Every day I go thru this. Even on this site, nobody cares, forever the invisible person, hearing his voice in my head. I am tired of bearing the unbearable alone in a triggering hell. I am tired b/c people’s casual judgment can’t begin to touch how bad the remains of what csa has done to me, a battering and torture of my mind heart body and spirit. They can judge thru these words not understanding the anguish I feel in my soul, how my brain can feel so scary, how noise batters me, how his horrible voice accosts me, how I have panic attacks in my own apartment, left feeling like one person online is my lifeline and if they are not around I am done for. My mask is intact in a world full of hatred. I miss my friend but she won’t come back nor has the cat. I carry around so much inside of me I can’t express, longing for a purge thru words, seeing that if I don’t act fast it seems I am done for in a world so cruel. My friend said, “that’s heavy” when I tried to tell her how bad I was feeling. They dump me off like a kitten and go off to be with their family and friends. I have no family and very few friends. I can’t even get around anymore easily. Everything is a burden. I am a burden seemingly. I don’t have words or energy to say it all or to express it and only God knows but God isn’t around, left in darkness to shatter, hanging on to a grim reality that seems a punishment for all childhood sins or worse. I want to go home and not have to look anymore at what they have I don’t, a cruelty too big for words, I guess you just get one chance, and if not taken, because of all the pain and fear, you are done for. It would take a novel. I don’t have it in me anymore. God have mercy on my dark soul.