Every day I go thru this. Even on this site, nobody cares, forever the invisible person, hearing his voice in my head. I am tired of bearing the unbearable alone in a triggering hell. I am tired b/c people’s casual judgment can’t begin to touch how bad the remains of what csa has done to me, a battering and torture of my mind heart body and spirit. They can judge thru these words not understanding the anguish I feel in my soul, how my brain can feel so scary, how noise batters me, how his horrible voice accosts me, how I have panic attacks in my own apartment, left feeling like one person online is my lifeline and if they are not around I am done for. My mask is intact in a world full of hatred. I miss my friend but she won’t come back nor has the cat. I carry around so much inside of me I can’t express, longing for a purge thru words, seeing that if I don’t act fast it seems I am done for in a world so cruel. My friend said, “that’s heavy” when I tried to tell her how bad I was feeling. They dump me off like a kitten and go off to be with their family and friends. I have no family and very few friends. I can’t even get around anymore easily. Everything is a burden. I am a burden seemingly. I don’t have words or energy to say it all or to express it and only God knows but God isn’t around, left in darkness to shatter, hanging on to a grim reality that seems a punishment for all childhood sins or worse. I want to go home and not have to look anymore at what they have I don’t, a cruelty too big for words, I guess you just get one chance, and if not taken, because of all the pain and fear, you are done for. It would take a novel. I don’t have it in me anymore. God have mercy on my dark soul.
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I understand csa. If you need someone to talk with online who won’t think it’s heavy or drop you, you can talk with me.
The strongest trees have many branches. – I am a sucker for having one friend at a time, but in all honesty (for their sake) we should have at least two… It spreads our burden on them.
how do i pm you
You’re not invisible to me. I read your post and I could feel your despair. It is terrible being alone. I have my family and a few friends that have stuck with me.
But the people I want to talk to and see the most have abandoned me and erased me. To them I don’t exist. Probably never existed at all.
Life is not worth living without the possibility of happiness and joy.
I feel the same way. But I don’t have the guts to do it. So affraid, after death is nothing.
thank you all. i cant take the voices anymore esp. his. my brain is battered. i want to go home now. what is most unbearable is comparing myself to people b/c they have what i dont impossible not to, i wonder if god hates some of us and preordains us to a hellish life bc he sure plays favorites, why couldnt i be born into a nice family in a society i could function in, makes no damn sense at all. i dont know how to do this. its so intensely painful to be alive. i just want some sleep.
I feel the same. Insomnia fucked me up..
I hate not sleeping I hear voices it sucks it hurts. i dont know how to pm anyone on this site either. im not well anymore dont know how whatever i do doesnt help. last resort meds.