Hello to all out there who are reading this. I have decided to post here my last thoughts. I had hoped things would get better, maybe even easier given time and space, but I unfortunately grow increasingly tired and weary of this world and path that I have found myself walking down. I guess I should write this all in a note for my loved ones to see, but I dont want them to see this side of me. I do not intend on leaving a note at all. I know what I plan to do is going to hurt many people, but why must I suffer so others dont have to feel pain? I have done everything for everybody else my entire life, am I not entitled at some point to be selfish and do something for me? There are many things I leave unaccomplished and I will leave this world with many regrets. I do admit that I am responsible for the pain in my life. I have a knack for self sabotaging myself without even realizing it. I have everything wrapped up at this point, stuck it out for the holidays so I could visit with family one last time making everyone laugh so hard as Im empty inside. I have all my affairs in order. I feel an overwhelming sense of calm for the first time in a very long time knowing this is my last night in existence. I find my self wondering at times what people will think or how they will react but realize its none of my business, given a couple months and everyone will forget about me anyways. I am no coward and consider myself a strong person. I spent many years in the military and saw and dealt with many things. I truely hope that everyone in this online community can win their own personal battles that effect them. I have simply come to the conclusion that I cannot win my own.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
19 comments
Are you isolated? Maybe you could live with family for a while. I’m sure you want to be independent and you said you don’t want to show this side of you. But I think your family would rather have you alive, even if you have to break your self-image to do so.
I’m sorry you’re hurting so much.
How are you not scared? I know that’s the only thing holding me from the other side.
In a similar boat. My plan is tomorrow while my mom is away… living with her after my life was destroyed. I know she will be hurt a lot but this is something I have to do… like I am programmed to end my life. No one will get me while I’m alive so no use making them concerned for me as I waste away. I am dead already so what’s the point? Takes a lot of courage to go through with it. Not selfish like people want you to believe. My bro shot himself over 2 years ago and while I miss him, I am glad he isn’t suffering on this earth anymore. The rest of the family seems to be doing just fine… all it takes is time for them to heal. This actually makes me feel better seeing this first hand. My mom came in my room as I am writing this… I feel bad that she has no idea, but she shouldn’t be surprised. I exhibit every sign of a suicidal person to the letter but have learned not to talk about it so maybe she thinks I am managing a recovery of sorts. I did tell her that I was about to kill myself before I moved in with her, but perhaps she is in denial? I don’t know… it’s such a messed up thing to build up to but don’t think it’s wrong necessarily… unfortunate is more the word to refer to it as. As a strong believer in Jesus, I am more dealing with my spirituality. I don’t think God is going to tell me… man, you should have continued to suffer in that evil world. Rather, I hate the world and according to the Bible, that is actually the right attitude. I know I’m rambling… it’s something I have to stop thinking about and just accept my fate wherever it is decided. Good luck if you are reading this… and to anyone else in this boat. This is by far the worst place to be in and getting out is near impossible for some. God never said He won’t give us more than we can handle. The way I see it, God understands when we can’t take this life anymore. Doesn’t mean we are anything less… it is the rest of society who makes us feel this way because they have no idea what we are going through.
If God understands, why does He make us do it ourselves? Seems like He could give us massive brain embolisms and be done with it.
I think the situation is really more complicated.
I pray for a heart attack all the time but really don’t count on it. I just have faith that the complexity of it all will make sense when I’m gone. Here on earth it makes no sense at all yet through the midst of all the pain and suffering my faith is not even remotely wavering. God is not to blame… the world He will one day destroy is. And I for one am all for that destruction but I’m choosing self destruction before I get to see it… if it will happen in my could be lifetime. Perhaps the devil is what wants to keep me here as the world is run by evil. This could be God calling me home but I have to have the will to accept that call… like a final test?
Why can’t we re program our brains, change our perception on life? How about controlling your emotion or possibly learning to shut it off?…. If you shut it off does that make you in humane?
Having highly suppressed emotion is no fun, either. I don’t think it’s inhuman, exactly – just what our brains do in self-defense when stress becomes chronically severe. But it’s very non-ideal for humans.
Im envious of your courage to put yourself first before others.
Hey, finalrequest…
“I for one am all for that destruction”
Sometimes I am, too. But it seems like the height of selfishness to want all of humanity destroyed just so that we don’t have to deal with our own problems. Most other people seem to want to be here, and who am I to want to overrule that?
“Perhaps the devil is what wants to keep me here… this could be God calling me home but I have to have the will to accept that call”
I’ve had a few experiences that make me think this is not the case. It’s the devil that wants you to kill yourself; killing yourself causes so much darkness in the world, and that pleases the enemy, not God.
I don’t think the world is intrinsically the devil’s. I think that we flawed, wicked humans make it a dark place, and the devil thrives on that. But we each have our own light and are expected to let it out, as much as we can.
That said, I think we’re on the edge of no return, and we have to fight like hell to not let things tip over.
