I look at the shoebox I keep my various prescription pill bottles in, and I wish to gods I could be certain that I wouldn’t just wake up in a day, in three days, in a week in the local ICU and another useless stay in the mental health unit and another 90-day court settlement. Attempting suicide is a civil offense in Wisconsin, you see, so a person already upset because they survived then gets to go — via satellite television — before a judge and work out an agreement for treatment. Nice, huh?
I barely talked my psychiatrist out of having me hospitalized last Tuesday. I’m done. I’m tired. I want to sleep now. I want to drift off with my cats doing the same next to me and never wake up again. No more pain. No more anything. Please, god, just let me sleep. I’m don’t matter, I’m not important. Just let me go.
4 comments
That’s ridiculous about it still being an offense. Suicide isn’t a crime…
I don’t know what to say to you. I’m sorry you are in such pain. I’m sorry you feel like you do Imp (though I don’t think you are imp). You do matter. You are important. I know what I say doesn’t mean anything and you probably don’t even read the things people write but you are a wonderful person. You used to leave such thoughtful comments to people. You are putting yourself through college. You’re so kind and caring underneath all that frustration and hurt.
I’m sorry I can never find anything to help you. It’s certainly not because you are beyond help. It’s just because I’m not able to do anything, or at least I don’t feel like I ever do anything to help you.
I didn’t know it was a civil offense in Wisconsin. I’m in a neighboring state and our state laws are generally similar so I should probably check that out. The last time the police were involved I was a juvenile, but it has been more than a decade since that so either maybe it was different back then because of my age or things have changed.
I wish you well as always. Every time I see you post, it just makes me really sad, but I would be even sadder if you never posted again. I keep hoping for some good news, that things have gotten better for you, but it’s never better. I don’t want you to drift off and never wake but if you should, I hope you don’t suffer. I don’t want you to suffer anymore. I just wish it was different for you. I’m sorry.
I do read the comments. I’m not so great at replying anymore. I feel like I finally found my voice just in time to lose it again, so what’s the point?
Comments matter. They do. This site is amazing. A lot of people in pain, and we all still find the caring to reach out to others hurting just as much (or more).
I’ve been taken to the hospital in the back of a cop car twice in the last year and a half now. It’s so screwed up.
You aren’t screwed up. You aren’t impossible. I wish a world of possibility to you. If you found your voice, maybe you are capable of finding your voice again. I hope so. The positivity I’m displaying kind of belies my nature but hopefully wishing a brighter future for you may bring a little light into the darkest parts of your day.
I don’t know. But please, even if you can’t comment, please try to post and we will keep reaching out to remind you that you matter and that the only “imp” you are is important.
Take care.