I dont know

I often question the reality in which i live, sometimes i think it is an elaborate ploy. An illusion manifested by my subconscious to shield me from an ever harsher reality i maybe it. I fear that i am still locked in my mothers basement,that i was never let out. I think i maybe lying in the fetal position in the corner of the dark basement with the stone wall pressed into my back. Maybe i never did get out. I image the longer i was down there and the more i realized i may never know a life outside of that darkness the more i shrank inward until my subconscious felt the need to protect me from the outside world. Everything in my life has been 100% unclear since i left my mothers, Almost immediately after i left her my life went from bad to almost perfect i had nothing to complain about. But the twist is i fear my subconscious created this world to protect me, and now my subconscious is destroying it to wake me up. i went from an incredible up swing to a steep descent over time, it went from everything i could ever want and imagine happening to everything that can and could go wrong going wrong. I sometimes think the only way out of this illusion would be to kill myself. But would i want that? would i really want to wake up? this is where i begin to question reality, which reality is “real” isn’t everything i perceive in my head subjectively real? does it really matter? i know that posting on this site could be pointless if what i fear is true, but still there is a chance that everything i think is unreal. But isnt that also another major point to be made, that everything we face when we are young still haunts us when we are old. At this point im just rambling so,