How is wanting God to do what He promised selfish? The world deserves to be destroyed as it is inherently run by corruption… the people who want the world for themselves are selfish and will destroy anyone in their path to run it their way. This life isn’t about them… and no darkness shall come from my death as it isn’t about me either. Let the enemy be pleased by my death… in the end he has already lost. Enjoy the fight to keep things from tipping without me.
I’m not going to argue points of eschatology with you, but I don’t know what you mean by “no darkness shall come from my death as it isn’t about me either”. It certainly *is* about you for the people you leave behind.
God was the selfish one. God was the one who lied. All of this is God’s fault.
If you believe in the fairy tale of the bible.
Final request the world is run by luciferian fuckers no kidding I tried to fuck with the illuminati by exposing shit and they fucked a million times with me and now I’m fucked. They control the banks the economy, movie stars I even read that robbin Williams didn’t commit suicide it was the Hollywood illuminati that did it to him YouTube it man. There’s a smart christian fucker that worked it out and Hollywood pre programmed it into movies and the family guy and it aired the night before he died sinister fucks aren’t they.
I worked for a bank… and while I don’t know it as the Illuminati, I know what you mean. I don’t have to look at any other tales to know it is all true. Why they started spying on me in the first place is beyond me but I found bugs and cameras in my home and when I started messing with their plan, they went at me full force. They had hired goons everywhere and used every tactic to destroy me… you would not even believe half the shit I went through but apparently I was on their shit list big time. Never would have believed anyone before it happened to me but if someone wants to ruin you… they will. Not going to live on the streets where they want me so they can mess with me more. Not going to end up in a nut house… they already won the plot to put me in one temporarily but I got out. Not going to end up in jail. No… instead, I will bow out gracefully so they can put another feather in their cap. They think they are winning but knowing the truth, they have already lost.
And to what’s_left take your time please man life’s not always fear but try to take your time
I know what they’re like they hired goons for me too and this was Australia. The weirdest shit would happen to me like someone in a flash as ute in business suits pulling up to me and doing weird symbolism hand gestures like get off the fukin grass. But it got weirder and wierder strange phone calls so I call back and it doesn’t even ring or nothing. I eventually left the country and stopped fukin with them. But why on earth were you targeted man.
It could be a lot of reasons… hurts my head to even think why. But they really didn’t come on until I figured them out and that’s when they put their resources in full force. They were so obvious and I was calling them out left and right. Bug found in my fire strobe after I had a gut feeling they weren’t just tapping my phone. They were trying to scare me with Lamborghinis with license plates GAMEOVR and BADBART racing past me after I took the bug. I fake planned to hide it in a state park after I realized they were chasing me everywhere and when I got to the state park, they had the whole place filled with street theater (including a staged car wreck blocking my path)… it was a perfect sunny Saturday (flag day) and the usually swarming town was a ghost town… like they blocked off the place just to have their perps watching me trying to see where I hid the bug. I called 911 when I got home and told them someone came in and took my fire strobe and one of the officers asked if they did anything with the sprinklers. I was like, why would they touch the sprinklers? After they left, I looked close and found pinhole cameras in 2 of them. I had FBI surveillance on my WiFi list and found out that people were living in my complex just to spy on me. They moved out after I made it clear I knew what they were doing. An officer living in the building saw me going on my roof and then lied and said I was suicidal so I was taken to the ER. When I arrived they drew 7 vials of blood from me then left me for hours without any explanation then shot me up with some drug that made me feel like I was going to die and hauled me off to a mental hospital then was transferred to another one… total of 9 days. During my stay, I learned there were cameras in my room… proven after I wrote on a piece of paper… they are locking me in my room… seconds later someone came and checked on the lock. They hired people to act as patients… this was obvious but proven after I heard my roommate ask when he was going to get paid. He told me one night that he chases rabbits through neighborhoods for a living. Also heard one of the Drs say he wanted to cut off my dick. Such a fucked up stay and I was completely sane rational the entire time… I didn’t belong there. Just for kicks I went to get a blue mohawk at a stylist… and they had a fucking blue blimp flying over the area. Everywhere I went there were cars with license plate messages… like after I sent them a message that they were so plainly obvious it was hilarious, I had a van with license plate IAMUSEU drive in front of me. They must have had smear campaigns as many people who once would greet me with a smile were treating me like I was a terrorist or a pedophile. They had flash mobs swarm me and aircraft, caravans and a lot of street theater all the time. Anything to let me know that I was always being watched. They followed me out of state and half way across the country as I set on a road trip. I had to sell my condo to get away from that cult town I was living in… 2 weeks on the market and it magically sold when other properties have been on for over a year.Dude, it was a nightmare. I see why people go crazy and postal even… and definitely why people want to commit suicide which is where I am at. Who could want to live in this sick world after experiencing this? This is what is so messed up because I finally got my life in a good spot on every level before it was blown to pieces… and it took A LOT to get there.
I even worked night shift for the last year and on the break in a remote area I was outside and there were goons across the road. On the street while at the lights I had my car fucked with I tell ya man I’m lucky I didn’t go crazy back then but I told people and they hardly believed me until I was showing them proof
Look up “confessions of a gang stalker”… there is a whole blog of someone explaining a lot of what they do and how the operation works.