I have only psuedo-interests that center around what other people think I am good at. Everything I think and feel is based on my environment and the people in it. I genuinely don’t think I enjoy anything on an interpersonal level, and the things that do give me joy are evil. My thought patterns are full of hatred, and my perceptions of the people and things around me are filtered through a distorted lense. I feel little social joy. Because of this, I find myself faking everything during communal events. I have to force myself into every social situation, and furthermore, I have to force myself to feign interest in those around me. Such is the way of the bottom feeder, I suppose.
I am the social cancer of every community I enter. I am the gangrenous limb spreading necrosis to the core tissue of the body. I am patient zero in a massive contagion. I am the bolt of lightening that burns an entire forest to the ground. I am an inherently destructive force of negativity.
So I must be irradiated, amputated, quarantined, or extinguished; I must be stopped. Eliminate the fraud.
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“I find myself faking everything during communal events. I have to force myself into every social situation, and furthermore, I have to force myself to feign interest in those around me.” – Then why bother remaining part of these communities or groups? Personally, I made the choice to drop off the face of the planet, and now what little energy I exert upon others is with a select few whose company I enjoy. It’s much better this way. Maybe a chance of scenery is what you need.
I made that choice at a certain point too, but coupled with my terrible habits and poor self care, it drove me to a suicide attempt. Currently, I don’t really have a choice but to be around people that make me uncomfortable. Sadly this is my change of scenery. I have been revisiting the concept of pure isolation again, of course coupled with working. I know the end result; it is grim. The thing is, I don’t really mind the end result, I am simply sick and tired of pretending that I am in some way positive or happy, I want to embrace the monotonous routine that drove me to insanity in the first place.
Not just you OP, I think when we’re in social situations with people we’re not comfortable with, we all put on an act, or at work-sometimes we have to do it with our closest friends and family members as well.
I hold myself to a higher standard and treat others with the greatest respect-but if it’s not reciprocated or they are demeaning, then I feel nothing but hatred for them. Probably a natural thing and more common than we realize.
Sometimes we prefer to be alone but being in our highly socialized cities-it’s hard to avoid social interaction with others. At the same time though-you can turn it to your advantage, if you can find and surround yourself with people you like. Easier said than done I know…but that’s one way to cope.
“Not just you OP, I think when we’re in social situations with people we’re not comfortable with, we all put on an act, or at work-sometimes we have to do it with our closest friends and family members as well.”
Interesting that you say this, I guess I am quick to forget. I have people who I enjoy being around, but sometimes even they are subjected to my distorted views. Moreover, I am currently living in a new situation with family I hardly know as a last ditch attempt at making a change in my life. I feel disengenuous constantly, which paralells with how little I know them. I feel guarded and everything I say and do passes through a rigid filter. Living in a state of apprehension like this for the past few months I find that I feel that obligation of being presentable has become a heavy burden to deal with. I feel like I am losing my identity in a way. I find that I need an escape from this environment but no effort is sufficient. It leaves me feeling like a fraudulant person, I suppose.