Milestones

Ok, I have just split from my girlfriend/fiancé of 8 years. This didn’t ‘quite’ come out of the blue, we had a recent argument that caused her to threaten to leave me. With lots of promises and pleading she gave me a chance. However the next week we had a very similar argument and she left me.

I have suffered from depression (treated medically) for the last 15 years of my life and suffered from anxiety issues from the age of 6  I am now 28. About 6 months before I met my girlfriend things got very bad for me resulting in a suicide attempt. I only managed to crack my skull and brake my back. I past the whole thing off to the mental health team looking after me as ‘an unfortunate accident’. It wasn’t until I met my girlfriend that my life started to turn around. I have a good well paid job a nice house, car ect. I’m not much for socialising so I don’t have any close friends but I had her so that was ok with me. She was my future, my reason to keep going. When my depression got hold of me she was the one to pull me out of it. I love her truly head over heels she is my everything. Since we spilt, eight days ago, I have tried everything to get her back but the belief that she has gone has finally sank in. A few days ago I locked myself in a room and placed five lit disposable barbecues in with me. I left notes and instructions for her and my family. Unfortunately my mother and sister had decided to pay me a visit, knowing the state I was in and seeing the car in the drive they wondered around the house to view into the living room to see me asleep on the couch and lit barbecues spread around the room. I’d also consumed 75mg of zolpidem and 50mg of diazepam. They called the emergency services. I spent the night in hospital with a terrible headache and nausea. I was assessed by the hospitals mental health  team and I said that it was a calculated risky cry for help to try to get my girlfriends attention, informing them that I knew my mother and sister where due to call over and I’d be found and this was not genuine attempt to take my life. I discharged myself and left but promised that I’d stay with my parents.

I know now I can’t live without my girlfriend and don’t want to. I have made further plans, purchasing a canister of helium, lenghth of pipe, pipe fixings and an apropriate sized air tight plastic bag. The whole time throughout this period I have been in contact with my girlfriend. I have asked, out of pure desperation, if I’d have not been found would she have not have wished for one last chance? I know this can only account to emotional blackmail but I just feel so desperate. The thing is if there was a glimmer of hope for us then I’d abandon this idea. I have been reading into everything she is saying I have been questioning everything and can’t think I have any hope of reconciliation. However people close to me have said that they believe that with time and space there may be a chance. But I think that this is no more than “let’s try and stop chris8 doing something stupid”. I know I love this girl so much as to die rather than be without her. Am I not just torturing myself hoping only to see her with another man a month down the line? Am I not prolonging the burden I’m placing on my parents having their 28 year old loser son stuck crying in their house? I’m I not just waiting for the painful tortuous milestones of “oh I saw ‘girlfriend’ out in town tonight with a guy” “just so you know chris8 I think ‘girlfriend’ and ‘guy’ might be an item” “Oh didn’t you hear ‘girlfriend’ and ‘guy’ are moving in together” ect ect….

My disision is made I can’t live without my girlfriend I can only imagine a tomorrow with her, a future of us. I don’t want to prolong the pain and the chance of an botched awful screaming suicide. I want to be calm in my house in our bed listening to our music drifting off….. Not raging into death screaming having been smashed in the face by one of those awful “milestones”.