? i’ve felt so bad for so long. i just want to go home… wherever ‘home’ is…
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I’m sorry you feel this way. Me too. You can’t control how you feel, you just feel the feelings. Don’t beat yourself up for hurting. Have compassion for your sweet person beyond this pain. Because the hurt and pain is not you. Oh, I used (and still doooo!) fight myself all the time. I didn’t realize the pain was not me. The feelings, pain, hurts are an emotion that you’ve needed to get through hardships and major problems.
Please start looking at the delightful (Oh, I know I’ve just met you but you are strong and a kind person- caring for your mom even as that makes you feel more hurt.) woman you are. Even if it is only looking at yourself in a new light for a moment before that image jumps out of the mirror- try it.
I know what I speak of- I have lived my life feeling I am just not worth anything. But I am making progress and I am going to make it. One foot in front of the other.