Why is it that I’m such a failure? I used to think I was smart, and generally good at life. But ever since high school, I can’t help but noticing that compared to everyone else around, I’m not really good at anything. It doesn’t help that everyone expects so much of me. Like, my research partner and adviser. Every time I enter the lab I just feel useless and like an idiot since I can’t do anything right. And then there’s school work. I’m staying up past 1 am every day just to finish it. And it’s just me. My room mate is always asleep way before that time, and I just feel like a failure for disturbing her so much.
I guess a lot of this stems from my parents. Lately after every phone call, I cut myself. I don’t blame them. It’s my fault for f***ing up so much. It’s not their fault I can’t keep my grades up and I can’t keep up with everyone. And they expect me to be this great doctor. They have all of these colleges planned for medical school and they fully expect me to get into them. And I can’t blame them. After all, I’ve been saying that I want to be a doctor since I was a kid. Except, I never really wanted to be a doctor. Let’s face it. Serious decisions scare me. I can’t handle someone’s life in my incompetent hands. All of really wanted to do was write music. Make someone else really feel something. Make their world light up, or complete their stories. I don’t know. But somehow, that dream is just slipping away. Even though I write multiple songs a week, for years, I’m just not cut out to succeed I guess. I want to try, but I don’t even know where to start.
All I know is if I have to be a doctor, I’ll kill myself for sure. If somehow, I actually get into one of these programs, I’ll start walking on the train tracks. My parents are just so sure that being a doctor is the only happiness in life, that if I don’t become one, I’ll be miserable for the rest of my life. What they don’t know is if I do go into the medical field, I’ll die for sure. But even if I don’t go to medical school they’ll cut off all contact with me. And all be penniless and support-less. At this point suicide isn’t too far fetched of an option. Cutting doesn’t seem to do it anymore. I guess I just feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with me in their life. They have their own problems without a failure messing up their lives. God, I just wish I was needed in this world.
2 comments
I feel the same! I am in a similar situation. I’m tired of competating and being compared too.but I’m a stupid student, always failed exams, always got despised by teachers. My mother would scold me and beat me when I was a child. So, I’ve learnt to be competitive and compare myself to others. This is one of the worst things in the world. I know that everyone is unique and talented. Like you are interested in music and I’m interested in visual art. But people always think fame and money indicate success. I wanted to go to visual art lessons, my mother was angry and scolded me. She said arts can’t make money, so I am studying science. I drown in my regret everyday. I wrote on my homework that I wanted to be a nurse when I was a kid, I don’t really want to, I was just doing what schools and parents always told. I actually want to be an artist or a scientist who can help make the earth a better place to live. People told me I’m stupid, I’m never good enough, I’m useless. I used to be happy but I’ve been depressed for almost 3 years. I hate studying anything here, because everything here is related to marks and There must be comparison, and I will never fulfill their expectations. how to drive someone crazy? Just make them pursue goals that they can never achieve. So, I give up. I wish I can be crushed by a car , die in a car wreck, or anything that can kill me. but nothing happen and nothing change. I am desperate. But sometimes I think that life and the world haven’t given up on me. I am still alive. Though I don’t know who I am and what this life is meant for.
Yes everyone has their own problem, and everyone has to go though different events in life, some of them seems to be successful, but they have struggles they’ve never told. Life is not fair. this is fact. There’s no need to compare with others. Be true to yourself. It’s nobody’s fault, not your parents, not others and especially Not You. Everyone has different outlooks, you don’t necessarily need to agree and follow all of them. You define yourself. Define your own success.It is great that you can write songs to help others.Though your not doing what you love at the moment, there will be days when you succeed, if you don’t give up yourself before the world gives up on you. Your needed by this world as long as your alive. When opportunities come, just follow your heart and intuition. Keep doing what you love ,keep sharing them with others who appreciate your work, one day show your parents that you are happy being yourself.
There may be a long dark journey. You may be sad, depressed, frustrated, whatever, but don’t give up. You can share your thoughts with your friends or here.
I hope this can help you.
Sorry for my very bad English. God bless you:)
I’m sure you already know this, but any kind of systematic education doesn’t utilize intelligence, only the ability to retain knowledge so it doesn’t make sense to use your grades you measure how smart you are. Being able to retain knowledge is near impossible when you’re under constant pressure and stress created by yourself and the fact that you feel the strong need to please others. Don’t blame yourself, give yourself a break!