I’m usually more eloquent than shouting obscenities at the world, but fuck, no words can articulate the depth of the frustration and hopelessness I feel, swear words can only emphasize their significance. FUCK!!! I’ve suffered from Body Dysmorphic Disorder since I was 13 and it’s fucking killing me, it has ruined everything good in my life, my academic opportunities, my social relationships, the prospect of a romantic relationship, the chance of me achieving higher success in life, it’s all gone to shit because I fucking hate myself. Say the same things as everyone else says to me, I don’t fucking care I’ve heard it all “you put too much emphasis on looks” “you’re so superficial” “appearance doesn’t really matter in life” FUCK OFF. Yeah, appearance doesn’t matter – FOR DECENT LOOKING PEOPLE. Check your fucking privilege and shut up until you know what it feels like to be ostracized, condemned, ridiculed and alienated because of how hideous you are. Shut up until you know what it feels like to be the joke of life, the person that sets the bar for the ugliest for everyone they meet, how it feels to be treated like an animal for how ugly you are. The doctors have labeled my issue BDD when the actual issue is that i’m just fucking hideous. They don’t want to admit to me that i’m a hideous eyesore so they just diagnosed me with that and also to shove happy pills down my throat. I pay $150 a week out of pocket to go to a fucking BDD specialist and it’s all the same shit, “tell yourself you’re good looking everytime you think you’re ugly” I don’t think I’m ugly I AM ugly and just existing is a constant reminder of that. I can’t go out in public because I’m so grotesque, I have absolutely NO confidence so I don’t and will never have friends – and besides, who would want to be friends with an ugly ***** with a bad personality? good looks are innately attractive to people so even if I still had the shit personality I have at least I would have some vestiges of appeal if I was pretty or even decent looking.
Do you have any idea what it feels like to be trapped in an inescapable cage of hideousness? the fact that you will never find a partner because contrary to what people say appearances ARE important in a relationship, people who say “I don’t care about looks” can shove it up their ass, if there is absolutely no attraction to how a person looks and in fact you’re repelled by it you’re not going to be in a relationship with them, that’s reality.
I’ll never be able to leave this hideous body so life will forever be hell. i’m not even decent looking, you have no idea what it’s like to be genuinely hideous so don’t say i’m taking things out of proportion.
Fuck life, fuck everyone fuck this hideous body I was condemned to, fuck it all.
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5 comments
i feel you i have fucked my life up too my education my job even iv started hating everyone even my parents
I won’t say you are taking things out of proportion, but the doctors might be right about the BDD thing. If you believe something for long enough it’ll start becoming true in your mind, even if it’s not true (or even if it is).
The fun part about what you wrote is that most good looking people that say that looks don’t matter don’t care to clarify that it actually means “you can still screw up things if you are good looking”. It’s pretty obvious that good looking people get a pass on many things, and often get more opportunities, but that’s not always the case.
In the other hand i’ve met (and i’m being a terrible person by saying this) really hideous looking people that have made a pretty good life for themselves tho (and have a significant other), but i’d say part of it is that they actually don’t care (or stop caring) how other people perceives them. If they go the extra mile to look good they do so for themselves and that’s it. I’ve also met good looking people that ruined their life by relying too much on their looks and when they are gone their bad choices catches up with them, so there’s two sides to that coin.
I didn’t mean to imply that good looking people are unable to experience strife nor are immune to screwing up. What I was saying though was that good looking people or even decent looking people are a stages above me in terms of having a foundation to build on. being a person of any discrimination stunts your ability to succeed in life, poverty is a limitation, race is as well in some cases, sex (gender) can also hinder a person’s progress in life. There are also groups of people that are openly discriminated against and whose discrimination is institutionalized and perpetuated by culture and media such as the marginalizing of people with mental illnesses, physical handicaps as well as mental handicaps. Being deformed or just blatantly and excessively unattractive (like me) is also a characteristic that is openly shamed and condemned and in my opinion it’s one of the greatest handicaps (the greatest would be poverty imo though) in life because it is so deeply ingrained in us and generally subconscious. People aren’t aware of how different they treat ugly people because it’s an intrinsic bias which has been amplified by culture.
but yeah, there are definitely a lot of people who have been successful who haven’t been conventionally good looking, but in terms of social success they were probably ostracized and neglected until they got successful. I’m not aiming for prodigious success, i just don’t want to be judged every day of my life and treated differently because of those judgments.
Hey ackerman, I’m sorry that I do not have the verbal intelligence that you do, and that you are suffering so much because of the lack of intelligence and understanding pretty much everywhere. I actually ruined my brain recently with a botched overdose and shit do I miss being even that bit smarter. If you can hold up a conversation like you can write, someone has to be out there that can love you for it, i mean there are so many stereotyped people out there that are forced into these brackets of beauty that are killing themselves because they aren’t being listened to.
I have to say I just read your piece on philosophy and I really appreciate your voice and narrative. I think that you are beautiful and that it is a really good thing you exist right now where everything is being whitewashed and gentrified, MCphilosophy if you will.
Anyways, I love hiking and getting the fuck out of town deep into the woods because its where I can find my people, or if you want to be free from your body swimming in a river alone is the shit. but its hard to find those places of solitude these days, i can hardly do it anymore. I wish you the best finest most intelligent and most understood piece of ass out there or whatever suites you. also fuck your doctors fuck those motherfuckers.
* most mis understood piece of ass