I’m a piece of shit

“You’re a piece of shit. Put that gun to your head.” My thought processes throughout the day rarely changes.
(Disclaimer I’ve never had the ability to eloquently convey in words my thoughts and opinions. So I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense, I tend to jump around a lot. I just need an outlet)

I might focus on work or whatever but like a background noise it’s consistently making it’s way ever present. The only reason I don’t kill myself is because of my family, I have the most incredible family in the world. Yet, I’m barely apart of it.

My siblings are all so close but I’m the outcast. But being the good people they are they try to include me even though they don’t truly care. I have no talents or skills. I’m not funny, smart, athletic, fun, or even a jack of all trades. I just exist.

And I’ve read every Goddamn self help book out there to make me “normal”. To make me anything but what I am. Maybe it’s a lifetime of being an outsider that breeds this? I will never know. So because of this I will do everything correctly to make you believe I have my shit together but I don’t. I’m a liar and a piece of shit. So I’m just stuck. If I try and open up the inner workings of my fucked up head I’m “just attention seeking”.

How do I not exist? I don’t exactly want to kill myself, I just want to not exist. I don’t want the complicated association of suicide. I just simply don’t want to exist.

It sucks because I thought I was getting better… Except I’m not. Should I just kill myself or drink myself into oblivion? Either way I’m no longer existing.